copyright © 2004 by Adam Hahn
Adam is dressed like a substitute teacher.
LIGHTS UP
In real life, I'm a substitute teacher.
I started subbing this week, and I had never realized how many seventh graders could pass for college girls. That gave me a really weird feeling, like, "Oh my God, I can never again make sexual advances toward some random stranger I met at the mall."
That's not what this piece is about.
I just brought that up to put this monologue back into the original context in which it was written.
I wrote most of this piece today while I was teaching. I taught seventh grade geography, and I had time to work on this while my students were taking a test.
I'd like to try to recreate that, so what I need is for you, the No Shame audience, to be my students. Think back to when you were in the seventh grade. You're twelve or thirteen years old, you're taking a test, and you are about to write an essay on one of the following topics:
1. What are some of the places and landforms in the area of the United States where you live? or:
2. How does the sun affect life on Earth?
You are in your desks thinking about sunlight and landforms. Meanwhile, I'm at the front of the room, and I'm thinking this:
(pause)
It's not an easy thing to kill a man. You will find it especially difficult due to your choice of weapon: a plastic spork from Taco Bell.
The spork, although versatile, was not developed with this particular application in mind. As you stab at the man's neck, attempting to locate and open his carotid artery, it is likely to break in your hand.
KEEP STABBING!
Capillary bleeding will likely make the handle of your spork quite slick, so keep a firm grasp until you see spurts of bright red arterial blood.
When you do, you should finish making love to him, take a shower, and go home.
LIGHTS DOWN
It is helpful to have an actual plastic spork which can be jabbed at the air and snapped in half in demonstration.
There are two sections to this piece. You may:
1. Perform both, as written.
2. Shift the first section into third person. ("In real life, the guy who wrote this is a substitute teacher. . . ") If you do this, feel free to take whatever liberties with the first section you need to in order to make yourself and the audience comfortable.
3. Skip the first section and begin with "It's not an easy thing. . . "
Performed by Adam Hahn.
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