copyright © 2006

JEFF. Have you heard about this new Shortbus movie?

MIKE. That’s the one where the actors supposedly have un-simulated sex on camera.

JEFF. I have never been so offended by anything in my entire life.

MIKE. Wow, I’m impressed. You went to see an indie film.

JEFF. I don’t care what nationality they are, they cannot make that kind of movie and not expect to offend people.

MIKE. You were bothered by the graphic sex?

JEFF. No, are you kidding? I was bored by the graphic sex. I’ve seen better sex on the playground behind my house.

MIKE. I think the point is that when the actors in this movie had sex, it was on film.

JEFF. Oh, mine was filmed.

MIKE. If the sex didn’t bother you, then what offended you about Shortbus?

JEFF. What offended me?!?!?

MIKE. Yes. That is the question.

JEFF. People cannot help the size of their bus!

MIKE. Wha--?

JEFF. You know, sometimes people live out in the country with only 2 or 3 other kids on their school bus route, growing up. So the school district sends one of the smaller buses to get them, because it saves gas.

MIKE. Okay.

JEFF. And kindergarteners always take a shorter bus. Does that mean they’re riding the short bus?

MIKE. Um…

JEFF. And what if you’re held back a year, so you’re still riding the kindergarten bus in the first grade? That doesn’t mean you’re on the short bus.

MIKE. I think it does.

JEFF. Y’know my uncle Jimmy was a school bus driver, and sometimes he drove the short bus. And he didn’t treat those kids any different than anyone else.

MIKE. I’m sure he didn’t.

JEFF. And so what if he gave me a ride to school sometimes on his way to work. That doesn’t mean anything.

MIKE. Right…

JEFF. It was on his way!

MIKE. I don’t think the movie Shortbus is about a short bus.

JEFF. No, but it’s implied.

MIKE. By what?

JEFF. By the title of the movie, Mike!

MIKE. Shortbus is a film about a bunch of sexually-promiscuous New Yorkers–

JEFF. That’s the other thing! They make these broad generalizations about people who ride the Shortbus. Like their sexuality. Or that they can’t get good jobs. But maybe they don’t want a better job. Did you ever think of that? Maybe they’re qualified to do other things, but they like working at the WalMart.

MIKE. WalMart?

JEFF. Frankly, I don’t care how Jessica Simpson gets to school in the morning, that does not make her a slut. Or stupid. Or maybe she is a slut, but it’s not because she rode the short bus. And if she’s so stupid, how did she get to be Employee of the Month?

MIKE. Hold on.

JEFF. You know a lot of really important people rode the short bus. President Bush. The guy who sings that SheBangSheBang song.

MIKE. Hold on!

JEFF. What?

MIKE. The movie you went to see was not Shortbus. It was Employee of the Month starring Jessica Simpson.

JEFF. Oh.

MIKE. Was there even a bus in the movie?

JEFF. …No.

MIKE. Then what made you think you were watching a movie called Shortbus?

JEFF. …Jessica Simpson was in it.

• October 6, 2006 - No Shame Los Angeles
  

  Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.

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