- October 7, 2005 - No Shame Los Angeles
Directed by Nic de Armendi
Our Nation’s National Parks
by Jeff Goode
NARRATOR
As you know, our friend Jeff could not be here tonight, because he is on a tour of our nation’s national parks. But he has sent us a No Shame "postcard" so that all of you can experience his adventures firsthand, through the magic of theatre.
(Enter "Jeff", hiking in place.)
NARRATOR (reading from postcard):
"Dear No Shame... Hello from Grand Canyon National Park!"
JEFF (looking down)
GOD DAMN that’s a big hole!
NARRATOR
"Today I hiked along the Rim Trail."
JEFF (aside to the audience)
*Not* what it sounds like.
NARRATOR
"I hiked for 2 whole miles."
JEFF (wiping away sweat)
Jesus Christ.
NARRATOR
"That’s nearly two THOUSAND times the distance from the front door of my apartment to place where I park my car."
JEFF
Boy, am I hungry. One ham and cheese sandwich, please!
(Enter a Crow.)
CROW
Heh heh. I’m a big black bird. Betcha don’t know what kind.
JEFF
Are you a crow?
CROW
Do I look like a crow to you, asshole? I’m a raven!
JEFF
Sorry.
CROW
Are you gonna eat that sandwich?
JEFF
I just hiked 2 miles.
CROW
What are you gonna do with that plastic wrapper? You’re not gonna throw it on the ground, are you?
JEFF
No…
CROW
There’s a trash can right behind you.
JEFF
I’ll put the plastic wrapper in the trash can, and protect the environment.
CROW
I’ll watch your sandwich for you.
JEFF
Okay.
CROW
Chomp!
JEFF
Hey!
CROW
Heh heh. Don’t feed the animals, mother fucker!
(Exit Crow. Jeff continues hiking.)
NARRATOR
"Dear No Shame. Hello! Today I visited the Petrified Forest.
All of the nature there was dead.
And it was trees."
JEFF (looks around)
That’s weird.
(Enter Pterodactyl — same actor as Crow)
PTERODACTYL
Heh heh. I’m some kind of winged reptile.
JEFF
There’s no pterodactyl’s in the Petrified Forest.
PTERODACTYL
Are you sure?
JEFF
Yes!
PTERODACTYL
You talk pretty big for a guy drivin’ a white car.
(Beat. Jeff figures it out.)
JEFF
You better not poop on my car!
PTERODACTYL
Heh heh. Already did.
JEFF
Damn it!
(Exit Pterodactyl. Jeff continues hiking.)
NARRATOR
"Dear No Shame… Hello!
Next I went to Saguaro National Park."
JEFF
"Saguaro" means "Cactus".
(Enter a Quail — same actor)
QUAIL
Heh heh. I’m a little walkin’ bird. Just walkin’ around the desert. You don’t know what kind, though. Maybe I’m an ostrich.
JEFF
You look like a quail.
QUAIL
You want to go back to your cityfriends and tell ‘em you got your ass handed to you by a quail?!?
JEFF
You could be an ostrich.
QUAIL
Damn right I could be! Heh heh.
(Exit Quail.)
NARRATOR
Come back next week when Jeff visits Joshua Tree National Park!
JEFF
What the heck is a Joshua Tree? No, seriously, what is it? I’m lookin’ right at it, and I have no idea.
(Enter Desert Bee — same actor)
DESERT BEE
Heh heh. I’m a killer bee. Hangin’ out by the Joshau Tree. Let your guard down for one minute and I will suck the nectar right out of you.
JEFF
There’s no bees in the desert. …Are there?
DESERT BEE
You want to take that chance? Huh? Do ya?!
JEFF
You suck, nature.
DESERT BEE
Stay out of my habitat, city boy!!
JEFF & DESERT BEE (turn to audience and wave)
Bye for now!!
BLACKOUT
Directed by Nic de Armendi
Library]
