by Jeff Goode
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR(A conference room. Corporate meeting in progress:)
SECRETARY. And that brings us to the final item on the agenda to be discussed: Our new line of anger management products.
CEO. Is there anybody here from Anger Management?
SECRETARY. Willoughby is on the way over running a little late.
HR. As usual.
VP. Would you lay off, H.R?
SECRETARY. Do you want to wait for Willoughby?
CEO. No, Ive got a plane to catch. Lets discuss this and wrap things up here.
SECRETARY. So what has been the general reaction to their progress in this quarter?
HR. Overall excellent.
CEO. And the new product lines?
VP. Theyre terrific. Profits are up. Costs are down. Customer satisfaction is above expectations.
HR. Considering theyre angry to begin with.
VP. The only negative to report is a high-level of work-place stress in that division.
HR. But thats to be expected. Theyve been under a lot of pressure over in Anger Management.
CEO. Thats true. After the firings last year. And then the shootings. The whole department has been in a shambles, lets face it.
HR. Willoughby survived the blood-letting and then the bloodshed and was appointed to replace Saundra Markins may she rest in peace and tasked with turning things around by the end of this quarter.
VP. Which is pretty much what were seeing in this eval.
CEO (glances at watch) Well, Im sure a positive assessment will go a long way toward improving morale over there. Be sure to send Willoughby a copy of the minutes, along with my congratulations. Meeting is adjourned.(CEO exits.)
SECRETARY. Are we still noting attendance in the minutes?
HR. Everyones here except for Willoughby.(Enter WILLOUGHBY, looking stressed.)
WILLOUGHBY. Hi! Im so sorry Im late.
VP. Willoughby, we were just talking about you.
HR. Youre late.
WILLOUGHBY. I know, Im sorry. But weve been working very, very, incredibly hard over in Anger since the last quarter. And Im eager to get your feedback on the progress weve made.
VP. That wont be necessary.
WILLOUGHBY. No, no, I know its been a rough couple of quarters, but we welcome the criticism. Theres always room for improvement. (sits down, nervous) Ahem So What has been the reaction to progress in our division, overall?
VP. Thats been discussed, Willoughby.
WILLOUGHBY. Did you say ?
WILLOUGHBY. Disgust ?
VP. Of course.
WILLOUGHBY. You cant mean that all of you
HR. Discussed it, Willoughby.
WILLOUGHBY. But our profits
WILLOUGHBY. Customer satisfaction?
WILLOUGHBY. Our progress in every area across the board
HR. Discussed! Discussed! Its all been discussed, Willoughby! Now would you get out of my way, the meetings over.
SECRETARY. Its all in the minutes, Willoughby. Its all been discussed. Ill fax you a copy first thing.
SECRETARY. (worried) Are you all right?
WILLOUGHBY. Oh my God!! Ive been working my ass off all year. I survived a workplace shootout, and the reaction to my work has been DISGUST?!
VP. Oh, uh, no, wait, Willoughby, I think you misunderstand.
HR. Not "disgust" like "distaste". "Discussed" like, "Its over, through, finished."
WILLOUGHBY. So now youre firing me?! Oh my GOD!! No! (pulls out a gun) Noooo!
HR. Gun!!(WILLOUGHBY opens fire, and keeps shooting until the gun is empty, killing everyone else in the room.)
WILLOUGHBY. Thats what I think of your evaulation!!(WILLOUGHBY notices the Secretarys minutes and reads:)
"4:45. Anger Management performance discussed. Overall excellent." Uh oh.(WILLOUGHBY looks around at the dead bodies, reads again:)
"In attendance. All, except Willoughby."(WILLOUGHBY sets down the minutes and backs slowly out of the room.)(BLACKOUT.)
Performed by Ben Zolno, Stevie Guttman, Julia Carpenter, Thomas Brader, Ian Federgreen.