Long & Hard & Full of Seamen
by Jeff Goode
(THREE PEOPLE on stage... LIGHTS UP FULL.)
ONE Whats long and hard and full of seamen?
THREE The naval academy at Annapolis.
TWO Its full of seamen.
ONE Its not hard.
THREE Have you been to the Naval Academy? Its hard. Dont tell me its not hard.
TWO And long.
THREE Seems like forever.
ONE Its a submarine!
ONE A submarine.
THREE Like a sandwich?
TWO Thats not hard.
THREE Not if you make em right. Should be soft.
TWO Especially if its full of semen.
THREE Oh, yeah, a semen sandwich would be totally soggy.
TWO Hard to eat, I guess. Maybe thats what you meant. Whats long and hard-to-eat because its full of semen?
THREE A semen sandwich, sure. That makes total sense.
TWO But, wait, is it supposed to be long to eat, too?
THREE You mean like, whats long-and-hard to eat?
TWO Is that the question?
THREE Something you eat with a straw.
THREE Yeah! Eating a semen pizza with a straw.
TWO That would be long and hard.
THREE Takes forever.
TWO Not really full of semen, though.
THREE Yeah, the semens kinda sitting on top.
TWO So maybe a calzone.
THREE Sperm calzone. Chock full of semen.
TWO Hard to eat.
THREE Takes a long time to eat.
TWO But worth it.
TWO Better be. You know how hard it is to make one of those?
THREE So its hard to make and hard to eat.
TWO Yet, tender and flaky.
THREE High in protein.
TWO So its good for you.
THREE If youre low in protein.
TWO Well, you would be by the time you finished making a semen calzone.
THREE Good point.
TWO So maybe the question should be: Whats long and hard
THREE Yet tender and flaky.
TWO High in protein.
THREE Tastes like semen.
TWO And so difficult to make that you can only get them in the mess hall at Annapolis Naval Academy?
THREE (shrugs) I dunno.
(They turn to ONE.)
ONE You guys are unbelievable.
(ONE gets up and storms out.)
THREE He doesnt believe us.
TWO Probably hasnt tried one.
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