Performed by Adam Hahn and Danielle Santangelo.
Lights Up
(DANIELLE takes the stage, wearing a backpack. Throughout the piece, she will be pleased as punch about her impending departure.)
DANIELLE
Good day, mates! I'm going to Australia!
I have everything I need right here in my napsack. I have granola bars, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and sunblock. I didn't pack any underpants, because I am going to Australia!
Do you know how you get to Australia? It's easy! Just go several thousand miles in any direction, and you can't miss it.
Or you can take the Australian Route Cambus.
If I get knocked up in Australia, I don't even have to get an abortion. Do you know how you deal with an unwanted pregnancy in Australia? It's easy! You just give birth, take your baby to the most isolated playground you can find, back away, and let helpful dingoes take care of everything.
One thing you should know before going to Australia is that kangaroos are not for kissing.
(Enter ADAM, carrying a Quizno's bag.)
DANIELLE (CONT'D)
I used to think kangaroos were for kissing, but two years ago I went to a zoo in St. Louis--
ADAM
Danielle?
DANIELLE
Adam, I'm going to Australia!
ADAM
I know. I didn't want you to travel hungry, so I brought you a tunafish sandwich.
DANIELLE
I don't like tunafish.
ADAM
Oh.
DANIELLE
You can hang out while I eat something that isn't totally gross until my bus gets here.
ADAM
Okay.
(Both sit on the ground. ADAM will eat the tuna sandwich. DANIELLE will eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from her backpack.)
DANIELLE
In Australia, I have to stop eating peanut butter and jelly and start eating Vegemite.
ADAM
What's Vegemite?
DANIELLE
I don't know, but I'm going to eat a lot of it! Also, I'm going to find out if kangaroos are for eating.
ADAM
Do you remember two years ago when I wrote a play for your eleven-minute festival at PS1?
DANIELLE
No. Did it get in?
ADAM
Yes. You directed it. We actually worked together on it quite a bit.
DANIELLE
Do you remember Paul Rust's play in that festival?
ADAM
Yeah, it was really good.
DANIELLE
It was so funny! And it had interesting, multidimensional characters, not like most of the crap in short play festivals.
ADAM
Do you remember last year when I wrote a play for your eleven-minute festival at The Cottage?
DANIELLE
Nope. Do you remember my play in that festival? I wrote it, I produced it, and I acted in it.
ADAM
You were great.
DANIELLE
Seth and I had such incredible chemistry onstage.
ADAM
You were both great.
Hey, do you remember that time you gave me gonorrhea?
DANIELLE
Adam Hahn, sometimes your jokes hurt.
ADAM
Do you remember the 1989 Batman movie?
DANIELLE
I think so.
ADAM
Batman meets Vicki Vale, and she finds out his secret identity when they've barely started dating. But in Batman Returns, she's gone--
DANIELLE
Was that the one with Val Kilmer?
ADAM
No. Michael Keaton.
DANIELLE
Maybe I haven't seen it.
ADAM
In the 1966 Batman movie, Bruce Wayne and Miss Kitka go on a date, except Miss Kitka doesn't know Bruce Wayne is really Batman, and Batman doesn't know Miss Kitka is really Catwoman. But then Batman starts to fall for Miss Kitka--
DANIELLE
Was Halle Berry in that one?
ADAM
No.
My point is that even Batman gets hurt sometimes. Maybe I've been afraid of getting hurt. That doesn't mean there isn't something between us. That doesn't mean that I--
DANIELLE
There's my Cambus! Gotta go.
(DANIELLE exits.)
ADAM
Danielle, wait!
You owe me money.
(ADAM goes back to his sandwich, starts eating.)
Lights Fade
Performed by Adam Hahn and Danielle Santangelo.
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