JEFF. I just saw that movie about the Amity House. That was the coolest thing I have ever seen in my life!

MIKE. "The Amityville Horror"?

JEFF. What did you call me?

MIKE. That was the name of the movie you saw. About the house.

JEFF. Oh, it was awesome! I just got back from the theater. I’m still shaking.

MIKE. So you liked it?

JEFF. Liked it? I want to live there!

MIKE. At the theater?

JEFF. No, are you kidding? At the house. That place rocks.

MIKE. The house in "The Amityville Horror"?

JEFF. A house that bleeds? How cool is that?!

MIKE. You understand that the house is supposed to be possessed by evil spirits?

JEFF. How cool is that?! Do you know what kind of Halloween parties I could have if I lived in a house that was haunted by homicidal ghosts?

MIKE. Creepy, psychotic ones?

JEFF. Do you know how laid I could get living in a house that scared the shit out of people right before bedtime? (leers) Chicks love to snuggle.

MIKE. Well, if you’ve seen the movie, which you obviously have---

JEFF. Hell, yeah! Seein’ it again tomorrow with my realtor.

MIKE. ---Hoo boy. Then you know that the previous owners were not scared in a "Honey, let’s cuddle" kind of way.

JEFF. Oh, them.

MIKE. The house basically terrorized them until they moved out.

JEFF. And they were total assholes about it. The house was right to fuck with them. No sense of humor.

MIKE. So in your opinion the house was just having a little fun with them?

JEFF. (laughing) That house punked them so bad!

MIKE. (sarcastic) Yes, I think "The Amityville Punking" was the original title.

JEFF. They’re all, like, "Ooh, our dream house." And House is, like, "Dream house? I’m a nightmare house! Mwaaah! How ‘bout a little vomit on the stairway. Oooh, maybe I’m gonna kill your children… Psyche!" House totally got inside their heads. Half the game is mental, man.

MIKE. So you think the family’s biggest problem was… poor sportsmanship.

JEFF. Family just needed to chill and learn how to roll with the party vibe the house was layin’ down.

MIKE. Party vibe?! So this was more of a housewarming. Provided by the house.

JEFF. House just wants to raise the roof!

MIKE. I see…

JEFF. Aw, come on! The house is throwin’ green slime at ‘em. It’s like they’re on Nickelodeon. Seriously, people, chill. I mean, do you call up an exorcist every time you see Rosie O’Donnell?

MIKE. If she teleported into my daughter’s bedroom? Maybe.

JEFF. (taking offense) Hey! Rosie is not a Lesbian.

MIKE. That’s not what I said. And, actually, yes, she is.

JEFF. So if Rosie O’Donnell was here right now, you’d call an exorcist to get rid of her?

MIKE. Not being Catholic, I would probably call an ice cream truck to get rid of her.

JEFF. Rosie’s not Catholic?

MIKE. I’m not Catholic.

JEFF. Oh, but you think the house is Catholic---?

MIKE. No, based on the trailers, I’d have to say the house is agnostic.

JEFF. That’s right! House don’t believe in God. House is like, "My best friend’s a House o’ God. And I’ve seen what the House o’ God does to the little toolshed out back when no one is looking.

MIKE. So living in the Amityville House is slightly better than being molested by a priest? Is that what you’re saying?

JEFF. All I’m saying: You buy a house were somebody’s been brutally murdered, of course it’s going to be haunted by evil spirits. And, yeah, they’re going to try to brainwash your children into killing you in your sleep. That’s just common sense. You can’t blame the house for trying. House got a fight for the right, just like everybody else.

MIKE. So you really saw the house as the protagonist of the film, and the people as a bunch of selfish pricks who were ruining the House’s good time by trying to live peaceably.

JEFF. Buzz kill is the word you’re looking for. It’s like going to a rave and expecting everybody to stop using Ex, just cuz you brought the kids along. It’s stupid, people! House ain’t gonna behave just cuz you made a down payment. House is not your property.

MIKE. Actually, it is.

JEFF. You don’t own House. House owns you!

MIKE. Okay, did you take your medication?

JEFF. House doesn’t need medication. Medication makes House’s brain all fuzzy. House can’t think.

(MIKE gets up and walks JEFF out of the theatre.)

MIKE. Okay, let’s get you out of here.

JEFF. House can’t leave. House got a basement.

MIKE. (as they leave) C’mon we’ll get you some siding. How does that sound?

q.v. Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff
q.v. This is every piece I've ever written (10/14/06)