ADAM is dressed as a cowboy, wearing a toy six-shooter. Upstage is a table where ADAM's Quizno's hat and plastic gloves wait. MICHAEL TABOR sits downstage, wearing a sombrero and looking ornery. ADAM will walk bowlegged throughout the piece, shouting and waving his gun.
Lights Up.
I am a gunfighter!
As a gunfighter, I am not to be trifled with. If you trifle with me, you will get a belly full of lead, which is another way of saying I will shoot you.
I shoot so many people I get tired of saying that I shot them, so I make use of idiomatic expressions like "a belly full of lead". I never get tired of actually shooting people, because I am a gunfighter!
Now I will demonstrate gunfighting!
Adam poses, then draws his six-shooter very awkwardly.
I can see that you are impressed by my speed, but I am much faster in a real gunfight. My enemies see only a blur of gunfighting as they receive an abdomen full of heavy metal.
This is my fellow gunfighter, Miguel the Murderous Mexican.
MICHAEL looks even more ornery.
Before you ask: No, this is not Michael the Murderous Midwesterner. I don't know where Michael is, and neither do you. Anyone who suggests to the marshals looking for Murderous Michael that he and Murderous Miguel are the same person will get un estómago full of plomo.
Enter SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL, looking confused.
We gunfight in the West. Do not refer to the setting of our gunfights as the Old West, as our West is completely modern.
It is now the second half of the nineteenth century, the golden age of western gunfighting. Anyone who tries to tell me this is the early twenty-first century will get his guts full of--
Excuse me?
Howdy, cowgirl.
Are you here to learn about gunfighting, or are you here to get your breadbasket full of dense greyish material?
Um, how about a sandwich?
A sandwich of lead?
No, a sandwich of food.
This is a sandwich shop, right?
I'll give you to the count of three.
One!
SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL runs away.
Two!
Gunfight!
Adam draws awkwardly, shoots after girl. Turning to the audience, he blows imaginary smoke from the barrel of his gun.
Where was I?
Gunfighting!
Perhaps you have noticed that the weapon I use to demonstrate my gunfighting prowess is not entirely a real gun.
Question: What kind of gunfighter carries a toy gun?
Answer: A very bold and dangerous gunfighter!
Enter RESPONSIBLE ADULT, SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL trailing behind.
If you trifle with me, the imaginary nature of my weapon will not prevent me from filling your tum-tum with plumbum.
I am a gunfighter!
Howdy.
Adam, what are you doing?
I'm sharing my experience as a gunfighter with this crowd of green-horns.
Did you have a tough day of teaching?
I had a bloody day of teaching my enemies what it feels like to get their, uh, their midsections full of--
Full of--
He cannot think of another word for "lead".
Did you have a tough day substitute teaching? In a high school?
Adam breaks character.
Yeah, I guess today was kind of tough.
What makes it tough?
Well, the kids.
Tell me what they do.
They just don't listen.
And they wait until I'm not looking, then they break things.
What kind of things?
Things like furniture. They broke a table.
In English class.
While we read a play.
That's pretty bad.
Do they ever pick on you?
They make fun of my beard. They call me "patches".
Sometimes, when I'm driving home, they do this at me. (shows middle finger)
Why do they have to do that?
How does it make you feel when they pick on you?
Not good.
Kind of impotent?
Yeah.
Does that make you feel like don't want to come to work at the sandwich shop after you're done teaching.
Yeah.
Does that make you want to spend all night playing dress-up and make-believe?
Maybe.
Is it your job to play make-believe or to make sandwiches?
(mumbles) make sandwiches
I didn't hear you.
It's my job to make sandwiches.
Adam turns away, moves upstage to put on his Quizno's hat
Good.
What is Michael Tabor doing in that stupid sombrero?
I don't know. He was wearing it when I came in.
During the next few lines, RESPONSIBLE ADULT will motion for MICHAEL to leave. He remains in place until she leads him away by the ear.
I'd like a Turkey Bacon Guacamole.
Is this for here or to go?
To go.
White or wheat bread?
White.
What size?
Regular.
Lights Begin Slow Fade. They will cut off the following conversation.
Tomatoes and onions on that?
Are the tomatoes fresh?
Yeah, they were just cut this morning.
Tomato. No onion.
What kind of cheese comes on that?
It's mozzarella, unless you'd rather have Swiss or cheddar.
What about provolone?
It's mozzarella, unless you'd rather have Swiss or cheddar.
Could I have extra Swiss.
Yeah, but I'd have to charge you--
etc.
Performed by Adam Hahn, Michael Tabor, Mirri, Aprille Clarke.
Performed by Adam Hahn, Michael Tabor, Mirri, Aprille Clarke.
Performed by Adam Hahn
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