- June 18, 2004 - No Shame Los Angeles
Performed by Mike Rothschild & Jeff Goode.
Movie Review: Harry Potter
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2004
(JEFF is sitting in his usual chair, when MIKE comes in.)
MIKE
Where have you been? I was looking all over for you.
JEFF
I went to see that Harry Potter movie.
MIKE
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban?
JEFF
Is that what it’s called?
MIKE
That opened two weeks ago.
JEFF
Yeah, I know. I was there.
MIKE
I thought something had happened to you. Last time you were here you stormed out and went off to find your cousin Patrocles.
JEFF
Who?
MIKE
Patrocles. …From the movie Troy.
JEFF
Patrocles isn’t my cousin. He’s Brad Pitt’s cousin.
MIKE
Well, anyway, that’s where I thought you went.
JEFF
To ancient Greece? I think you need a reality check, man. Do I look like I can afford a time car?
MIKE
So you’re telling me you didn’t go anywhere, and you’ve just been seeing Harry Potter over and over this whole time.
JEFF
Oh God no! I saw it once. That was plenty.
(Mike sits, if he hasn’t already.)
MIKE
So how was it?
JEFF
I’d rather not talk about it.
MIKE
You’d rather not talk about it? You saw it one time and disappeared for two weeks.
JEFF
And the less said about that the better.
MIKE
Nuh uh, you had us all worried sick. Well, I was worried. And I want to know what you thought of the film.
JEFF
I’m trying not to think about it.
MIKE
Why not?
JEFF
You don’t want to know.
MIKE
No, actually, I kinda do want to know. Why don’t you want to talk about it?
JEFF
(Beat.) Okay, this is going to sound a little weird.
MIKE
You forget that I’ve been listening to you for months now, so if what you have to say is only a little weird… that would be weird.
JEFF
I’ve been having bad dreams.
MIKE
Bad dreams?
JEFF
Really bad dreams.
MIKE
Because of Harry Potter.
JEFF
Now, can we change the subject?
MIKE
I don’t understand. You found it frightening?
JEFF
I really don’t want to talk about it.
MIKE
The roller-skating spider scared you?
JEFF
(scoffs:) I’m not afraid of roller skates.
MIKE
Or maybe you dreamed that Voldemort was coming to get you?
JEFF
(offended:) I am not afraid of… He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
MIKE
Well, what then? The werewolfs? The Dementors? The friendly flying bird creature? (no response) The giant pumpkins?
JEFF
I’m not afraid of anything in the movie, okay? For Christ’s sake, it’s a family movie. For little kids to see. With their families. What could possibly be scary about that?!
MIKE
You tell me, you’re the one having the bad dreams.
JEFF
Yes, I am, and that’s why I’d really like to drop it and talk about something else for a change. There’s gotta be more to life than the movies we see.
(Silence as they think of other things in their lives. They can’t think of anything else.)
MIKE
I don’t understand. You’re not afraid of anything in the film, but you say it’s giving you bad dreams.
JEFF
Really bad dreams.
MIKE
And you’re sure it’s the film that’s doing this, and not some TV show you watched or something you read in a comic book.
JEFF
Oh, it’s the film. Trust me.
MIKE
And it started two weeks ago, when you saw the movie.
JEFF
Oh, yeah. The night before, even.
MIKE
Wait, hold on. The night before?
JEFF
Cuz I think part of me knew I was going to see the movie the next day. So I had one that night.
MIKE
But you didn’t see the movie till the next day!
JEFF
So?
MIKE
So, hw could you dream about something you hadn’t even seen yet?
JEFF
(sarcastic:) I’ve read the books. And I saw the first two movies. That’s when it started, really. With the first movie.
MIKE
You’ve been having nightmares since the first Harry Potter movie?
JEFF
Not nightmares. Bad dreams. And they get more intense with each movie. And now it’s… (points at his head) …just really bad.
MIKE
(confused:) I’m sorry, what exactly are you dreaming about?
JEFF
(evasive:) Oh. Different things.
MIKE
For example?
JEFF
Well… Okay… sometimes I’m sitting on a beach. And I’m sitting in one of those deck chairs, sipping a mai tai. As the sun slowly sets into the ocean…… Or there’s this other one where I’m at a night club---
MIKE
Hold it--- How is that a bad dream? You drank mai tais and watched the sunset. And what does that have to do with Harry Potter??
JEFF
(Beat.) Well… Hermione’s there.
MIKE
Hermione?
JEFF
Yep.
MIKE
And that’s it?
JEFF
Sometimes Ron.
MIKE
Hermione and Ron.
JEFF
At the beach.
MIKE
And that’s your idea of a bad dream?
JEFF
Boy, how about those Lakers, huh?
MIKE
How is that a bad dream?!
JEFF
Okay, have you ever seen Hermione in a thong bikini?
MIKE
What? What are you--- No!
JEFF
(points at his head) Well, I have!
MIKE
Ugh!
JEFF
And sometimes she’s topless!
MIKE
Ugh! Stop!
JEFF
You asked.
MIKE
So your "bad dreams" are about Ron and Hermione getting it on at the beach.
JEFF
No, of course not! What gave you that idea?
MIKE
You said Ron was there. And Hermione was topless.
JEFF
Oh, no no no no no no no. Ron just likes to watch.
MIKE
(Beat, as Mike figures it out, then…) Ugh!!
(BLACKOUT)
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Mike Rothschild & Jeff Goode.
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