copyright © 1986 Jeff Goode

A Toby Huss Piece

The funniest thing happened to me – I mean, I know that sounds like I'm setting up for a joke, but this is completely serious, I mean seriously, the funniest thing in the world – I mean, seriously the most absolutely most funniestest thing happened to me. In the world.

HAIRBALL! HAIRBALL!

If I were you I wouldn't laugh. Every day another child dies of starvation. Every night another woman is raped or beaten. Every day in the middle east, another man bleeds to death on the floor of his own home. Gunshot wound. Or shrapnel. You know, there are people in Africa who can't get a good haircut!

SO WHY DO WE LISTEN? WHY? WHY? WE CAN TURN IT OFF. WE CAN AT LEAST TURN DOWN THE VOLUME.

No, that's not it. That's not the problem. You know what the problem is? There is too much love in the world. I think if there was only a pound of love, well, okay, five pounds of love in the entire world, well, okay, five pounds of love in the entire city, then everything would be all right because we would take all five pounds and have a party and everyone would have some, and there would be people doing lines and people shooting it into their veins or putting it under their eyelids and then in the morning, all the love would be gone and we wouldn't have to worry about it.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TEAR OUT MY HEART AND STOMP IT INTO THE ASPHALT? TAKE ME! TAKE ME!

But on a lighter note, Why are black people always complaining? What's so difficult? Being black is like being white, only with black skin.

SO? SO? SO WHAT? WHO LISTENS TO YOU ANYWAY? 800 COLLEGE STUDENTS PROTEST APARTHEID.

But on a lighter note, Why are blue people always complaining? What's so difficult? Being blue is like being white, only with blue skin.

AM I A RACIST? AM I A FASCIST? AM I AN ARTIST? AM I HUMAN? JOIN THE ARMY, SEE FOREIGN LANDS!

But on a lighter note, Why are yellow people always complaining? What's so difficult? Being yellow is like being black, only with yellow skin.

AND THE WORLD – AND THE UNIVERSE – AND THE MUSIC WAS GETTING LOUDER AND LOUDER. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! THREE GUNSHOTS, NO, BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! FOUR GUNSHOTS AND THE PLANE WAS SPINNING. BOISE! BOISE! BOISE! I WRESTLED THE GUN OUT OF HIS HAND, BUT THE BLOOD WAS RUSHING TO MY HEAD. HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME!

And then I was standing in a pickup truck and everyone started clapping.

 "A Toby Huss Piece" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
This was a piece written for one of the truck No Shames. Toby Huss had just returned to Iowa City from New York (that day, I think). I didn't really know Toby all that well at the time, but none of his closest friends (Todd, Stan, et.al.) had written anything he was going to be in that night, so I wrote this piece - I'm pretty sure it was written right before the show - because it seemed like a shame not to have him do something.

"A Toby Huss Piece" debuted Fall 1986 at No Shame in the truck. (Best guess: October 31st. But November 14th is also a possibility.) Performed by Toby Huss.

Performed at No Shame Los Angeles on April 11, 2003, by Jeff Goode.

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