copyright © 2005 Jeff Goode

Intelligent Design Flaw

(ver. 2.0)

by Jeff Goode

(Lights up on PEPE, a scientist.)

Tonight, I’d like to talk a little bit about Intelligent Design.

This is the theory — and maybe you’ve heard of it — a hypothesis really — that Life is too complicated to be the result of a happy accident. And that it was - in fact — in theory — created by some supernatural… I’m not saying God. Probably not God. But, let’s face it, "god-like" intelligence.

An "Intelligent Designer", if you will, who - like God — though not necessarily God per se — set the creative wheels in motion which have resulted, ultimately, in the universe that we have today, take it or leave it.

That being the case, I think it’s safe to say that a case could be made for saying that there is, in fact, only one logical conclusion to the debate over Intelligent Design and that is as follows, to wit:

There is an Intelligent Designer.
And no, it’s not God. Or Zeus. Or Jupiter. Or whatever you want to call him.
It’s me. Pepe.

Now, I know what you’re thinking — because I designed you; and you operate on a very basic binary logic processor — You’re thinking: If I’m God, how come you’ve never heard of me?

Well, first of all, I told you, I’m not God. I’m Pepe.
There’s no such thing as God, that’s just something you guys made up.
I don’t know where that came from.
Well, actually, I do know where that came from, but, dude, seriously, you gotta stop smoking every little weed I put in your back yard.
Some of that stuff is for the cows.

So, I’m not God. I’m Pepe.
And I’m not some big religious wackadoo.
I’m just a regular guy, just like you, who was fuckin’ around in the lab one day.
Tryin’ to invent porn.
And one thing led to another.
And, well, here you are — and there you have it.

Now, I know what you’re thinking — because, again, I designed you —
You’re thinking: "Pornography!!"

Now, you see, that’s a glitch.
That’s a design flaw, but it’s very easy to fix.
All you need is a sex change.
Now those of you who don’t have the glitch, I know what you’re thinking as well.
You’re thinking: "Pornography!!
What does creating the Universe have to do with Pornography??!"

Well, you see, it’s very simple.
If you want to make Porn,
You’re gonna need 2 kinds of monkeys.
You need one kind to run the cameras.
And another kind to stand in front of the cameras and shake their titties.
But I thought what you really need is a super-race of dual-purpose-monkeys
Half of ‘em with titties
And half of ‘em with opposable thumbs and an obsessive fascination with electronic devices.

So you need these monkeys.
But first you need an egg for the monkey to come out of.
Which means you need chickens.
Big chickens.
And then you’re going to need a place to keep all these big chickens.
A big place.
And round, so they don’t walk off the edge.
So you need planets, but first you need a place to keep the planets.
And some light so you can see the planets.
Otherwise you have to remember which planet you left the monkeys on —
‘cause, trust me, you ain’t gettin’ pornography out of the stuff I keep on Mercury.
That’s just for storage.

So, monkeys, planets, lights, storage, storage for the lights.
And so on and so on and yadda yadda yadda and boom. I created the Universe.
Intelligent Design in a nutshell.

Now, where you run into problems is
when the monkeys themselves achieved intelligence.
In fact, many of my colleagues said, "Oh, Pepe, that’s gonna backfire on you."
But it’s unavoidable, because some sort of rudimentary intelligence is a necessary part of the equation.
Because you gotta be intelligent if you’re going to design a working camera out of rocks and fire.
So I had allowed for a certain degree of collateral intelligence in the original design specs.

What I didn’t expect was that some of the monkeys
Would themselves become creative
And start making up stories about how the Earth was created
And how there was this giant turtle who sent down rains
And evaporated the wicked from the Garden of blah blah blah
And then they started getting in fights with each other over whose story was better.

Naturally, I never said anything about it, because,
Well, I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing it for the Porn.
And as a general rule,
The religious monkeys aren’t the ones designing the cameras.
So it really didn’t concern me.

As long as the cameras get built, I don’t care if you believe the Universe was created by a self-hating Jew who sent his asexual son Jesus to die on a cross so that his followers would know it’s okay to kill Jews and gays. While having sex with altar boys.
Whatever floats your kayak. Just get the cameras finished on schedule. And I’m happy.

Now, I know what you’re thinking - because, again, binary chip.
You’re thinking: After all this time, why am I telling you all this now?

Well, because now we’ve got the cameras.
It’s taken a few hundred thousand years more than I thought, but we got the cameras.
So it’s time to make the porn.
Except now I look around and only about half of you are making porn.
And it’s the half that has the digital cameras. - You know who you are. -
And if I just wanted close ups of somebody’s penis, I wouldn’t’ve had to create a whole planet. We got guys back at the lab who’ll do it for 10 bucks.
So this is a problem.

Plus, now, I got all these people over at the school board arguing about God and the design process.
And they want to teach this stuff in high schools, which is where all the best Porn stars come from.

And there’s a few others who are trying to shut down the handful of people actually making porn because the God from their storybooks doesn’t like Porn! - Even though he’s everywhere and sees everything and is obviously a major voyeur.

So it’s time I came forward settled this once and for all:

So… Designer, yes. Intelligent, I like to think so.
But my name is Pepe.
And you don’t need to thank me for creating you.
The porn you make is thanks enough.
So let’s get to it.
I need half of you to grab your cameras
And half of you to take off your tops.
And if you don’t know which half you are.
Well, you’re the tops.
All right, quiet on the set.
We’re rolling. And… ACTION!!



I'm not entirely certain that Intelligent Design Flaw and Intelligent Design Flaw, part II are actually parts of the same piece because the character's point of view changes significantly between the two monologues. But both were originally written on the same day, and with the same characterization (nerdy scientist) in mind.

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