JEFF

So I hear they’re having those Oscars again this year.

MIKE

Yes, they’re on Sunday. Are you going to watch?

JEFF

Fuck no! You know my girlfriend just broke up with me.

MIKE

Oh. Was she into the Oscars?

JEFF

Hell no! That bitch hates the Oscars. (catches himself; for the audience’s benefit:) As do I! I have never watched the Oscars. And I never will.

MIKE

Didn’t you used to host an Oscar party every year?

JEFF

…Okay, I experimented with watching the Oscars in college. But that was it.

MIKE

We watched it at your house last year. You wore a wookie costume.

JEFF

I was a hobbit. (gang sign) Word to my home-its in the shire.

MIKE

So why don’t you want to watch the Oscars this year?

JEFF

I just told you, I’m between girlfriends right now. The last thing I need to do is watch a show that’s gonna turn me gay.

MIKE

Turn you gay--?

JEFF

--I think I’m gay enough sitting here with you.

MIKE

The Oscars are not gonna turn you gay–

JEFF

--Chris Rock says the Oscars will turn you gay. And he’s the host.

MIKE

I don’t think that’s what he said.

JEFF

Gay as a French Foreign film. Is what he said.

MIKE

Okay — at the risk of having this conversation — I think what Chris Rock actually said was that if you watch the Oscars you’re probably already gay.

JEFF

(for audience:) Which is why I have not watched the Oscars since I was a freshman.

(to Mike:) After I found out one of my roommates was gay.

MIKE

Let me guess - His ass tasted like cock.

JEFF

(beat…) Those records are supposed to be sealed!!

MIKE

You see every movie that comes out. You don’t want to find out who wins?

JEFF

I do not see movies… that "come out". I only see the straight ones. And the really straight ones I see twice.

MIKE

The really straight ones?

JEFF

I saw Spiderman Two five times.

MIKE

Spiderman Two is up for an Oscar.

JEFF

It is?

MIKE

So is Passion of the Christ.

JEFF

Spider-Man is gay? --No, wait, Jesus is gay??

MIKE

Nobody’s gay. They’re just movies.

JEFF

…Mel Gibson’s not a movie.

MIKE

No, Mel is a real person.

JEFF

A real gay person.

MIKE

The Oscars don’t make you gay!

JEFF

Then how come they gave him an Oscar for 1995’s Braveheart, beating out Sense and Sensibility, Babe and Il Postino. And the very next movie he made was Pocahontas. So don’t try to tell me those little gold dildos don’t turn people into pooter tooters.

MIKE

Do you even know what Pocahontas is about?

JEFF

I don’t watch gay porn.

MIKE

It’s the story of an Indian Princess and the Captain of the Jamestown settlement.

JEFF

Then why’s it called Pocahontas?

MIKE

Because that’s her name.

JEFF

…Hontas?

MIKE

It’s not gay porn!

JEFF

Then why did they give Mel Gibson an Oscar?!

MIKE

Because he directed the best picture that year!

JEFF

(simmering:) You must think I’m pretty fucking stupid.

MIKE

Okay, I know how it sounds, but it’s true–

JEFF

--You expect me to believe that Mel Gibson is not gay, but he is a good director. Huh? Huh?? What do I look like?

MIKE

You know what — if it gets me out of defending his directing career — I’m willing to give you that Mel Gibson may in fact be as gay as a man in a kilt playing a bagpipe at a Massachusetts wedding.

JEFF

I knew it!

MIKE

But even if that was true–

JEFF

--You just said it was true.

MIKE

Even though that’s true… The Oscars did not make him gay.

JEFF

Then why did–

MIKE

--Chris Rock was just saying that to get attention.

JEFF

So the Oscars are just being gay to get attention?

MIKE

…Yes. But the Academy Awards do not turn people gay. It’s just a television show. You’re the same after you see it as before you see it.

JEFF

So it doesn’t do anything?

MIKE

No!

JEFF

Nothing happens when you watch TV.

MIKE

No!!

JEFF

That’s good, cuz… (tears up) I never miss the Oscars. (weeps)

MIKE

What’s wrong?

JEFF

Now it’s too late to have a party.

MIKE

Do you want me to come over and watch them with you?

JEFF

MIKE

All right. Do you need me to bring anything? Chips?

JEFF

(thinks about it, nods) I’m out of baby oil.

q.v. Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff