(LIGHTS UP on LOVERBOY, standing at a table (or a pedestal sink, if you have one) downstage and off-center. A bench/couch/chair positioned upstage on the opposite side is empty. Somewhere on stage is a phone. )

     You will fall in love with me.
     Up to this point, our relationship has been ambiguous, and perhaps you have been unsure how to feel about me.
     You will fall in love with me.
     We share a connection, you and I. You agreed to this date tonight because you sense this. You cannot resist me.
     Tonight, I will be warm, and charming, and adorable. I will take you to see The Hours, and later, to Village Inn.
     You will fall in love with me.
     I will see you naked. You will see me naked, and we will be naked together. Neither of us will laugh.
     You and I will make love. Not tonight, because you are not a slut, and I do not date sluts. Perhaps next weekend.
     You will fall in love with me.
     You will be unlike all other girls I have dated. After tonight's date, you will not avoid me. You will not fall out of love with me. You will not decide you are more in love with your ex-boyfriend. You will not tell me I am too "creepy" or "obsessive." You will enjoy giving and receiving oral sex.
     You will fall in love with me.

(Enter ROOMMATE, carrying shoes.)

ROOMMATE:
     Hey. (Sit upstage and change shoes.)

LOVERBOY:
     Oh. I thought you left. (Begin applying shaving cream.)

ROOMMATE:
     Yeah, I came back to change shoes.
     You've got that big date tonight, right?

LOVERBOY:
     Yeah.
     No.
     I mean, it's not a big date. I'm just going out with a girl from class.
     Just a movie, maybe dinner.
     It's no big deal.

ROOMMATE:
     Who were you talking to when I came in?

LOVERBOY:
     I wasn't talking to anyone.

ROOMMATE:
     I heard you. You said something about oral sex.

LOVERBOY:
     I was singing along with the radio.

ROOMMATE:
     The radio isn't on.

LOVERBOY:
     Yes it is.
     It was-- the radio was on, and I was singing along with it, then I turned it off, and you came home, and I was still singing.

ROOMMATE:
     About oral sex?

(Long pause)

LOVERBOY: I have to make a phone call!

(Finds the phone, dials, talks while ROOMMATE watches silently)

LOVERBOY:
     Hello? Yeah, I was just getting ready. I though maybe I could pick you up in like half an hour?
     Sure.
     Yeah, that's okay.
     How about tomorrow night. . .
     Yeah.
     Yeah.
     I understand, you just got out of a long relationship.
     It's no big deal.
     So, I'll see you in class on Monday.
     Goodnight.

(Long pause, LOVERBOY beings wiping off shaving cream.)

ROOMMATE:
     Are you all right?

LOVERBOY:
     Yeah, I'm fine. It's no big deal. I didn't really want to see The Hours anyway.

ROOMMATE:
     Do you want to come to the bar with us?

LOVERBOY:
     No, I have a lot of reading this semester, and I'm kind of behind.
     Anyway, I'm kind of tired. I'll probably just read for a while then go to bed early.

ROOMMATE:
     Okay.
     If you change your mind later, call my cell phone.

(Exit ROOMMATE, LOVERBOY remains as LIGHTS SLOWLY FADE)

"You Will Fall in Love With Me" debuted March 28, 2003, performed by Adam Hahn, James Erwin.

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[Adam Hahn's website]

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