copyright © 2004 Jeff Goode

Movie Review: Harry Potter

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2004

(JEFF is sitting in his usual chair, when MIKE comes in.)

MIKE

Where have you been? I was looking all over for you.

JEFF

I went to see that Harry Potter movie.

MIKE

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban?

JEFF

Is that what it’s called?

MIKE

That opened two weeks ago.

JEFF

Yeah, I know. I was there.

MIKE

I thought something had happened to you. Last time you were here you stormed out and went off to find your cousin Patrocles.

JEFF

Who?

MIKE

Patrocles. …From the movie Troy.

JEFF

Patrocles isn’t my cousin. He’s Brad Pitt’s cousin.

MIKE

Well, anyway, that’s where I thought you went.

JEFF

To ancient Greece? I think you need a reality check, man. Do I look like I can afford a time car?

MIKE

So you’re telling me you didn’t go anywhere, and you’ve just been seeing Harry Potter over and over this whole time.

JEFF

Oh God no! I saw it once. That was plenty.

(Mike sits, if he hasn’t already.)

MIKE

So how was it?

JEFF

I’d rather not talk about it.

MIKE

You’d rather not talk about it? You saw it one time and disappeared for two weeks.

JEFF

And the less said about that the better.

MIKE

Nuh uh, you had us all worried sick. Well, I was worried. And I want to know what you thought of the film.

JEFF

I’m trying not to think about it.

MIKE

Why not?

JEFF

You don’t want to know.

MIKE

No, actually, I kinda do want to know. Why don’t you want to talk about it?

JEFF

(Beat.) Okay, this is going to sound a little weird.

MIKE

You forget that I’ve been listening to you for months now, so if what you have to say is only a little weird… that would be weird.

JEFF

I’ve been having bad dreams.

MIKE

Bad dreams?

JEFF

Really bad dreams.

MIKE

Because of Harry Potter.

JEFF

Now, can we change the subject?

MIKE

I don’t understand. You found it frightening?

JEFF

I really don’t want to talk about it.

MIKE

The roller-skating spider scared you?

JEFF

(scoffs:) I’m not afraid of roller skates.

MIKE

Or maybe you dreamed that Voldemort was coming to get you?

JEFF

(offended:) I am not afraid of… He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

MIKE

Well, what then? The werewolfs? The Dementors? The friendly flying bird creature? (no response) The giant pumpkins?

JEFF

I’m not afraid of anything in the movie, okay? For Christ’s sake, it’s a family movie. For little kids to see. With their families. What could possibly be scary about that?!

MIKE

You tell me, you’re the one having the bad dreams.

JEFF

Yes, I am, and that’s why I’d really like to drop it and talk about something else for a change. There’s gotta be more to life than the movies we see.

(Silence as they think of other things in their lives. They can’t think of anything else.)

MIKE

I don’t understand. You’re not afraid of anything in the film, but you say it’s giving you bad dreams.

JEFF

Really bad dreams.

MIKE

And you’re sure it’s the film that’s doing this, and not some TV show you watched or something you read in a comic book.

JEFF

Oh, it’s the film. Trust me.

MIKE

And it started two weeks ago, when you saw the movie.

JEFF

Oh, yeah. The night before, even.

MIKE

Wait, hold on. The night before?

JEFF

Cuz I think part of me knew I was going to see the movie the next day. So I had one that night.

MIKE

But you didn’t see the movie till the next day!

JEFF

So?

MIKE

So, hw could you dream about something you hadn’t even seen yet?

JEFF

(sarcastic:) I’ve read the books. And I saw the first two movies. That’s when it started, really. With the first movie.

MIKE

You’ve been having nightmares since the first Harry Potter movie?

JEFF

Not nightmares. Bad dreams. And they get more intense with each movie. And now it’s… (points at his head) …just really bad.

MIKE

(confused:) I’m sorry, what exactly are you dreaming about?

JEFF

(evasive:) Oh. Different things.

MIKE

For example?

JEFF

Well… Okay… sometimes I’m sitting on a beach. And I’m sitting in one of those deck chairs, sipping a mai tai. As the sun slowly sets into the ocean…… Or there’s this other one where I’m at a night club---

MIKE

Hold it--- How is that a bad dream? You drank mai tais and watched the sunset. And what does that have to do with Harry Potter??

JEFF

(Beat.) Well… Hermione’s there.

MIKE

Hermione?

JEFF

Yep.

MIKE

And that’s it?

JEFF

Sometimes Ron.

MIKE

Hermione and Ron.

JEFF

At the beach.

MIKE

And that’s your idea of a bad dream?

JEFF

Boy, how about those Lakers, huh?

MIKE

How is that a bad dream?!

JEFF

Okay, have you ever seen Hermione in a thong bikini?

MIKE

What? What are you--- No!

JEFF

(points at his head) Well, I have!

MIKE

Ugh!

JEFF

And sometimes she’s topless!

MIKE

Ugh! Stop!

JEFF

You asked.

MIKE

So your "bad dreams" are about Ron and Hermione getting it on at the beach.

JEFF

No, of course not! What gave you that idea?

MIKE

You said Ron was there. And Hermione was topless.

JEFF

Oh, no no no no no no no. Ron just likes to watch.

MIKE

(Beat, as Mike figures it out, then…) Ugh!!

 

(BLACKOUT)

THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR



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