copyright © 2005

MIKE. What?

JEFF. Oh, hi.

MIKE. Yeah, hi. What’s so funny?

JEFF. Nothing. (giggles) Hey, you know what?

MIKE. What?!

JEFF. I finally saw that movie, Cinderella, Man. (giggles)

MIKE. You "finally" saw it? It just came out today.

JEFF. No shit? It came out today?? Dude, I totally thought that was, like, an old movie from, like, the ‘50s.

MIKE. Well, that’s understandable, considering the movie is set in 1935. And you don’t know the difference between the 30s and the 50s.

JEFF. (Beat, offended.) Fifties have Ben Franklin’s face on ‘em.

MIKE. (Beat.) And whose face is on the 30?

JEFF. That’s a trick question!

MIKE. Uh huh.

JEFF. Thirties have a dog.

MIKE. What???

Where did you get this?

JEFF. I made ‘em. It’s like a 20, only you get 10 bucks back. And it has a dog.

MIKE. Oh, Jesus.

JEFF. So, Cinderella, man, why do you think they set it in 1935? Doesn’t it work better as a medieval, like---

MIKE. I think they did it because the movie is based on actual events, which actually took place in the 30’s, so the film makers decided to set it in that period… just to fuck with you.

JEFF. No shit? So that was a true story?

MIKE. Yes.

JEFF. And all that crazy stuff actually happened to somebody, man?

MIKE. Yeah. Wacky.

JEFF. Well, in that case that movie was awesome.

MIKE. You like it now that it’s based on a true story.

JEFF. Oh yeah! I mean, no, it was great before. But, now? I mean, wow, Cinderella, Man! I’m a total sucker for that kinda wish-fulfillment, dream-come-true crap. Especially if it’s true. Like Titanic. I hated that movie until I found out it was a true story and they really did kill Leonardo DiCaprio. (giggles)

MIKE. Are you stoned?

JEFF. Hey, I resent that! How do you know my Grandmother doesn’t have glaucoma, and she needs me to come over to her house and… and test her stash for her.

MIKE. You told me your Grandmother was dead.

JEFF. And she has glaucoma. But that’s beside the point, man. I can totally appreciate a movie even if I’m as high as a stone at the time.

MIKE. Really? What was it about then?

JEFF. (Beat, he doesn’t know.) Regardless of whether I remember anything about the movie, I totally appreciated that the the star of the film… was HOT.

MIKE. You thought Russell Crowe was hot?

JEFF. No, not Russell Crowe! Was he even in the movie?

MIKE. He’s the star of the film.

JEFF. I beg to differ.

MIKE. Please do.

JEFF. The star of the film is obviously that what’s-her-name. Who is the girl? The blonde girl?

MIKE. Renee Zellweger?

JEFF. …Is hot. And is obviously the star of the film. Mark my words, someday she is gonna be huuuge, man.

MIKE. And I assume you’re not just talking about Bridget Jones’s Diary.

JEFF. Oh, no, that girl was huge in a fat way.

MIKE. It’s the same girl.

JEFF. The fat chick from Bridget Jones’s Diary?

MIKE. …Is Renee Zellweger.

JEFF. Oh, that’s not who I was thinking of.

MIKE. Yes, it is!

JEFF. What else has she been in?

MIKE. She was in Cinderella Man!

JEFF. No, I would have remembered that.

MIKE. And you did. You just said you thought she was the star of the film.

JEFF. No, she’s not the star.

MIKE. No, because Russell Crowe is the star.

JEFF. I told you he wasn’t even in it. Unless he was one of the mice.

MIKE. What mice?

JEFF. The dancing mice.

MIKE. There are no dancing Mice in Cinderella Man.

JEFF. So I imagined them?

MIKE. I think the medical term is hallucinated.

JEFF. What about the horse that turns into a pumpkin. Did I hallucinate him? Cuz if I did, I gotta start writing this stuff down.

MIKE. A horse that turns into a pumpkin?

JEFF. At the Prince’s Ball. While they’re dancing.

MIKE. There’s no dancing. It’s a movie about boxing.

JEFF. I think the one dancing mouse tries to punch the other dancing mouse in the nose, but I wouldn’t call that boxing. None of the human characters boxes.

MIKE. They were all human characters.

JEFF. Wait, was Russell Crowe the guy with the glass slipper?

MIKE. There’s no glass slipper in Cinderella Man.

JEFF. Did I make that up, too? (writing it down on his hand) Man, this stuff is box office gold. Glass slipper... Pumpkin horse...

MIKE. Hold it! Did you see Cinderella?

JEFF. Yeah, man! Cinderella, man!

MIKE. But you didn’t see Cinderella Man–

JEFF. Yeah, I did!

MIKE. No, you saw Cinderella!

JEFF. Man, I told you I saw Cinderella.

MIKE. No, you said you saw Cinderella Man.

JEFF. I did! I saw Cinderella, man.

MIKE. Oh great Christ in heaven.

JEFF. No, I swear! I saw Cinderella, man. …What? What??

q.v. Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff