(JEFF is lying on the ground with his head hidden behind a box. A HUGE SPIDER crawls up on top of the box.)
Hey! Hey, you! Hey, No Shame! Yeah, you! Im talking to you. Hey! Hey, No Shame! Yeah, you, sittin right there. Hey!
...BOO! Ha ha ha! Oh God, that was PRICELESS!
Jesus Christ you shoulda SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE.
You were SCARED SHITLESS.
Youd think you woulda seen it comin, after all these weeks!
I tried to WARN you. But, NO, you wouldnt listen.
And now I TERRIFIED THE CRAP out of you.
Holy crap! You can smell the fear in this room!
Youre all SCARED SHITLESS! Ah ha ha ha ha!
(No, were not.)
What? Youre not scared? (thinks about it)
Well, thats because you BLOCKED IT OUT.
Ive driven you completely INSANE with FEAR
So now youre all CLINICALLY INSANE.
Look at you, just sitting there in STARK RAVING DENIAL.
Youre SCARED OUT OF YOUR MINDS.
Ive driven you past the brink of mind numbing terror.
And onto the brink of mind-numbing insanity.
Were on a whole nother brink here.
You heard of being INSANE WITH JEALOUSY? Well, youre insane with BEING PUSSIES!
Youre OUT OF YOUR MINDS with fear and terror.
Crazy, irrational, terror!
Somebody get these people some LITHIUM before they hurt themselves. Ah ha ha ha!
(Were not crazy.)
Now thats just CRAZY TALK!
Look at you, just sitting there. Youre practically CATATONIC with terror.
Youd be SHAKING IN YOUR BOOTS,
if you werent completely OUT OF YOUR MIND.
And if you had boots.
Except you over there! Yeah, you. YOUVE GOT BOOTS.
But the rest of you are SCARED BOOTLESS. Ah ha ha ha!
(Were not scared. Youre not a scary spider.)
Okay well Well, then, how do you explain BOO!
Ha ha ha ha! I got you again. Oh Jesus, thats priceless. This is too easy.
Yeah, YOU BETTER RUN!
Go on, run, you SCAREDY CHICKENS!
(Were not running.)
Then YOU BETTER SIT THERE.
Yeah, just sit there. And dont say anything.
OUT OF FEAR! Ah ha ha ha ha! Oh God, This is the best show ever!
(SPIDER looks down at JEFF)
Hey, you. Yeah, you. Down there. Hey! Hey!
You wanna get your hand outta my ass?
Sorry. Hand was cold.
BLACKOUTTHIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
First, I placed myself onstage with my head behind a black box which cast a complete shadow over my script, so I ended up hemming and hawing and vamping through a good deal of the script while trying to roll around and catch some rays of light. (To no avail.) The text above is the script, as written, which only loosely resembles the actual performance.
And although I'd arranged for Brian Anderson to give the "spontaneous" responses from the audience, someone else in the audience picked up on it and started talking back to Spider. They got about half the script right before Brian finally had to jump in.
Performed by Jeff Goode [spider], Brian Anderson, and other spontaneous audience member(s)