JEFF
I just saw that May-mo-irz of a Gay-ee-sha movie. What a ripoff!

MIKE
Memoirs.

JEFF
What?

MIKE
It’s Memoirs.

JEFF
What is?

MIKE
That’s how it’s pronounced. Memoirs. It’s French.

JEFF
Oh! Oh, I see. No, it’s Japanese.
If it was French, it would be pronounced: Goezhe.
But it’s not, it’s Japanese: Gay-ee-sha.

MIKE
But Memoirs is French.

JEFF
No, it’s Japanese, I saw it.
It was set in Japan, and there were all these Chinese people doing Oriental stuff and being all Japanese in Japan. It was totally Japanese. Or Chinese.
…Or Mexican. Maybe it was Mexican.

(to himself, in Speedy-Gonzaleze:) Me-mo-eers of a Geisha.

MIKE
It wasn’t Mexican.

JEFF
Well it was totally not a French movie.
Trust me, I know French movies when I see them.
Brokeback Mountain — that was French.

MIKE
It was not French!

JEFF
Two guys? Kissing in front of sheep? How is that not French?

MIKE
It takes place in Wyoming.

JEFF
Nuh uh. If it was Wyoming, the sheep would have been doing a lot more of kissing.

MIKE
Oh, Jesus.

JEFF
Besides, if it was set in Wyoming — Why did all the highway signs say "Welcome to Wymange"?

MIKE
It said Wyoming. Wymange is not French.

JEFF
And May-mo-irz is?

MIKE
Yes! Not the film. Just the word "memoirs" is French.

JEFF
That doesn’t even make sense! ‘Cause then the title of the film would be Memoirs…of a Geisha.

MIKE
Which it is!

JEFF
You can’t have a Geisha with Memoirs.

MIKE
Why not?

JEFF
Because, for a Japanese Geisha to have French memoirs — hypothetically - they would have to be imported. From France. And then they wouldn’t be her memoirs, they’d be somebody else’s that she bought a copy of. And then the movie would be called "Memoirs of Somebody From France That a Geisha Got a Copy Of." "…To Read."

And I saw the movie, and I never saw her go in a bookstore even once.
And besides, even if she did, how would she read it? She could barely speak English, let alone French.

MIKE
Okay — the word — all right, never mind — you know what? - I don’t care, it doesn’t matter.

JEFF
It does matter, because what if somebody heard you talking like this - and heard you say, "Hi, I just went to see, Memoirs of a Goezhe–"

MIKE
That’s not what I–

JEFF
You’d sound like an idiot–

MIKE
It takes one to know.

JEFF
--You might as well go up to a scientist and say, "I want to inspect your Nu-clé-errr weapons." No one would ever take you seriously.

MIKE
If no one takes me seriously, it’s because I hang out with you!

JEFF
…Yeoh.

MIKE
What?

JEFF
Michelle Yeoh. And if you hang out with her I would totally take you seriously.

MIKE
No, you! I hang out with you!

JEFF
See, now you look like an idiot again.

MIKE
I know!

JEFF
I’m just sayin’.

MIKE

(Long beat.) …I wish I could quit you.

JEFF
Yeah…
She’s kinda getting’ up there.

q.v. Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff