Spider’s Back!!

by Spider the No Shame Spider

(Two people standing side by side. A HUGE SPIDER crawls in from stage left.)

SPIDER

Hey! Hey, you! Hey, buddy!

VICTIM

What?

SPIDER

(pause.) Boo! Ha ha ha! You shoulda seen the look on your face! You were scared shitless!!

VICTIM (calm)

No, I wasn’t.

SPIDER

Sure you were. You were scared out of your freakin’ mind.

VICTIM (calm)

No. I wasn’t.

SPIDER

(Beat) Oh. Oh, okay. Oh, I get it. You want to look cool in front of your new boyfriend. You don’t want to look like a big fraidy cat.

VICTIM

This is not my boyfriend.

SPIDER

Oh! And now you don’t want to look gay in front of the whole audience. Well, admit it, you’re gay and you’re afraid to admit it!

VICTIM

I am gay!

SPIDER

Denial!! You’re not foolin’ anyone! You’re not gay and you are scared shitless. You’re scared straight and it’s all because of me. (to the Audience) And next week I’m gonna turn all of you straight! And there’s nothing you can do about it! Ah ha ha ha ha!

VICTIM

They are straight! You’re not a scary spider.

SPIDER

You say that now! But wait until you’re all gay and shitless! Ha ha ha ha!

(Spider exits.)

VICTIM

You see that?

(other guy nods.)

I told you something like this would happen if you didn’t get your hand out of my ass.

(Jeff removes his hand from Victim’s ass.)

JEFF

Sorry. …Hand was cold.