Dramatis Personae
NARRATOR/MACBETH- Usurping king of Scotland
LADY MACBETH
ROSS- from the television series "Friends"
WITCH 1 and WITCH 2- speak in "witch voices" and snarl
WITCH 3- smiles a lot and says dumb things
CAULDRON- is magical!
MURDERER 1
MURDERER 2
MURDERER 3
MALCOLM- the relatively interesting prince
MACDUFF- Thane of Fife
YOUNG MACDUFF
LADY MACDUFF
(Actors wait at the edges of the stage to make entries and exits as quickly as possible. NARRATOR/MACBETH stands downstage. He will guide and participate in the action. At any time the act is mentioned, the roman numeral is spelled out. This is "Act Eye-Vee."
WITCHES are center stage with a jump rope. CAULDRON sits upstage.)
Lights Up
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Macbeth! Act IV! The weird sisters do weird things!
(WITCHES 1 and 3 spin a rope for 2 to jump.)
WITCH 1
(in time with the spinning rope) Double, double, toil and trouble.
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
WITCH 2
(jumping) Macbeth thinks we're on his side, but
We're just fans of regicide.
NARRATOR/MACBETH
What is it you do?
(WITCHES stop skipping.)
WITCH 3
A deed without a name.
WITCH 1
(to 3) Actually, it is a deed named skipping rope.
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Tell me the future!
WITCH 2
We're busy. Go to the cauldron and talk to the three ghosts.
(Exeunt WITCHES.
CAULDRON raises the first ghost, a poster board drawing of a severed head.)
CAULDRON
Macbeth!
NARRATOR/MACBETH
That looks just like my head, but with no body attached. What could that possibly symbolize?
CAULDRON
Beware Macduff!
(CAULDRON brings down the first ghost.)
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Don't go--I spent too long drawing that poster!
(CAULDRON raises the second ghost, a bloody child.)
CAULDRON
Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth!
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Had I three ears, I'd hear thee.
CAULDRON
That's the stupidest line in the whole play!(1)
Beware no man born of woman.
(CAULDRON brings down the second ghost, raises the third: text, "Adam Can't Draw")
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Should I be afraid of Macduff or not!
CAULDRON
You shall never be vanquished 'til the day
Hillside Arboretum to Theater A
shall come against you.
(CAULDRON lowers third ghost, exits.)
NARRATOR/MACBETH
I'm confused. How were those ghosts supposed to teach me about the spirit of Christmas?
(Enter LADY MACDUFF, YOUNG MACDUFF.)
NARRATOR/MACBETH (CONT'D)
Macduff has fled to England, leaving his family behind.
YOUNG MACDUFF
Mother, I need you to sign this permission slip for our field trip to see the sixty-five-year-old man.
LADY MACDUFF
It says both parents have to sign. Your father has abandoned us or been killed.
(Enter MURDERERS.)
YOUNG MACDUFF
But mother, when will I have another chance to see anyone so old in medieval Scotland?
MURDERER 1
Where's your husband?
LADY MACDUFF
I was just explaining to my son that he has left us completely defenseless.
MURDERER 2
Excellent!
(MURDERERS kill LADY MACDUFF and YOUNG MACDUFF, exeunt.)
NARRATOR/MACBETH
The next scene takes place in England. Listen closely, and you may actually hear William Shakespeare's lips make contact with King James the First's buttocks.
(LADY MACDUFF and YOUNG MACDUFF crawl away. Enter MALCOLM and MACDUFF. The more they talk about the king, the more excited they will become. By the time ROSS enters, they are clutching each other, barely able to stand on their own. Their pleasure borders on sexual.)
MACDUFF
You know who I hate?
MALCOLM
Who?
MACDUFF
Jesuits!
MALCOLM
Me too! They're so resistant to interrogation!
MACDUFF
It's as if they don't enjoy being persecuted!
MALCOLM
I hate Jesuits do much!
MACDUFF
You know who rocks?!
MALCOLM
The king of England!
MACDUFF
I was just about to the say, "The King of England!"
MALCOLM
He's such a great king!
MACDUFF
He's so graceful!
MALCOLM
He's so handsome!
MACDUFF
He's so hot!
MALCOLM
He cures the sick, with HIS HANDS!
MACDUFF
HE CAN SEE THE FUTURE!
MALCOLM
God much love him SO MUCH!
MACDUFF
The king of England rocks me!
MALCOLM
He rocks me so hard!
MACDUFF
He rocks my ass!
MALCOLM
He rocks my ass so hard!
MACDUFF
But not just the current king of England--
MALCOLM
All kings of England!
MACDUFF
But especially, the king of England at the beginning of the seventeenth century!
MALCOLM
That's so far in the future, whoever's king then must be the greatest king of England ever!
(Enter ROSS.)
ROSS
Are you guys talking about the king of England?
MALCOLM
You know it!
ROSS
He rocks my ass!
MACDUFF
How are my wife and children?
ROSS
They're well.
MALCOLM
Let's go retake Scotland! That ass-rocking king of England has agreed to help us.
MACDUFF
That is so cool of him.
(MALCOLM and MACDUFF start to leave. ROSS interrupts.)
ROSS
Macduff, remember when I said your family was well?
MACDUFF
Yes.
ROSS
By "well", I meant "not well at all".
MACDUFF
Oh?
ROSS
By "not well at all", I mean "dead."
MACDUFF
Oh, God!
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Will Macduff get his revenge? Find out--
ROSS
In fact, they were all brutally murdered.
MACDUFF
Oh, God!
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Come back next week for--
ROSS
Brutally and slowly. Their screams were heard miles away.
MACDUFF
Oh, God!
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Act V--
ROSS
Total bloodbath! You can't even tell which defiled corpse is which!
MACDUFF
Oh, God!
NARRATOR/MACBETH
The thrilling conclusion of Macbeth!
Lights Down
NOTES:
(1) It really is.
Performed by Adam Hahn with Aprille Clarke as Lady Macbeth; Jesse Blaine, Sean Shatto, and Jamal River as Witches; Bobby Evers as Cauldron; Michael Tabor as Ross; Mirri, Katy Baggs, and Timm Sitzmann as Murderers; Danielle Santangelo as Macduff; Alisa Rosenthal as Lady Macduff; Eli Wilkinson as Young Macduff; Denny Crall as Malcolm.
Library]
