JEFF. I just saw that new Clint Eastwood movie about the battle of Hiroshima, and here’s what I don’t understand–

MIKE. Iwo Jima.

JEFF. What?

MIKE. Iwo Jima.

JEFF. Now, that is just offensive.

MIKE. What is?

JEFF. I’m trying to have a serious discussion about the battle of Hiroshima and you’ve got to turn it racial–

MIKE. Iwo Jima.

JEFF. --by doing a funny accent–See!

MIKE. I’m not doing an accent.

JEFF. They can’t help the way they talk, Mike–

MIKE. It’s pronounced Iwo Jima–

JEFF. --They’re not educated like we are.

MIKE. The name of the place…

JEFF. Hiroshima.

MIKE. Iwo Jima.

JEFF. Hiroshima.

MIKE. Iwo Jima.

JEFF. You can’t tell me you’re not doing a lame Chink accent on purpose.

MIKE. They’re not Chinks. It’s not a Chink accent.

JEFF. Well, it’s not a Gook accent.

MIKE. It’s a Jap accent!! And it’s not an accent!

JEFF. Well, stop it. It’s offensive.

MIKE. I’m not doing it!

JEFF. Then why am I offended?

MIKE. Because you’re an idiot who rode the short bus to school!

JEFF. Oh! You are so lucky none of my tards are here, because I would give each of them a quarter and they would kick your ass.

MIKE. What is wrong with you?

JEFF. I’m not the one who’s making racial slurs about a bunch of towelheads who kamikazeed their planes into our ships at Pearl Harbor on September 11^th.

MIKE. You can’t even get your nationalities straight.

JEFF. All I know is we didn’t drop the bomb on Hiroshima so a bunch of Chinks and Gooks could tell us it’s pronounced Iwo Jima.

MIKE. It’s not. Hiroshima is right this time.

JEFF. Damn right, it’s right! Those guys fought and died to be putting up a flag in that movie so we wouldn’t have to call it Iwo Jima.

MIKE. Yes, we do, because that’s its name.

JEFF. Would you make up your mind?

MIKE. You’re talking about two different cities.

JEFF. No, I’m talking about the Island of Hiroshima where those guys put up the flag after September 11^th.

MIKE. No, that’s two different things. Or three different things.

JEFF. What three things? Look, there’s the flag.

MIKE. Yes, that’s one thing.

JEFF. And then there’s the guys that put up the flag.

MIKE. No, that’s the same thing. That’s still one thing.

JEFF. And then they’re all on an island.

MIKE. That’s the same thing, too. That’s all one thing.

JEFF. I know it is. I’ve seen the statue!

MIKE. Yes! That’s what the movie is about. The people in that statue.

JEFF. Which they placed at Ground Zero to celebrate the attacks of September 11^th.

MIKE. No.

JEFF. Yes, I told you, I’ve seen the statue.

MIKE. No, it’s not that statue.

JEFF. You just said it was that statue.

MIKE. I was wrong.

JEFF. Finally!

MIKE. No, I’m not wrong about everything. Just the statue.

JEFF. But the statue is what the whole movie is about.

MIKE. No. The movie is about the people in the statue, only not the statue you’re thinking about. A different statue.

JEFF. How many statues are there?

MIKE. In the world?

JEFF. No, that Clint Eastwood made a movie about.

MIKE. Just one.

JEFF. All right!

MIKE. But it’s not that one.

JEFF. Not the one with the soldiers and marines–

MIKE. Yes, that one.

JEFF. --Raising the flag over Hiroshima–

MIKE. No.

JEFF. --After the attack on Pearl Harbor–

MIKE. Yes.

JEFF. --That happened on September 11^th.

MIKE. No.

(long pause)

JEFF. Okay, see, this is how wars get started.

MIKE. No, it’s not!

JEFF. Yes, it is.

MIKE. Yes, it is, but it shouldn’t be.

JEFF. Look, Mike, you go to war for the reasons you have, not the reasons you wish you had.

(beat)

MIKE. Someday, I am gong to kill you.

(beat)

JEFF. So here’s what I don’t understand about this movie.

MIKE. What?

JEFF. This is the third movie this year–

MIKE. Yes?

JEFF. --That they made about September 11^th–

MIKE. No.

JEFF. --And they didn’t show the planes hitting the towers–

MIKE. No!

JEFF. --How can you have a movie about September 11^th– etc. ad lib

MIKE. Stop!

SLOW FADE as they ad lib THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

• October 27, 2006 - No Shame Los Angeles
  

  Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.

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