Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff
"The Amityville Horror"
by Jeff Goode
JEFF. I just saw that movie about the Amity House. That was the coolest thing I have ever seen in my life!
MIKE. "The Amityville Horror"?
JEFF. What did you call me?
MIKE. That was the name of the movie you saw. About the house.
JEFF. Oh, it was awesome! I just got back from the theater. Im still shaking.
MIKE. So you liked it?
JEFF. Liked it? I want to live there!
MIKE. At the theater?
JEFF. No, are you kidding? At the house. That place rocks.
MIKE. The house in "The Amityville Horror"?
JEFF. A house that bleeds? How cool is that?!
MIKE. You understand that the house is supposed to be possessed by evil spirits?
JEFF. How cool is that?! Do you know what kind of Halloween parties I could have if I lived in a house that was haunted by homicidal ghosts?
MIKE. Creepy, psychotic ones?
JEFF. Do you know how laid I could get living in a house that scared the shit out of people right before bedtime? (leers) Chicks love to snuggle.
MIKE. Well, if youve seen the movie, which you obviously have---
JEFF. Hell, yeah! Seein it again tomorrow with my realtor.
MIKE. ---Hoo boy. Then you know that the previous owners were not scared in a "Honey, lets cuddle" kind of way.
JEFF. Oh, them.
MIKE. The house basically terrorized them until they moved out.
JEFF. And they were total assholes about it. The house was right to fuck with them. No sense of humor.
MIKE. So in your opinion the house was just having a little fun with them?
JEFF. (laughing) That house punked them so bad!
MIKE. (sarcastic) Yes, I think "The Amityville Punking" was the original title.
JEFF. Theyre all, like, "Ooh, our dream house." And House is, like, "Dream house? Im a nightmare house! Mwaaah! How bout a little vomit on the stairway. Oooh, maybe Im gonna kill your children Psyche!" House totally got inside their heads. Half the game is mental, man.
MIKE. So you think the familys biggest problem was poor sportsmanship.
JEFF. Family just needed to chill and learn how to roll with the party vibe the house was layin down.
MIKE. Party vibe?! So this was more of a housewarming. Provided by the house.
JEFF. House just wants to raise the roof!
MIKE. I see
JEFF. Aw, come on! The house is throwin green slime at em. Its like theyre on Nickelodeon. Seriously, people, chill. I mean, do you call up an exorcist every time you see Rosie ODonnell?
MIKE. If she teleported into my daughters bedroom? Maybe.
JEFF. (taking offense) Hey! Rosie is not a Lesbian.
MIKE. Thats not what I said. And, actually, yes, she is.
JEFF. So if Rosie ODonnell was here right now, youd call an exorcist to get rid of her?
MIKE. Not being Catholic, I would probably call an ice cream truck to get rid of her.
JEFF. Rosies not Catholic?
MIKE. Im not Catholic.
JEFF. Oh, but you think the house is Catholic---?
MIKE. No, based on the trailers, Id have to say the house is agnostic.
JEFF. Thats right! House dont believe in God. House is like, "My best friends a House o God. And Ive seen what the House o God does to the little toolshed out back when no one is looking.
MIKE. So living in the Amityville House is slightly better than being molested by a priest? Is that what youre saying?
JEFF. All Im saying: You buy a house were somebodys been brutally murdered, of course its going to be haunted by evil spirits. And, yeah, theyre going to try to brainwash your children into killing you in your sleep. Thats just common sense. You cant blame the house for trying. House got a fight for the right, just like everybody else.
MIKE. So you really saw the house as the protagonist of the film, and the people as a bunch of selfish pricks who were ruining the Houses good time by trying to live peaceably.
JEFF. Buzz kill is the word youre looking for. Its like going to a rave and expecting everybody to stop using Ex, just cuz you brought the kids along. Its stupid, people! House aint gonna behave just cuz you made a down payment. House is not your property.
MIKE. Actually, it is.
JEFF. You dont own House. House owns you!
MIKE. Okay, did you take your medication?
JEFF. House doesnt need medication. Medication makes Houses brain all fuzzy. House cant think.
(MIKE gets up and walks JEFF out of the theatre.)
MIKE. Okay, lets get you out of here.
JEFF. House cant leave. House got a basement.
MIKE. (as they leave) Cmon well get you some siding. How does that sound?
(BLACKOUT) THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.