- November 4, 2005 - No Shame Los Angeles
Performed by Jeff Goode [spider], Brian Anderson, and other spontaneous audience member(s)
Spider Attack!!
(JEFF is lying on the ground with his head hidden behind a box. A HUGE SPIDER crawls up on top of the box.)
SPIDER
Hey! Hey, you! Hey, No Shame! Yeah, you! I’m talking to you. Hey! Hey, No Shame! Yeah, you, sittin’ right there. Hey!
AUDIENCE
(What?)
SPIDER
...BOO! Ha ha ha! Oh God, that was PRICELESS!
Jesus Christ you shoulda SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE.
You were SCARED SHITLESS.
You’d think you woulda seen it comin’, after all these weeks!
I tried to WARN you. But, NO, you wouldn’t listen.
And now I TERRIFIED THE CRAP out of you.
Holy crap! You can smell the fear in this room!
You’re all SCARED SHITLESS! Ah ha ha ha ha!
AUDIENCE
(No, we’re not.)
SPIDER
What? You’re not scared? … (thinks about it)
Well, that’s because you BLOCKED IT OUT.
I’ve driven you completely INSANE with FEAR
So now you’re all CLINICALLY INSANE.
Look at you, just sitting there in STARK RAVING DENIAL.
You’re SCARED OUT OF YOUR MINDS.
I’ve driven you past the brink of mind numbing terror.
And onto the brink of mind-numbing insanity.
We’re on a whole ‘nother brink here.
You heard of being INSANE WITH JEALOUSY? Well, you’re insane with BEING PUSSIES!
You’re OUT OF YOUR MINDS with fear and terror.
Crazy, irrational, terror!
Somebody get these people some LITHIUM before they hurt themselves. Ah ha ha ha!
AUDIENCE
(We’re not crazy.)
SPIDER
Now that’s just CRAZY TALK!
Look at you, just sitting there. You’re practically CATATONIC with terror.
You’d be SHAKING IN YOUR BOOTS,
if you weren’t completely OUT OF YOUR MIND.
And if you had boots.
Except you over there! Yeah, you. YOU’VE GOT BOOTS.
But the rest of you are SCARED BOOTLESS. Ah ha ha ha!
AUDIENCE
(We’re not scared. You’re not a scary spider.)
SPIDER
I’m not?
AUDIENCE
(No.)
SPIDER
Okay… well… Well, then, how do you explain… BOO!
Ha ha ha ha! I got you again. Oh Jesus, that’s priceless. This is too easy.
Yeah, YOU BETTER RUN!
Go on, run, you SCAREDY CHICKENS!
AUDIENCE
(We’re not running.)
SPIDER
Then YOU BETTER SIT THERE.
Yeah, just sit there. And don’t say anything.
…OUT OF FEAR! Ah ha ha ha ha! Oh God, This is the best show ever!
(SPIDER looks down at JEFF)
Hey, you. Yeah, you. Down there. Hey! Hey!
JEFF
(sheepishly) What?
SPIDER
You wanna get your hand outta my ass?
JEFF
Sorry. Hand was cold.
BLACKOUT
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHORFirst, I placed myself onstage with my head behind a black box which cast a complete shadow over my script, so I ended up hemming and hawing and vamping through a good deal of the script while trying to roll around and catch some rays of light. (To no avail.) The text above is the script, as written, which only loosely resembles the actual performance.
And although I'd arranged for Brian Anderson to give the "spontaneous" responses from the audience, someone else in the audience picked up on it and started talking back to Spider. They got about half the script right before Brian finally had to jump in.
Performed by Jeff Goode [spider], Brian Anderson, and other spontaneous audience member(s)
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