(LIGHTS UP on Woman)

God works in mysterious ways.

Two weeks ago, when I was driving home from work, a teenage boy was driving beside me in the other lane. His car stereo was so loud that I could feel the vibrations through my seat. When we stopped at the light, the vibration became worse and I felt violated. A sudden rage came over me. All I wanted to do was smash his speakers and his car with a baseball bat.

(beat) Immediately, a warm feeling flushed through my heart. The fantasy of smashing his speakers and car brought a small sense of relief.

Then I reminded myself that I was a pacifist. And such thoughts are not allowed.

Two days later when going to work, a man in a pick-up was turning left. He pulled out in front of me. I slammed on my brakes. I honked my horn and he flipped me off!

I was so angry that I began trembling. I never get angry. I immediately fantasized that he would wreck his truck into a tree and would stay alive long enough to suffer great pain from his injuries before going to hell. I don’t even believe in hell.

But, again that warm feeling of comfort came over me just like it did when I fantasized about the baseball bat.

A week later, when going to the store, a mini van began tailgating me. I could see in my mirror that it was a soccer mom with children in the back seat. She was so close that I could see her poorly bleached hair. She looked crazed.

I was going well over the speed limit, but she continued to tailgate me. She almost ran into my car at a stop light and I could see her screaming and throwing up her hands as if I were the one who didn’t know how to drive.

When the light turned green, I did something bad (giggles) I moved forward very slowly. I wasn’t even going two miles per hour. She couldn’t take it any longer and sped around me. That’s when I saw it. On her back bumper. A sticker that read "Bush/Cheney 2004".

I immediately fantasized about her husband getting arrested for soliciting sex on an undercover policeman in a park-who else but closeted gay men marry crazed, republican soccer moms with a bad bleach job-Upon hearing the news, she would have a nervous breakdown, shoot herself in the face, and miss just enough to live but be maimed for the rest of her life.

(beat) It was if I slipped into a warm soothing bath.

I felt a sense of guilt. I mean, as a Unitarian Universalist, I’m supposed to seek out social injustice and fight the good fight with love and peace. Not fantasize about violence towards others.

I came to the conclusion that I would stop these crazy fantasies and seek god’s voice in all of this. Or at the very least, Oprah’s.

I took a week’s vacation from work. And that entire week-morning and night-I watched all of the Oprah and Dr. Phil shows that I had on tape.

Finally, the following Sunday I found my answer. It came on my way to church. I was running late because I accidentally slept in. I didn’t sleep well the night before. I was to sing a solo in the church choir that morning and I was nervous.

On the way there, it seemed as though I was hitting every red light. I became very anxious.

And then, when I turned onto the street that the church was on, I had to stop!

(beat) A family of ducks began crossing the road. I had stopped just in time. Then it hit me. God was slowing me down. Isn’t it just like God to use a family of ducks to give us our answer?

So I ran over them with my car.

I had to, they were holding up both sides of traffic. If I waited any longer, I would miss performing my solo at church. Unitarian Universalist church services are very much regimented. The choir would perform the song with or without me. I worked too hard on my solo not to perform it. Dr. Phil and Oprah always say that you have to find your passion and don‘t let anything get in your way. Live the genuine life that you are supposed to live. Singing in the choir was my first step in leading that genuine life. That of a famous singer/songwriter.

We can’t let things like a family of ducks or tone deafness and an inability to read music ever get in our way. Today, a solo in the choir, tomorrow American Idol!

It wasn’t sadistic, violent rages I had when fantasizing. (dark) It was the new me trying to rip out of that old untalented, insecure, fat, repulsive, self. (bright) I’m in charge of my destiny now. And I will not let toxic behavior of others get in my way. I will stand up for myself.

Why just tonight I followed a woman to her home after she cut in front of me at the super market check out counter. I just wanted to scare her. Boy was she terrified. Sure the police came. And sure I was arrested. But I will not let that stop me. I will be a famous singer songwriter just like Celine Dion.

BLACK OUT