JEFF. What’s the deal with that "Sin City" movie?

MIKE. I don’t know what you mean.

JEFF. It’s a movie. It’s called "Sin City".

MIKE. I know what you mean by "Sin City". I don’t know what the "deal" is you’re talking about.

JEFF. What I just told you. It’s called "Sin City".

MIKE. I still don’t get it.

JEFF. I know! I mean, with a movie called "Sin City" you expect to see, at least, the Olsen Twins.

MIKE. The Olsen Twins?

JEFF. The two little kids who used to be on "Full House"---

MIKE. Yeah, I know who they are.

JEFF. ---And now I guess they’re twins and they make porn films.

MIKE. Okay, I’ve explained this to you before…

JEFF. Have you seen "Mary-Kate & Ashley’s Sleepover Party"??

MIKE. Just because it’s porn to you, doesn’t make it porn to everyone else.

JEFF. Hey, I’m not giving myself this erection.

MIKE. And, for the record, I’m pretty sure they’ve always been twins.

JEFF. They have? Since when?

MIKE. Since they were born.

JEFF. Was that before or after "Full House"?

MIKE. I think we can assume they were born before they appeared on "Full House".

JEFF. That’s what I thought. And they were only one girl on that one. Later is when they decided to become twins.

MIKE. No, they were twins already when they were on "Full House".

JEFF. I don’t think so. I would have remembered that. It looked like one girl.

MIKE. They were two girls playing one girl.

JEFF. Nuh uh. No way. Nobody’s that good. Especially the Olsens.

MIKE. They didn’t play her at the same time. They alternated scenes so one of them was always off-screen.

JEFF. Oh, I see. So maybe that’s why they’re not in "Sin City". Somebody screwed up and alternated at the wrong time and all of their scenes ended up in the second movie. Like in "Kill Bill" when they forgot to kill Bill until volume two.

MIKE. There’s no second movie. There’s only one movie, "Sin City", and the Olsen Twins are not in it.

JEFF. That’s what I’m saying.

MIKE. You’re not saying anything.

JEFF. I’m saying, if you’re going to call something "Sin City", there ought to be something in it that is sinful. On a municipal level.

MIKE. What is sinful about the Olsen Twins?! Wait, never mind, forget I asked.

JEFF. Have you seen "How the West Was Fun"?

MIKE. The Olsens are not porn stars.

JEFF. Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen covered in chocolate, that would be sinful. Or Natalie Portman when she was 12. Or Dakota Fanning right no.

MIKE. Stop.

JEFF. But there’s none of that. You know who they got in Sin City? Bruce Willis. And he was WAY more sinful in that other movie, "Ho Stage".

MIKE. Hostage!

JEFF. There’s no two-guys holding down a puppy and having sex with it.

MIKE. There are other ways to be sinful than having sex with things you shouldn’t be having sex with. (pointedly:) Or shouldn’t be thinking about having sex with.

JEFF. That is not why I bought that puppy.

MIKE. All right, that’s it, you are taking him back to the store tomorrow!

JEFF. All I’m saying is, you watch a movie called "Sin City", you expect to see some sin. Lots of it. Like a whole city of it. But there wasn’t any. Nobody turned gay and tried to join the military. Nobody removed anybody’s feeding tube---

MIKE. You don’t turn gay.

JEFF. ---Nobody tried to practice birth control. Nobody ran for office in Massachusetts.

MIKE. So you don’t count all the violence and killing as sinful?

JEFF. What’s sinful about violence?

MIKE. Are you kidding?

JEFF. Have you read the Bible? It’s full of violence. They should call it "Violence City". That’s a way better title than "Bible".

MIKE. I’m sure they’ll take it under advisement.

JEFF. In the Bible, God is always bombing Afghanistan or bombing Iraq or killing someone’s family. It’s called "smiting", though.

MIKE. Okay, I think you’re getting God confused with George Bush again.

JEFF. Oh. Which one is president of the United States?

MIKE. George Bush.

JEFF. And which one was President before that?

MIKE. That would be Bill Clinton.

JEFF. You’re not saying Bill Clinton is God??

MIKE. No.

JEFF. Ah, good. Cuz we’d all be going to hell if God was a Democrat.

MIKE. George Bush is not God!

JEFF. Well, he’s not liberal!

MIKE. And Violence is sinful, even if it happens in the Bible. And "Sin City" does not have to have the Olsen Twins in it to be called "Sin City"!!

JEFF. Hey, Mike, calm down. I’m just kidding. April Fools.

MIKE. Jesus Christ.

(Beat.)

JEFF. I know the Olsens aren’t really twins.

MIKE. Rrgh…

q.v. Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff