Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff
"The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
by Jeff Goode
JEFF. I saw that Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy today. I cant wait till they come out with the book. I would totally buy a copy.
MIKE. They already did come out with a book.
JEFF. What? When did this happen?!
MIKE. Yes, it was published in 1979.
JEFF. Aw, man! So now I have to go back in time if I want to buy a copy of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy?
MIKE. No, you have to go to a bookstore.
JEFF. In 1979?
MIKE. No, today.
JEFF. They have it in bookstores today?
JEFF. Then why are you telling me to go back to 1979? You know I dont have a time machine.
MIKE. Yes, as youve reminded me many times. Especially when I ask you to go to Wendys Old Fashioned Hamburgers.
JEFF. You gotta get there before they put the fingers in the chili.
MIKE. There are no fingers in the chili. It was a hoax.
JEFF. Thats what they said about the death of Elvis. But where is he now?
MIKE. Hes in Memphis, dead. Hes buried at Graceland. It wasnt a hoax.
JEFF. I guess well never know for sure. But thats why I gotta get out of here. Theres just too much crazy shit going on around here lately. I just heard they found Hitlers uterus and made him Pope.
MIKE. Hitler Youth, is what you heard.
JEFF. See? I cant have that around me right now.
MIKE. Where exactly do you think youre going to go that the Pope wont be Pope?
JEFF. Well, first Im going to the bookstore. To get a copy of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
JEFF. And then Im going there.
MIKE. To the bookstore?
JEFF. To the Galaxy!
MIKE. Okay, stop.
JEFF. Ive always wanted to go. Ever since I first heard about it, when I was a little kid.
MIKE. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is not a real book.
JEFF. Its not?
MIKE. Its fiction.
JEFF. Its a fictional book?
JEFF. So you just made that up about it being available in bookstores.
MIKE. No, its really in bookstores.
JEFF. Fictional bookstores?
MIKE. No, its in real bookstores. In the fiction section.
JEFF. So its a real book in real bookstores, but the section its in doesnt exist?
MIKE. No, it does exist. Its called the fiction section.
JEFF. Because the books dont exist?
MIKE. No, the books are real, the bookstores are real. Its just The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy that isnt real.
JEFF. So I made it up?
MIKE. No, Douglas Adams made it up. He came up with the idea of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and he wrote about it in his book, which he called The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, after the fictional book in his real book which you can buy in bookstores. But thats not the one you want. You want the fictional book The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, which is written about in the real book The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, which you can buy in non-fictional bookstores in the fiction section.
JEFF. I see. So its like an alternate universe, where these bookstores exist for real.
MIKE. No. Okay, yes. There is an alternate universe - which we all live in - where Douglas Adams has written a book called The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, which tells the story of the book that you want to buy, but cant, because in this universe it only exists as a story in real books sold in bookstores.
JEFF. So if I could travel to this other universe, I could go to a bookstore and buy this book thats just a story, its not real and read about me going to a bookstore and buying a real copy of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, which I could bring back here, so you could read about my adventures in outer space.
(Mike thinks about it for a long time and decides he cant possibly win.)
MIKE. So youre off to see the Galaxy?
JEFF. Oh, yeah! Ive always wanted to go, since I first heard about as a little kid. I told my mom, this Galaxy sounds like the place for me, and someday Im gonna go there. Then she grounded me, so I couldnt go. And Ive always hated her for that.
MIKE. If its any consolation, you know, youre already in the galaxy.
JEFF. What? How did that happen?
MIKE. The Earth is part of the galaxy. So, technically, youre already there.
JEFF. Oh, no, no not this Galaxy. The other one.
MIKE. What do you mean? Which other one?
JEFF. Well, if I knew that, I wouldnt need the Guide. But I think it must just be the next galaxy over.
MIKE. I dont understand. If you dont know which Galaxy youre talking about, what makes you think theres a next-galaxy-over, that you would want to go to in the first place?
JEFF. I told you I heard about it when I was a little kid. And I know its still there, because I see it in the trailers every time I go to the movies.
MIKE. (long pause) You wouldnt happen to be talking about a galaxy a long time ago and far far away.
JEFF. Thats the one! And you know the first place Im gonna go when I get there? Luke Skywalkers house on Tatooine. Ive always wanted to see the birthplace of the future son of the boy who would become the man who would become Darth Vader and turned out to be Lukes father!
MIKE. You cant go to the Galaxy in Star Wars.
JEFF. You think you can stop me?
MIKE. I think the laws of physics are going to stop you.
JEFF. Are you serious? The laws of physics are no match for the power of the Force.
MIKE. Okay, yknow what? Go ahead. Thisll be fun. I cant wait to see you try.
JEFF. There is no try! "Do or dont do. There is no try." Thats the first rule of the Jedi. I think they also have a rule about "cant", but I dont know that one yet. Thats why Im gonna take night classes at the Jedi Academy as soon as I get there.
MIKE. I see.
JEFF. Well, I better get going, if I want to get there by May 19th.
MIKE. Why? Whats May 19th? (remembers) Wait, never mind. Thats when it opens.
JEFF. ---Thats when the movie opens!! How cool would it be to see the world premiere of the new Star Wars movie at the same theater where Luke Skywalker went to see movies in the original movie? I just hope the Wookies dont talk during the film.
MIKE. Yknow what else would be cool? Lithium.
JEFF. Like they use to power the warp engines?
MIKE. No, like youve got in those unopened prescription bottles in your medicine cabinet.
JEFF. Oh, I see youre trying to lure me over to the dark side of the force.
MIKE. No, youre already on a pretty dark side.
JEFF. Now you sound like my mother.
MIKE. Im not your mother.
JEFF. (gasps) Thats what she says!
MIKE. Oh, Jesus.
JEFF. Ill show you! Im going to go and Im gonna get a copy of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and Im gonna kick the dust of Federation Space off my heels and leave you and everyone who ever doubted me and the Jedi Council behind on this mudball which, by the way, is destroyed in the first scene of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy so well see whos crazy when youre all dead, and Im watching Star Wars III with Chewbacca the Wookie at the Cantina Cineplex in Mos Eisley.
(Mike gives Jeff a copy of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.)
MIKE. Here. I was going to wait till your birthday to give you this. Its The Hichhikers Guide to the Galaxy. It doesnt have magic powers. Its just a book. Youre not leaving federation space. Youre not going to a galaxy far away. And youre not going to see Star Wars with Chewbacca the Wookie. And if you did, hed ask you to leave, because youd be the one talking during the movie!
JEFF. (horribly offended) Chewbacca thinks my jokes are funny!
MIKE. And youre never gonna be a Jedi.
JEFF. Because Im too old?
MIKE. Because you live in Los Angeles!
JEFF. That didnt stop Samuel L. Jackson.
MIKE. Get help.
JEFF. Maybe I will! (Jeff picks up the book. It seems pretty ordinary. He riffles through the pages and whispers into it:) Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. Youre my only hope...
(FADE TO BLACK) THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.