JEFF. So I finally saw that Brokeback Mountain movie. And I don’t see what all the fuss is about.

MIKE. You didn’t like it?

JEFF. Like it? Are you kidding? I loved it! Best movie of the year. Maybe the Century.

MIKE. Really?

JEFF. That movie was better than all three of the new Star Wars movies combined. Plus Empire Strikes Back — which was a total ripoff anyway.

MIKE. You didn’t like Empire Strikes Back? But you liked Brokeback Mountain? I would not have expected that.

JEFF. Are you kidding? Empire had the worst screenplay in history. "I’m your father, Luke"? How could Darth Vader even have children if he didn’t get married until the 4^th movie?

MIKE. Ah, now it makes sense.

JEFF. Then you better explain it to me, because I don’t get it. It would have made much more sense if Darth Vader said he was R2D2’s father. Because they have the same head.

MIKE. R2D2 is a robot.

JEFF. Yeah. But he has his father’s eye. But maybe R2’s mother was one of those land speeders from the first movie. That would explain why he was on Tatooine. Looking for his birth parent.

MIKE. Okay, but you liked… and apparently understood Brokeback Mountain?

JEFF. Oh, yeah. That movie kicked ass! I don’t think you can even compare the two — Brokeback Mountain and Empire Strikes Back. Except they both have the word "Back" in them. And something you find on a map. And "Strikes" and "Broke" are kinda similar. They have K’s. And Jake Gyllillill-- Sounds like he could be from the squid planet. Gylllililllil! (whistles like R2D2).

MIKE. …Okay, but Brokeback Mountain.

JEFF. Oh! That movie kicked ass!

MIKE. But you don’t see what the fuss is about.

JEFF. (shrugs) Yeah, I don’t see what’s the big deal.

MIKE. But it kicked ass?

JEFF. Totally!!

MIKE. Do you see how these are two completely different reactions?

JEFF. I just don’t see why they’re saying it’s so controversial.

MIKE. You don’t?

JEFF. I mean, the two main guys are supposed to be gay, right?

MIKE. Yeah, I think they tried to imply that with the hot cowboy-on-cowboy sex scenes.

JEFF. Well, then, so what?

MIKE. I see. So you loved the movie, you just don’t understand what all the fuss is about.

JEFF. Isn’t that what I said?

MIKE. Yes, in fact it was. I apologize.

JEFF. I mean, come on! There’s two guys and they’re both gay. And they’re cowboys. They’re gay cowboys.

MIKE. Right.

JEFF. All right, then! Stuff happens. Who are we to judge?

MIKE. Well, some people don’t feel the same way about gay people that you do.

JEFF. Well, they should. It should be the norm.

MIKE. I dunno about that.

JEFF. And I’m not just saying it because they’re gay. They could be two gay guys or black guys or Asian-looking. It doesn’t matter. People are people. Stuff happens. You can’t go pointin’ fingers of blame just because what went down is kinda nasty-lookin’.

MIKE. (slightly confused) …Okay.

JEFF. It’s perfectly natural that if someone like that wants to walk down the street in public being gay or different - that someone else is gonna beat the crap out of them. What did they expect?

MIKE. …Oh shit–

JEFF. I mean, are we supposed to be shocked that someone got roughed up?

MIKE. Okay, I think we better stop this conversation before someone gets roughed up right here tonight.

JEFF. I mean, look, put yourself in their shoes.

MIKE. I’d probably better not.

JEFF. What if you were living in Wyoming. Or someplace in the Midwest or in America. And there was some… Jewish guy you felt like beating the crap out of. What would you want people to do? Try to stop you? Or try to help you out?

MIKE. (Long beat.) I’m Jewish.

JEFF. (Long beat.) Really?

MIKE. Yes.

JEFF. Why? Are you dating someone?

MIKE. No…

JEFF. You’re not going to get a circumcision are you?

MIKE. I’m already circumcised.

JEFF. Wow. She must be hot.

MIKE. I’ve always been Jewish.

JEFF. Since when?

MIKE. All along!

JEFF. The whole time we’ve been sitting here?

MIKE. As long as you’ve known me!

JEFF. Oh, please! You are not.

MIKE. Why is that so hard to believe?

JEFF. You act perfectly normal.

MIKE. I am perfectly normal.

JEFF. I thought you said you were Jewish?

MIKE. Jews are perfectly normal!

JEFF. (scoffs) Have you ever met one?

MIKE. Yes! I know many many many Jews.

JEFF. Wow. You’re serious about this. So, wait, so this whole time I’ve known you, you’ve been secretly Jewish?

MIKE. It’s not a secret! You’re just incredibly dense.

JEFF. (hurt) I’m just sayin’... You could have told me.

MIKE. I shouldn’t have to tell you. It shouldn’t matter!

JEFF. (backpedaling) Oh, it doesn’t matter. Not to me. Not at all. If that’s the way you want to be then I accept that. And it’s totally cool. And it doesn’t change anything. (beat) Does your family know?

MIKE. Yes! Of course they know!

JEFF. Good, that’s the best way. Hiding it just makes it worse when they find out.

MIKE. I can’t believe this is happening.

JEFF. When did you first realize you were… y’know…?

MIKE. When I was just a little boy, I used to sneak into my rabbi’s closet and try on his tallis.

JEFF. Really?

MIKE. No! I’ve always known! Since birth!

JEFF. Oh, well, that’s different. If you were born that way, you can’t help it. But y’know some people get it from hanging around too many Jews, and they get converted. And sometimes it’s just from bad parenting.

MIKE. I’m starting to wonder about your parenting.

JEFF. Oh, I know. I came this close to being raised mentally-handicapped. (Beat.) Don’t worry, Mike we’re going to get through this. We’re going to fix you.

MIKE. You know, now that you mention it, I am starting to feel like beating the crap out of someone.

JEFF. Good, that’s great! Get it out. You can’t keep this bottled up. (stands up and looks at the audience) So what do you like? We better start you off easy. I think I saw some women around here.

• February 10, 2006 - No Shame Los Angeles
  

  Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.

[Back to Library]