by Spider the No Shame Spider
(Two people standing side by side. A HUGE SPIDER crawls up on one of their shoulders.)
Hey! Hey! Hey, Vic!
(pause.) Boo! Ha ha ha! You shoulda seen the look on your face! You were scared shitless!!
No, Im wasnt.
(Beat. Spider, embarrassed.)
No, maybe not now. Because you were expecting it. But wait till next week!
Whats next week?
Wouldnt you like to know? I bet the anticipation is killing you! I bet youre just dying to find out!!
All right, Ill tell you!
Next week is one week from the Friday before HALLOWEEN!! Ah ha ha ha!!
What happens on Halloween?
Nothing! Thats the whole idea! You EXPECT me to scare you on Halloween, so Im not going to scare you at all. But youd never expect me to scare you three days before Halloween!
I kinda expect it now that you told me thats what youre going to do.
Well Sure You expect it in this piece. In the spider piece. But one week from next week, Ill be in EVERY PIECE. Ill be everywhere. Ill be in Sinclaires hair! Ill be in Rothschilds pants. In two weeks, Ill be your worst nightmare!!
Actually, something hairy with eight legs coming out of Rothschilds pants is already my worst nightmare.
You laugh now! But in two weeks Ill have you screaming! Screaming! And theres nothing you can do to stop me! Nothing!! Im unstoppable!
(Victim swats the Spider. It falls dead. Other fellow notices it for the first time.)
You see that?
(other guy nods.)
Theres more where that came from if you dont get your hand out of my ass!
(Jeff removes his hand from Victims ass.)
Sorry. Hand was cold.
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