Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff - by Jeff Goode - copyright © 2004

VOICEOVER

Previously on "Movie Reviews with Mike and Jeff"

MIKE

Of all the ridiculous crap you've said over the last three months... this is the dumbest! I can't do this anymore.

MIKE.

I quit. I just...I quit...you're on your own.

JEFF

So I saw that movie Troy.

Boy, was that misleading.

This movie was so obviously just a remake of Kill Bill Volume 1,

because there was all the same cool sword fighting,

and the title character ... does not even appear in the film.

Although, like in Kill Bill, they talked about him CONSTANTLY.

"Troy will do this" and "Troy won't do that" and

"Troy will never bow to foreign invaders" and

"Here's the sword of Troy, don't let it touch the ground or fall into enemy hands,

because if we can smuggle it out of the city, Troy will LIVE!"

Maybe if Troy carried his own damn sword,

His cholesterol would be lower and

He wouldn't need the life-saving operation,

WHICH we don't find out if he gets till the next movie.

I just hope he's not played by David Carradine

Because that was a total let down.

But I don't mind so much that Troy wasn't in the movie Troy,

Because - like in the original Kill Bill -

The REAL star of the film is not Bill,

but a bad-ass butt-kicking, blonde hottie with a sword.

In this case, Brad Pitt - played here by Achilles, the God of Tendons.

HIS performance as the world's greatest superhero,

and the cool swordfighting,

and the gratuitous nudity

and the huge battle scenes,

and the amazing special effects

ALONE were worth the price of admission.

But I was NOT EXPECTING

the free love story you get as a bonus with your purchase

This is what really put this movie over the top

Up into, like, TITANIC territory

Or even KILL BILL VOLUME TWO territory

I'm serious, give that man an Oscar

And give his little friend, I dunno, an Emmy, or a Golden Globe.

The sheer erotic chemistry between the beautiful, buxom, blonde, he-devil, Brad Pitt

And his equally blonde, equally bisexual cousin Patrocles

Was the hottest thing I've seen on the big screen since...

The Olsen Twins the week before.

(INHALE, sob)

When Brad Pitt refused to go into battle

Because of some silly argument with Agamemnon

And Patrocles steals his clothes

And leads the Myrmidons into battle in his place,

Even though he knows he is NOTHING without Brad Pitt

But the show must go on!

And Patrocles is killed in battle by Brad Pitt's arch enemy Hector

Played by the Incredible Hulk -

But not the real one, not Lou Ferrigno.

The ANG LEE Incredible Hulk kills him.

And Patrocles dies alone

On a sandy beach,

Surrounded by sailors

Because Brad Pitt wasn't there for him when he really needed him.

Oh my God...

(Mike comes back.)

MIKE

Oh, all right!

JEFF

Mike!

MIKE

I accept your apology.

JEFF

You're back!

MIKE

Yeah, well, you're dying out here.

JEFF

Oh my God!

This is just like when Patrocles is lying there

With a dagger in his heart,

Drowning / Choking ... in his own blood

And Brad Pitt realizes he was wrong to abandon his love cousin

In the heat of battle

Right in the middle of the movie

And rushes to his bedside

like he's probably done so many times before on those

warm summer nights in southern Sicily

But this time it's too late, because Patrocles is already dead.

And now Brad Pitt has to take on the entire enemy army all by himself -

Which he can totally do! -

But now he does it alone.

With only the love of women to comfort him.

(Jeff starts to leave)

MIKE

Where are you going?

JEFF

It's too late, Mike. I'm not your cousin

MIKE

My what?

JEFF

You should have thought of that before you left me to take on the Incredible Hulk all by myself. You're on your own now, soldier. Goodbye.

(Mike reacts.)

q.v. Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff