Dale Gregory ©2005

Linda and Steve (husband and wife hosting the party)

Mary and John (married couple)

Jean and Hank (married couple)

Nancy and Jerry (married couple)

Five other various partiers

(LIGHTS UP on Group of people at a party. It is a costume Halloween party. Everyone is drinking and talking.)

MARY

Hey Linda, fun party. Thanks for inviting me.

LINDA

I’m glad you could make it. It turned out well.

JOHN

Thank God you didn’t invite Nancy & Jerry this year.

MARY

Oh that’s right. (gulping a martini) Talk about a buzz kill.

HANK

Who is Nancy and Jerry?

MARY

Oh, they’re really good friends of ours.

JEAN

Good friends?

JOHN

Yeah.

HANK

But you just talked about them like they weren’t.

JEAN

Nancy and Jerry used to be a lot of fun. Always the life of the party.

HANK

They’re not now? So what happened?

MARY

They used to be overweight.

JOHN

Overweight? Jesus they were huge!

MARY

Then they both decided to get that gastric bypass surgery.

HANK/JEAN

Oh.

JOHN

Now that they’ve lost the weight, they‘ve become impossible to be with.

LINDA

Always showing off their new bodies.

HANK

God, I liked them better when they were fat.

MARY

Yeah, they were a lot more fun. I didn’t used have to worry about this one (pointing to John) around Nancy. Now that she lost weight, I’m a nervous wreck. She’s hot.

JOHN

I never thought I’d say it, but Nancy has a great body.

MARY

And Jerry? Wow! Great ass!

JEAN

(turned on) Really? I mean, that’s great that he lost all that weight. (beat) How nice is it?

MARY

Let me put it this way, I now have to worry about this one around both of them (again pointing at JOHN).

JOHN

The man has a nice ass.

HANK

It sounds like they would be great at a party.

JOHN

You would think so. But no.

LINDA

All they talk about is how great their bodies are.

STEVE crosses to LINDA

STEVE

Honey, I just found out that Nancy and Jerry are here.

WIFE

What? How?

STEVE

I don’t know. They just got here. What do we do?

JERRY and NANCY enter from the back. Both wearing nothing but matching thongs. Leopard print.

JERRY/NANCY

Bull-ya! We’re ba-ack!!

(Everyone gasps in shock.)

WIFE

(unenthused) Oh…look everyone…its Nancy and Jerry. (flat)Yay.

STEVE

(unenthused) How very nice. We were wondering if you two were going to show up. Especially since we had forgotten to mail your invitation.

NANCY

Are you kidding? We wouldn’t miss it for the world!

JERRY

Let’s get this party started! Wa-hoo!

(THEY both are bumping and grinding while turning in a circle for us to see their bare backsides.)

NANCY

Wa-hoo!!!

JERRY

Yeah baby, yeah!

WIFE

Oh my god!

STEVE

Dear Lord!

JERRY

(sticking out his butt To EVERYONE) How about that huh? (To NANCY) Spank it baby spank it!

NANCY does so.

NANCY

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Stop. Jerry, I told you it was a costume party. Great, now we look stupid.

JERRY

Oh no.

NANCY

Linda, I’m sorry. We didn’t dress up.

HANK

(to MARY)That’s not their costumes?

MARY

(to JEAN) No.

NANCY

Wait a minute. I have an idea. We can go naked and be Adam and Eve.

JERRY

Well all right! Let’s do it.

STEVE

Oh, that’s okay. You guys look fine. Really. Keep wearing what you have on.

NANCY

Are you sure?

STEVE

Pretty sure, yeah.

JERRY

Because we don’t mind. We have the bodies for it.

STEVE

No really it’s fine. Please don’t do it. Why don’t you two go mingle?

JERRY

(crossing to) John, there you are big guy! (sticking out his butt) Look at that. Huh? I know you want to grab it. Go ahead.

HANK

No, that’s all right there Jerry.

JERRY

Johhhhhnnnn! Come on now, I saw you looking at it when we came in.

JOHN

That’s because you were sticking it in everyone’s face there Jerry.

JERRY

Just touch it then. Go ahead, for luck.

JOHN

(looking at it as though hypnotized) It is rather nice.

JOHN touches it. Then grabs at it.

JOHN

Wow, it feels kind of good.

JERRY

See!

MARY

Good Lord John! Get your hand off of Jerry’s ass.

JERRY

Uh-oh. It looks like someone is jealous. Mary, you can have a turn too. Go ahead. Get some Jerry.

NANCY jumps in.

NANCY

No fair, no fair! Everyone is touching Jerry and not me! Okay, everyone who wants to feel my ta-tas?

JOHN raises his hands as do various men and women at the party. MARY hits JOHN on the arm for raising his hand.

JERRY

(playfully)I do sexy lady!

NANCY

(playfully back)What? Who sexy?

JERRY

You sexy!

NANCY

Me sexy?

JERRY

That’s right baby! Wa-hoo!!! (dancing around bumping and grinding)

NANCY

Wa-hoo!!!

JERRY

Okay, everyone listen up, let’s form line behind John. Everyone will get a turn groping our sexy bodies.

LINDA

Oh. I don’t think we should…I mean we have all sorts of fun stuff planned already like bobbing for apples and…

NANCY

Linda? Does someone need a little love touch? (sticking out her chest) Come on Linda. Feel that good Nancy love. (making her breast shake back and forth) Go ahead now.

(taking Linda’s hand and placing it on her breast.)

NANCY

There it is. Linda is feeling the love everyone.

EVERYONE claps.

WIFE

Oh. My. That is rather nice.

JERRY

(sticks his butt out) Hey, Linda. Go ahead girl! Get you some Jerry love.

LINDA does so.

LINDA

Oh that is lovely.

STEVE

(trying to stop the madness)Okay, I tell you what everyone. Why don’t we save the touch Nancy & Jerry game for later?

(steering JERRY and NANCY away from the crowd)

Jerry, Nancy, I want you to meet Jean and Hank.

(HANK puts out his hand to shake.)

JERRY

Uh-oh looks like someone wants a touchy touch.

HANK

No, no. Just trying to shake your hand is all.

JERRY

Handshake? You get a hug. A Jerry hug.

(JERRY hugs HANK. HANK is uncomfortable hugging an almost naked man but does so with hesitancy.)

NANCY

Jean! (hugging Jean)

As they hug, Nancy puts JEAN’s head in her breast.

NANCY

There ya go. Isn’t that nice.

JEAN lifts her head up. Gasping for air. JERRY hugs Jean. HANK begins to hug NANCY.

JEAN

(to her husband) Back off.

HANK

What? You got to hug him. I should be able to hug her.

JEAN

Nice to meet you both.

HANK

So congratulations!

NANCY

For what?

JEAN

On your recent weight loss. I think it’s wonderful.

JERRY

What did you say?

JEAN

We heard about your weight loss.

NANCY

Oh my god.

JERRY

Did you just call us fat?

HANK

What? No. I never said that.

NANCY

You did. You just called us ugly and fat.

JEAN

No.

NANCY

Who are you people?

JERRY

You are bad, bad people.

HANK

What? Come on now.

STEVE

What’s wrong?

JERRY

Your new friends called us fat!

NANCY

Honey, let’s go.

JERRY

Nice party Steve. But we have to go. What kind of messed up people are you and Linda inviting to your parties?

NANCY

And we were having such a nice time! Good bye!

THEY exit.

EVERYONE looks at each other confused.

BLACKOUT