Our friend Jeff could not be with us tonight, because he is on a tour of our national parks. But he has sent us a No Shame "postcard" so that all of you can experience his adventures firsthand, through the magic of theatre.
(Enter "Jeff", hiking in place.)
NARRATOR (reading from postcard):
"Dear No Shame... Hello! Today, I am in Sequoia National Park in California.
There is only one way to describe these magnificent giants:
JEFF (looking up:)
GOD DAMN, those are big trees. They're fucking huge!
(Enter a Badger)
Heh heh. I'm a badger!
Or maybe I'm a beaver.
You don't know, do ya?
You look like a badger to me.
Heh heh. Sucker!
(Badger exits. Jeff resumes hiking in place)
Dear No Shame. Hello!
Next, I visited Death Valley, California, the hottest place in the world!
JEFF (wiping away sweat)
DAMN, it's hot! It's fucking hot here!
(Enter Lizard - same actor as the Badger)
Heh heh. I'm a little lizard. A little rock lizard.
Bet you thought I was a rattle snake.
I did not!
(Lizard exits. Jeff resumes hiking.)
Dear No Shame... Hello, from the Hoover Dam!
Words escape me.
Well... one word:
JEFF (looking down)
DAMN! (beat) ...DAMN!!
Come back next week for more exciting vicarious adventures in our national parks, when Jeff visits the Grand Canyon.
JEFF (looking down - into the audience)
(Enter Wildcat - same as Badger)
Heh heh. I'm a mountain lion. Grrr...
Psyche! I'm just somebody's cat. Heh heh.
JEFF (to Wildcat)
You suck, nature!
Stay outta my habitat, city boy!
JEFF & WILDCAT (turn to audience and wave)
Bye for now!!
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Andy Lurie, Paul Green, Brian Anderson