Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff:
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2006
JEFF. Have you heard about this new Shortbus movie?
MIKE. Thats the one where the actors supposedly have un-simulated sex on camera.
JEFF. I have never been so offended by anything in my entire life.
MIKE. Wow, Im impressed. You went to see an indie film.
JEFF. I dont care what nationality they are, they cannot make that kind of movie and not expect to offend people.
MIKE. You were bothered by the graphic sex?
JEFF. No, are you kidding? I was bored by the graphic sex. Ive seen better sex on the playground behind my house.
MIKE. I think the point is that when the actors in this movie had sex, it was on film.
JEFF. Oh, mine was filmed.
MIKE. If the sex didnt bother you, then what offended you about Shortbus?
JEFF. What offended me?!?!?
MIKE. Yes. That is the question.
JEFF. People cannot help the size of their bus!
JEFF. You know, sometimes people live out in the country with only 2 or 3 other kids on their school bus route, growing up. So the school district sends one of the smaller buses to get them, because it saves gas.
JEFF. And kindergarteners always take a shorter bus. Does that mean theyre riding the short bus?
JEFF. And what if youre held back a year, so youre still riding the kindergarten bus in the first grade? That doesnt mean youre on the short bus.
MIKE. I think it does.
JEFF. Yknow my uncle Jimmy was a school bus driver, and sometimes he drove the short bus. And he didnt treat those kids any different than anyone else.
MIKE. Im sure he didnt.
JEFF. And so what if he gave me a ride to school sometimes on his way to work. That doesnt mean anything.
JEFF. It was on his way!
MIKE. I dont think the movie Shortbus is about a short bus.
JEFF. No, but its implied.
MIKE. By what?
JEFF. By the title of the movie, Mike!
MIKE. Shortbus is a film about a bunch of sexually-promiscuous New Yorkers
JEFF. Thats the other thing! They make these broad generalizations about people who ride the Shortbus. Like their sexuality. Or that they cant get good jobs. But maybe they dont want a better job. Did you ever think of that? Maybe theyre qualified to do other things, but they like working at the WalMart.
JEFF. Frankly, I dont care how Jessica Simpson gets to school in the morning, that does not make her a slut. Or stupid. Or maybe she is a slut, but its not because she rode the short bus. And if shes so stupid, how did she get to be Employee of the Month?
MIKE. Hold on.
JEFF. You know a lot of really important people rode the short bus. President Bush. The guy who sings that SheBangSheBang song.
MIKE. Hold on!
MIKE. The movie you went to see was not Shortbus. It was Employee of the Month starring Jessica Simpson.
MIKE. Was there even a bus in the movie?
MIKE. Then what made you think you were watching a movie called Shortbus?
JEFF. Jessica Simpson was in it.
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Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.