Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff
by Jeff Goode
JEFF. Whats the deal with that "Sin City" movie?
MIKE. I dont know what you mean.
JEFF. Its a movie. Its called "Sin City".
MIKE. I know what you mean by "Sin City". I dont know what the "deal" is youre talking about.
JEFF. What I just told you. Its called "Sin City".
MIKE. I still dont get it.
JEFF. I know! I mean, with a movie called "Sin City" you expect to see, at least, the Olsen Twins.
MIKE. The Olsen Twins?
JEFF. The two little kids who used to be on "Full House"---
MIKE. Yeah, I know who they are.
JEFF. ---And now I guess theyre twins and they make porn films.
MIKE. Okay, Ive explained this to you before
JEFF. Have you seen "Mary-Kate & Ashleys Sleepover Party"??
MIKE. Just because its porn to you, doesnt make it porn to everyone else.
JEFF. Hey, Im not giving myself this erection.
MIKE. And, for the record, Im pretty sure theyve always been twins.
JEFF. They have? Since when?
MIKE. Since they were born.
JEFF. Was that before or after "Full House"?
MIKE. I think we can assume they were born before they appeared on "Full House".
JEFF. Thats what I thought. And they were only one girl on that one. Later is when they decided to become twins.
MIKE. No, they were twins already when they were on "Full House".
JEFF. I dont think so. I would have remembered that. It looked like one girl.
MIKE. They were two girls playing one girl.
JEFF. Nuh uh. No way. Nobodys that good. Especially the Olsens.
MIKE. They didnt play her at the same time. They alternated scenes so one of them was always off-screen.
JEFF. Oh, I see. So maybe thats why theyre not in "Sin City". Somebody screwed up and alternated at the wrong time and all of their scenes ended up in the second movie. Like in "Kill Bill" when they forgot to kill Bill until volume two.
MIKE. Theres no second movie. Theres only one movie, "Sin City", and the Olsen Twins are not in it.
JEFF. Thats what Im saying.
MIKE. Youre not saying anything.
JEFF. Im saying, if youre going to call something "Sin City", there ought to be something in it that is sinful. On a municipal level.
MIKE. What is sinful about the Olsen Twins?! Wait, never mind, forget I asked.
JEFF. Have you seen "How the West Was Fun"?
MIKE. The Olsens are not porn stars.
JEFF. Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen covered in chocolate, that would be sinful. Or Natalie Portman when she was 12. Or Dakota Fanning right no.
JEFF. But theres none of that. You know who they got in Sin City? Bruce Willis. And he was WAY more sinful in that other movie, "Ho Stage".
JEFF. Theres no two-guys holding down a puppy and having sex with it.
MIKE. There are other ways to be sinful than having sex with things you shouldnt be having sex with. (pointedly:) Or shouldnt be thinking about having sex with.
JEFF. That is not why I bought that puppy.
MIKE. All right, thats it, you are taking him back to the store tomorrow!
JEFF. All Im saying is, you watch a movie called "Sin City", you expect to see some sin. Lots of it. Like a whole city of it. But there wasnt any. Nobody turned gay and tried to join the military. Nobody removed anybodys feeding tube---
MIKE. You dont turn gay.
JEFF. ---Nobody tried to practice birth control. Nobody ran for office in Massachusetts.
MIKE. So you dont count all the violence and killing as sinful?
JEFF. Whats sinful about violence?
MIKE. Are you kidding?
JEFF. Have you read the Bible? Its full of violence. They should call it "Violence City". Thats a way better title than "Bible".
MIKE. Im sure theyll take it under advisement.
JEFF. In the Bible, God is always bombing Afghanistan or bombing Iraq or killing someones family. Its called "smiting", though.
MIKE. Okay, I think youre getting God confused with George Bush again.
JEFF. Oh. Which one is president of the United States?
MIKE. George Bush.
JEFF. And which one was President before that?
MIKE. That would be Bill Clinton.
JEFF. Youre not saying Bill Clinton is God??
JEFF. Ah, good. Cuz wed all be going to hell if God was a Democrat.
MIKE. George Bush is not God!
JEFF. Well, hes not liberal!
MIKE. And Violence is sinful, even if it happens in the Bible. And "Sin City" does not have to have the Olsen Twins in it to be called "Sin City"!!
JEFF. Hey, Mike, calm down. Im just kidding. April Fools.
MIKE. Jesus Christ.
JEFF. I know the Olsens arent really twins.
(BLACKOUT) THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.