copyright © 2005 Jeff Goode

Restraining Order by Jeff Goode


I never thought of this before, but what if she’s just kidding?

I mean, I never thought of her as one of those Laugh-a-minute jokey girls.

But that’s because she’s so dry.

She’s like, everything she says is so deadly serious

Like she says, "You’re an asshole"

And if you don’t know her - if you didn’t know her sense of humor.

You’d be like, she seems really angry.

I think she really wants to cut that guys balls off.

But really, it’s just, that dry, like Clint Eastwood humor.

"You’re a piece of shit" (laughs) But not literally. Obviously.

That’s just a joke!

…If that’s what it is.

So, like, this whole thing with the restraining order…

Oh my God. What if she’s just been kidding this whole time?

And this is all a huge misunderstanding on my part!

And I’m in my head going — What if she doesn’t like me? But I still love her. But she says she can’t stand me! What am I gonna do?

But she’s secretly like — "No, you stupid fucker. I’m kidding when I say all that stuff and call you a cock sucker."

I mean, obviously, she’s never seen me suck a cock. So how would she know?

It’s a figure of speech. She’s being facetious.

God, I’m such an idiot!

But she should really play professional poker.

Because she totally keeps a straight face through all of the legal proceedings.

"Yes, your honor." "No, your honor." "Ask him, your honor."

She is so cute when she does that.

I always loved that little frown.

She’s all "Yes your honor" "No, your honor" trying to be all angry.

Maybe that’s why the Judge looks at me like I’m the one who’s crazy when I tell him that even after all this I still love her.

That’s what it is. That’s so funny.

God this is so embarrassing.

When I think of all the trouble I’ve caused. With the police and the helicopters.

And the Judge takes one look at her and he’s like, thinking: "Yeah, right!

Like she’s really going to break into your house

and beat you unconscious with a tire iron

and cut off your balls and feed them to your cat

and club you to death

and set your house on fire.

Just like she said she would. In all those letters."

God, I feel so stupid!

I’m going to call my lawyer. I’ve got to do something about this.

I just hope she still has a sense of humor and won’t be mad at me when they let her out.


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