NARRATOR/MACBETH- Usurping king of Scotland
ROSS- from the television series "Friends"
MALCOLM- the relatively interesting prince
MACDUFF- Thane of Fife
YOUNG SIWARD- English fancy lad
SEYTON- armor-bearing servant to Macbeth
BATMAN- The Dark Knight
DARTH VADER- Dark Lord of the Sith, formerly Anakin Skywalker
AMBASSADOR- from England
(Actors wait at the edges of the stage to make entries and exits as quickly as possible. NARRATOR/MACBETH stands downstage. He will guide and participate in the action. At any time the act is mentioned, the roman numeral is spelled out. This is "Act Vee.")
Macbeth! Act V!
(Enter LADY MACBETH, rubbing her hands.)
Lady Macbeth, Queen Bitch, walks in her sleep. She is wracked with guilt for eating Duncan's birthday cake, also for her involvement in a series of violent murders.
Out, damned spot. Out, I say! The frosting on my hands won't come off! Why was I born nine hundred years before the invention of the handy-wipe?
(LADY MACBETH moves upstage, but does not exit.)
Macbeth prepares for battle against English and rebel Scottish forces.
(Enter SEYTON with a length of aluminum foil.)
Seyton! Give me my armor.
(SEYTON wraps the foil once around NARRATOR/MACBETH's torso.)
There you go.
(interrupting) Wait, is that a new character?
The armor-bearing servant. Was he in the play before act V?
No. There is a cry of--
So the actor playing that role has to wait around backstage for IV acts to help Macbeth get dressed?
What's your point?
What a lame role. I can't imagine being cast as anything so stupid.
There are no lame roles, only lame actors. Even if it is just a couple of scenes, this is Shakespeare.
Wait--you're in a real production of Macbeth. Who are you playing?
(under his breath) Seyton.
Omigod, you're the stupid armor-bearer!
(under his breath) Shut up.
"Here's your armor, Macbeth. I'd better get off the stage before anything cool happens."
"I'm a character with no desires or personality. I'm less interesting than Prince Donalbain."
Aprille, would you do me a huge favor? Could you exit the stage and scream?
(LADY MACBETH exits, screams. Enter SEYTON.)
Hey, Macbeth, your wife just committed suicide!
(offstage) Son of a bitch!
With this news, Macbeth sinks completely into depressed nihilism, or, if you believe the Orson Welles interpretation, is too drunk to care.
(Enter MALCOLM, MACDUFF, ROSS, YOUNG SIWARD, SOLDIER, holding sticks or twigs in front of their faces.)
(slurred and uneven) Those friendly ghosts promised me I'm safe until Hillside Arboretum marches to Theatre A. Unless fortune-telling spirits would speak figuratively, I don't--
(spotting his enemies) Holy shit!
(Exit NARRATOR/MACBETH. His enemies take the stage.)
Your leavy screens throw down.
(All lower their sticks.)
(Exeunt all except SOLDIER. Enter SEYTON, who fights SOLDIER. Their fighting is incredibly fake, waving of plastic swords at each other. SOLDIER falls dead, remains on the ground.
Enter YOUNG SIWARD. He poses with a sword, looking strong and brave.)
Young Siward tests his mettle in battle for the first time. He is strong and brave. He has the great misfortune of being played by Eli Wilkinson.
(NARRATOR/MACBETH attacks YOUNG SIWARD with a butter knife. YOUNG SIWARD falls dead, remains on the ground.
Enter PIRATE and COWBOY.)
Then a pirate fights a cowboy!
(waving cutlass) Yo-ho! Yarrr! Booty!
(firing pistol) Yee-haw!
(PIRATE falls dead, remains on the floor. Exit COWBOY.)
Enter an ambassador from England.
(entering) Rosencrantz and Gildenstern are dead!(1)
(NARRATOR/MACBETH stabs AMBASSADOR, who falls dead and remains on the floor.)
Then Batman fights Darth Vader!
(Enter BATMAN, DARTH VADER. BATMAN flings a small foam batarang. DARTH VADER gestures. BATMAN grabs his throat, falls choking to his knees, drops dead, remains on the ground. Exit DARTH VADER.)
Macbeth and Macduff come face to face.
(The two pretend to fight, waving plastic swords at each other.)
I'm not afraid of you. The ghosts told me to fear no man born of woman.
(MACDUFF stabs NARRATOR/MACBETH.)
Dude, I'm a chick.
I've been undone by non-traditional casting.
(He falls dead. MACDUFF continues stabbing him. Enter ROSS, MALCOLM.)
(on the ground, fumbling with his script) Okay, stop stabbing me. We have one more scene. Malcolm has to--Stop it!
(ROSS and MALCOLM also stab. Enter DARTH VADER, COWBOY, SEYTON, LADY MACBETH. Dead people on the floor rise. All will crowd around and stab/shoot/use the Force against NARRATOR/MACBETH, who will continue protesting. If anyone thinks of it, the crown may be given to MALCOLM.)
Do not bring the lights down. Bring the house lights up, and Aprille will thank everyone for coming to No Shame. Everyone will continue stabbing until the audience leaves or the actors lose interest.
(1) There is no possible way that you're reading this and don't understand the reference.
Casting Act V was a confusing process. It was probably performed by Adam Hahn with Aprille Clarke as Lady Macbeth, Michael Tabor as Ross, Mirri as Macduff, Eli Wilkinson as Young Siward, Denny Crall as Malcolm, Sophie Taft as Seyton, OSean as Soldier, Evan Schenck as Cowboy, Eric Landuyt as Darth Vader, Aaron Galbraith as Batman, Leslie Copenhaver as Ambassador, and ? as Cowboy.