Long & Hard & Full of Seamen
by Jeff Goode
(THREE PEOPLE on stage... LIGHTS UP FULL.)
ONE What’s long and hard and full of seamen?
TWO Annapolis.
ONE What?
THREE The naval academy at Annapolis.
ONE No.
TWO It’s full of seamen.
ONE It’s not hard.
THREE Have you been to the Naval Academy? It’s hard. Don’t tell me it’s not hard.
TWO And long.
THREE Seems like forever.
ONE It’s a submarine!
TWO What?
ONE A submarine.
THREE Like a sandwich?
TWO That’s not hard.
THREE Not if you make ‘em right. Should be soft.
TWO Especially if it’s full of semen.
THREE Oh, yeah, a semen sandwich would be totally soggy.
TWO Hard to eat, I guess. Maybe that’s what you meant. What’s long and hard-to-eat because it’s full of semen?
THREE A semen sandwich, sure. That makes total sense.
TWO But, wait, is it supposed to be long to eat, too?
THREE You mean like, what’s long-and-hard to eat?
TWO Is that the question?
ONE No!
THREE Something you eat with a straw.
TWO Pizza.
THREE Yeah! Eating a semen pizza with a straw.
TWO That would be long and hard.
THREE Takes forever.
TWO Not really full of semen, though.
THREE Yeah, the semen’s kinda sitting on top.
TWO So maybe a calzone.
THREE Sperm calzone. Chock full of semen.
TWO Hard to eat.
THREE Takes a long time to eat.
TWO But worth it.
THREE Really?
TWO Better be. You know how hard it is to make one of those?
THREE So it’s hard to make and hard to eat.
TWO Yet, tender and flaky.
THREE High in protein.
TWO So it’s good for you.
THREE If you’re low in protein.
TWO Well, you would be by the time you finished making a semen calzone.
THREE Good point.
TWO So maybe the question should be: What’s long and hard–
THREE Yet tender and flaky.
TWO High in protein.
THREE Tastes like semen.
TWO And so difficult to make that you can only get them in the mess hall at Annapolis Naval Academy?
THREE (shrugs) I dunno.
(They turn to ONE.)
ONE You guys are unbelievable.
(ONE gets up and storms out.)
THREE He doesn’t believe us.
TWO Probably hasn’t tried one.
(BLACKOUT)
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Performed by Greg (?), Scott McGee & Jeff Goode.
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