When I was 9 years old,
I found my dad’s stash of shemale pornography.
I thought they were gross.
But I was 9 years old
So seeing anything naked made me want to vomit.
And I just thought that was why
Looking at those pictures made me feel all squeamy inside.

When I was 12 years old,
My mom found my dad’s stash of shemale pornography.
I thought she was going to kill him.
He must have thought so, too.
‘cause he told her they were mine.

For a minute I thought I was dead for sure
But she just gave me that look of unconditional
Disgust, and love, and horror
That mom’s get when they find out their kid is gay, or a Scientologist.

And she asked me, very seriously,
If I feel more like kissing a boy, or a girl, when I grow up, or the other way around.
Well, it had never occurred to me that there were options.
And when I really thought about it, I suddenly understood why I felt queasy when I looked at Dad’s shemales.

So I looked my mother right in the eye and said,
"Mom… I feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body."

Well, that was the end of that conversation.
She ran straight upstairs and cried.
And Dad wouldn’t even look at me.
He just put all of his shemale pictures in the trash.
And I thought that was the end of it.

But then every year after that, on my birthday,
My mom would bring it up again.
"Daniel," she’d say, "Do you still feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body?"
And I’d shrug and say, "Sure, mom."
And then she’d look all sad again.
And tell me to make a wish and blow out the candles.

Every year she did that same thing.
And every year I wished for the same thing.

So I didn’t think anything of it when she asked me again on my 16^th birthday.
"Daniel, do you still feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body?"
"Yes, mom. I always do."
"Well, you’re old enough now. Get in the car, we’re going to the hospital."

That was weird.

"Why, the hospital?" I asked my Dad as we were heading out to the car.
"Because, Daniel, that’s where they perform the operation."

Operation?!
I couldn’t believe it!
I couldn’t believe my luck!
I could barely contain myself, I was so happy.
My birthday wish was finally coming true!
My parents were going to get me a trannie of my very own!

The trip to the hospital was a blur,
but I’ll never forget the final few minutes
waiting in the examination room,
wondering what he/she would look like.

Tall, I thought. But not too tall. Rugged. Feminine.

And then a woman came in.
At least, I think she was a woman.
She was dressed like a nurse.
And she said, "hello". And I said "hello".
And then she rubbed alcohol on my arm and gave me a shot of something that made me very sleepy.

And when I woke up,
My parents were there by my bedside.
And I was a woman.

I took one look at myself and said, "My God, what have you done to me?!"
And Mom just smiled and said, "Happy Birthday… Danielle. Now, how do you feel?"

And I said, "You idiot!
I still feel like kissing a man trapped in a woman’s body,
That doesn’t mean I want to BE one!"

That was the worst birthday ever.

• November 10, 2006 - No Shame Los Angeles
  

  Performed by Sinclaire Chase.

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