Intelligent Design Flaw
by Jeff Goode
(Lights up on PEPE, a scientist.)
Tonight, Id like to talk a little bit about Intelligent Design.
This is the theory and maybe youve heard of it a hypothesis really that Life is too complicated to be the result of a happy accident. And that it was - in fact in theory created by some supernatural Im not saying God. Probably not God. But, lets face it, "god-like" intelligence.
An "Intelligent Designer", if you will, who - like God though not necessarily God per se set the creative wheels in motion which have resulted, ultimately, in the universe that we have today, take it or leave it.
That being the case, I think its safe to say that a case could be made for saying that there is, in fact, only one logical conclusion to the debate over Intelligent Design and that is as follows, to wit:
There is an Intelligent Designer.
And no, its not God. Or Zeus. Or Jupiter. Or whatever you want to call him.
Its me. Pepe.
Now, I know what youre thinking because I designed you; and you operate on a very basic binary logic processor Youre thinking: If Im God, how come youve never heard of me?
Well, first of all, I told you, Im not God. Im Pepe.
Theres no such thing as God, thats just something you guys made up.
I dont know where that came from.
Well, actually, I do know where that came from, but, dude, seriously, you gotta stop smoking every little weed I put in your back yard.
Some of that stuff is for the cows.
So, Im not God. Im Pepe.
And Im not some big religious wackadoo.
Im just a regular guy, just like you, who was fuckin around in the lab one day.
Tryin to invent porn.
And one thing led to another.
And, well, here you are and there you have it.
Now, I know what youre thinking because, again, I designed you
Youre thinking: "Pornography!!"
Now, you see, thats a glitch.
Thats a design flaw, but its very easy to fix.
All you need is a sex change.
Now those of you who dont have the glitch, I know what youre thinking as well.
Youre thinking: "Pornography!!
What does creating the Universe have to do with Pornography??!"
Well, you see, its very simple.
If you want to make Porn,
Youre gonna need 2 kinds of monkeys.
You need one kind to run the cameras.
And another kind to stand in front of the cameras and shake their titties.
But I thought what you really need is a super-race of dual-purpose-monkeys
Half of em with titties
And half of em with opposable thumbs and an obsessive fascination with electronic devices.
So you need these monkeys.
But first you need an egg for the monkey to come out of.
Which means you need chickens.
And then youre going to need a place to keep all these big chickens.
A big place.
And round, so they dont walk off the edge.
So you need planets, but first you need a place to keep the planets.
And some light so you can see the planets.
Otherwise you have to remember which planet you left the monkeys on
cause, trust me, you aint gettin pornography out of the stuff I keep on Mercury.
Thats just for storage.
So, monkeys, planets, lights, storage, storage for the lights.
And so on and so on and yadda yadda yadda and boom. I created the Universe.
Intelligent Design in a nutshell.
Now, where you run into problems is
when the monkeys themselves achieved intelligence.
In fact, many of my colleagues said, "Oh, Pepe, thats gonna backfire on you."
But its unavoidable, because some sort of rudimentary intelligence is a necessary part of the equation.
Because you gotta be intelligent if youre going to design a working camera out of rocks and fire.
So I had allowed for a certain degree of collateral intelligence in the original design specs.
What I didnt expect was that some of the monkeys
Would themselves become creative
And start making up stories about how the Earth was created
And how there was this giant turtle who sent down rains
And evaporated the wicked from the Garden of blah blah blah
And then they started getting in fights with each other over whose story was better.
Naturally, I never said anything about it, because,
Well, Im not doing this for me. Im doing it for the Porn.
And as a general rule,
The religious monkeys arent the ones designing the cameras.
So it really didnt concern me.
As long as the cameras get built, I dont care if you believe the Universe was created by a self-hating Jew who sent his asexual son Jesus to die on a cross so that his followers would know its okay to kill Jews and gays. While having sex with altar boys.
Whatever floats your kayak. Just get the cameras finished on schedule. And Im happy.
Now, I know what youre thinking - because, again, binary chip.
Youre thinking: After all this time, why am I telling you all this now?
Well, because now weve got the cameras.
Its taken a few hundred thousand years more than I thought, but we got the cameras.
So its time to make the porn.
Except now I look around and only about half of you are making porn.
And its the half that has the digital cameras. - You know who you are. -
And if I just wanted close ups of somebodys penis, I wouldntve had to create a whole planet. We got guys back at the lab wholl do it for 10 bucks.
So this is a problem.
Plus, now, I got all these people over at the school board arguing about God and the design process.
And they want to teach this stuff in high schools, which is where all the best Porn stars come from.
And theres a few others who are trying to shut down the handful of people actually making porn because the God from their storybooks doesnt like Porn! - Even though hes everywhere and sees everything and is obviously a major voyeur.
So its time I came forward settled this once and for all:
Designer, yes. Intelligent, I like to think so.
But my name is Pepe.
And you dont need to thank me for creating you.
The porn you make is thanks enough.
So lets get to it.
I need half of you to grab your cameras
And half of you to take off your tops.
And if you dont know which half you are.
Well, youre the tops.
All right, quiet on the set.
Were rolling. And ACTION!!
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Performed by Jeff Goode