Dramatis Personae
NARRATOR/MACBETH- Thane of Glamis and Cawdor
LADY MACBETH
ROSS- from the television series "Friends"
DUNCAN- the king
BANQUO- Macbeth's friend
MALCOLM- the relatively interesting prince
DONALBAIN- the boring prince
SERVANTS- two servants to Duncan
OLD MAN
MACDUFF- Thane of Fife
(Actors wait at the edges of the stage to make entries and exits as quickly as possible. NARRATOR/MACBETH stands downstage. He will guide and participate in the action. DUNCAN also starts onstage. At any time the act is mentioned, the roman numeral is spelled out. This is "Act Eye-Eye.")
Lights Up
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Macbeth! Act II!
Inverness castle, where Duncan, King of Scotland, has come to celebrate victory in battle and his birthday.
DUNCAN
Act I made me too sleepy to celebrate. I'll put my birthday cake next to my bed, so I can cut it first thing in the morning. I hope no one eats my cake while I'm asleep. Or stabs me to death.
(Exit DUNCAN.)
NARRATOR/MACBETH
In the middle of the night, Macbeth talks to himself.
Is this a dagger which I see before me, the handle toward my hand?
LADY MACBETH
(entering) No, that's your script. Your dagger is in your pocket.
NARRATOR/MACBETH
(producing butter knife) Is this a dagger which I see before me?
LADY MACBETH
No, that's a butter knife.
NARRATOR/MACBETH
(producing keys) Is this a dagger?
LADY MACBETH
Car keys!
NARRATOR/MACBETH
(producing cell phone) Is this--
LADY MACBETH
You know what, just use the butter knife.
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Right! I'm off to rape the king! I mean, kill. I'm off to kill the king. (1)
(Exit MACBETH)
LADY MACBETH
I hope he's not too stupid to follow the instructions I left next to the cake. They say, "Smear frosting on servants. Eat cake. Also, kill king."
(Enter MACBETH, licking his butter knife.)
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Man, that was good cake. It was really good cake. It was moist and rich and chocolaty. It was soooo good.
Also, I killed Duncan.
LADY MACBETH
Wait--did you eat the entire cake?
NARRATOR/MACBETH
No, there's still some left.
(Exit LADY MACBETH.)
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Oh, my tummy doesn't feel so good.
(Enter LADY MACBETH, licking fingers.)
LADY MACBETH
You were right. The cake was delicious.
NARRATOR/MACBETH
I think I had too much.
LADY MACBETH
Shut up and take it like a man.
NARRATOR/MACBETH
But it hurts.
(Enter MACDUFF.)
MACDUFF
Hey, it's me, Macduff. I'm the opposite of Macbeth in every way. Where's the king?
LADY MACBETH
Through there--just let yourself into the king's bedroom. You can be the one who discovers the corpse.
MACDUFF
Fair enough.
(Exit MACDUFF.)
LADY MACBETH
(to MACBETH) Remember to act surprised.
MACDUFF
(offstage) Motherfuck!
(MACDUFF enters, pulling SERVANTS by the arms. SERVANTS have frosting smeared around their mouths. Enter MALCOLM, DONALBAIN, BANQUO.)
MACDUFF
These two servants ate all of the king's birthday cake. Also, they killed him.
SERVANTS
(with an exaggerated shrug) But we didn't eat any cake!
(Each SERVANT spots the frosting on the other, points at the other's face.)
SERVANTS
Wha--?
NARRATOR/MACBETH
I'm so angry! And surprised!
(MACBETH stabs SERVANTS with his butter knife. They fall down dead. He continues quietly stabbing their corpses while MALCOLM and DONALBAIN talk.)
MALCOLM
Without any cake, this will be our father's worst birthday party ever. Also, he's dead. I'm going to England.
DONALBAIN
Sounds interesting, and by "interesting", I mean "not for me." I'd better go to Ireland, where I have no chance of reappearing later in the play.
MALCOLM
I would miss you if you weren't so boring.
(Exeunt MALCOLM, DONALBAIN.)
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Help me with these guys. I want to stab them some more offstage.
(MACDUFF, BANQUO, LADY MACBETH drag away SERVANTS.)
NARRATOR/MACBETH
(exiting) Outside the castle, Ross from the television series "Friends" talks to an old man.
(Enter ROSS, OLD MAN.)
OLD MAN
I'm so old!
ROSS
I know. You've got to be almost fifty.
It's unusually dark out here, don't you think?
OLD MAN
Unusual? I'll tell you what's unusual: I remember things that happened seventy years ago. This is medieval Scotland: people don't live that long!
ROSS
Yeah, but aren't there a lot of dark, ominous things happening around us? Like all the black clouds and owls attacking falcons?
OLD MAN
Do you realize I've outlived most of my great grandchildren?
ROSS
I get it: you're old.
OLD MAN
I would say I'm the oldest living man in the British Isles. That's far more unusual than clouds or fighting birds.
ROSS
Look! Duncan's horses are eating each other!
OLD MAN
Well, I guess that's a little odd.
(Enter MACDUFF)
MACDUFF
Macbeth is our new king. He'll be crowned at Scone.
ROSS
Are you going to Scone?
MACDUFF
Nope. I'm going to Fife. I've heard there's a circus there with living sixty-five-year-old man, and I want to see him with my own eyes. Do you believe anyone could live that long--in Medieval Scotland?!
NARRATOR/MACBETH
(entering) And just for closure, let's say the Old Man drops dead.
(OLD MAN drops dead.)
NARRATOR/MACBETH
Come back next week for Act III of Macbeth!
Lights Down
NOTES:
(1) It was Shakespeare's idea to mention rape, not Hahn's. See Three-Hour Macbeth Act II, scene 1, line 54, "With Tarquin's ravishing strides . . . "
Performed by Adam Hahn with Aprille Clarke as Lady Macbeth, Jamal River as Old Man, Michael Tabor as Ross, Sadie Smith as Duncan, Jonathan Shelton as Banquo, Eli Wilkinson and Mirri as Servants, Denny Crall as Malcolm, Patrick Ashcraft as Donalbain, and Danielle Santangelo as Macduff.
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