Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2005
(JEFF & MIKE, SITTINGLIGHTS UP!)
JEFF. Oh, hi.
MIKE. Yeah, hi. Whats so funny?
JEFF. Nothing. (giggles) Hey, you know what?
JEFF. I finally saw that movie, Cinderella, Man. (giggles)
MIKE. You "finally" saw it? It just came out today.
JEFF. No shit? It came out today?? Dude, I totally thought that was, like, an old movie from, like, the 50s.
MIKE. Well, thats understandable, considering the movie is set in 1935. And you dont know the difference between the 30s and the 50s.
JEFF. (Beat, offended.) Fifties have Ben Franklins face on em.
MIKE. (Beat.) And whose face is on the 30?
JEFF. Thats a trick question!
MIKE. Uh huh.
JEFF. Thirties have a dog.
(Jeff hands Mike a 30 dollar bill.)
Where did you get this?
JEFF. I made em. Its like a 20, only you get 10 bucks back. And it has a dog.
MIKE. Oh, Jesus.
JEFF. So, Cinderella, man, why do you think they set it in 1935? Doesnt it work better as a medieval, like---
MIKE. I think they did it because the movie is based on actual events, which actually took place in the 30s, so the film makers decided to set it in that period just to fuck with you.
JEFF. No shit? So that was a true story?
JEFF. And all that crazy stuff actually happened to somebody, man?
MIKE. Yeah. Wacky.
JEFF. Well, in that case that movie was awesome.
MIKE. You like it now that its based on a true story.
JEFF. Oh yeah! I mean, no, it was great before. But, now? I mean, wow, Cinderella, Man! Im a total sucker for that kinda wish-fulfillment, dream-come-true crap. Especially if its true. Like Titanic. I hated that movie until I found out it was a true story and they really did kill Leonardo DiCaprio. (giggles)
MIKE. Are you stoned?
JEFF. Hey, I resent that! How do you know my Grandmother doesnt have glaucoma, and she needs me to come over to her house and and test her stash for her.
MIKE. You told me your Grandmother was dead.
JEFF. And she has glaucoma. But thats beside the point, man. I can totally appreciate a movie even if Im as high as a stone at the time.
MIKE. Really? What was it about then?
JEFF. (Beat, he doesnt know.) Regardless of whether I remember anything about the movie, I totally appreciated that the the star of the film was HOT.
MIKE. You thought Russell Crowe was hot?
JEFF. No, not Russell Crowe! Was he even in the movie?
MIKE. Hes the star of the film.
JEFF. I beg to differ.
MIKE. Please do.
JEFF. The star of the film is obviously that whats-her-name. Who is the girl? The blonde girl?
MIKE. Renee Zellweger?
JEFF. Is hot. And is obviously the star of the film. Mark my words, someday she is gonna be huuuge, man.
MIKE. And I assume youre not just talking about Bridget Joness Diary.
JEFF. Oh, no, that girl was huge in a fat way.
MIKE. Its the same girl.
JEFF. The fat chick from Bridget Joness Diary?
MIKE. Is Renee Zellweger.
JEFF. Oh, thats not who I was thinking of.
MIKE. Yes, it is!
JEFF. What else has she been in?
MIKE. She was in Cinderella Man!
JEFF. No, I would have remembered that.
MIKE. And you did. You just said you thought she was the star of the film.
JEFF. No, shes not the star.
MIKE. No, because Russell Crowe is the star.
JEFF. I told you he wasnt even in it. Unless he was one of the mice.
MIKE. What mice?
JEFF. The dancing mice.
MIKE. There are no dancing Mice in Cinderella Man.
JEFF. So I imagined them?
MIKE. I think the medical term is hallucinated.
JEFF. What about the horse that turns into a pumpkin. Did I hallucinate him? Cuz if I did, I gotta start writing this stuff down.
MIKE. A horse that turns into a pumpkin?
JEFF. At the Princes Ball. While theyre dancing.
MIKE. Theres no dancing. Its a movie about boxing.
JEFF. I think the one dancing mouse tries to punch the other dancing mouse in the nose, but I wouldnt call that boxing. None of the human characters boxes.
MIKE. They were all human characters.
JEFF. Wait, was Russell Crowe the guy with the glass slipper?
MIKE. Theres no glass slipper in Cinderella Man.
JEFF. Did I make that up, too? (writing it down on his hand) Man, this stuff is box office gold. Glass slipper... Pumpkin horse...
MIKE. Hold it! Did you see Cinderella?
JEFF. Yeah, man! Cinderella, man!
MIKE. But you didnt see Cinderella Man
JEFF. Yeah, I did!
MIKE. No, you saw Cinderella!
JEFF. Man, I told you I saw Cinderella.
MIKE. No, you said you saw Cinderella Man.
JEFF. I did! I saw Cinderella, man.
MIKE. Oh great Christ in heaven.
JEFF. No, I swear! I saw Cinderella, man. What? What??
(BLACKOUT) THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.