Movie Review: Hellboy

by Jeff Goode

(Two people. One of them has just seen Hellboy.)

JEFF

So I saw that "Hellboy" movie this week. (Beat. But Mike isn't biting.) That movie is so fake.

MIKE

...Fake??

JEFF

Totally.

MIKE

It's about a demon who fights evil for the government!

JEFF

I know. What a bunch of bullshit. Like the government is going to fight evil. Completely unrealistic.

MIKE

I don't think they were going for realism.

JEFF

Well, then they succeeded.

MIKE

It's a superhero movie.

JEFF

... ...Yeah?

MIKE

Superheroes are not real.

JEFF

...What in the HELL are you talking about?!

MIKE

Ah Jesus...

JEFF

What about Rasputin?

MIKE

Rasputin?

JEFF

Grigory Rasputin - spiritual advisor to the Romanoffs. He was assassinated at a state dinner in his honor, where he was poisoned, shot, stabbed, bludgeoned, strangled and finally drowned.

MIKE

I know who Rasputin is.

JEFF

He's real.

MIKE

I know he's real.

JEFF

Well, he's in the movie. He used his superpowers to come back from the dead And Hitler.

MIKE

Hitler's not a superhero!

JEFF

(Duh.) No, he's a supervillain. And Selma Blair.

MIKE

Selma Blair is an actor.

JEFF

Who controls fire with her mind.

MIKE

No she doesn't.

JEFF

Hey, I know what I saw.

MIKE

Those are special effects.

JEFF

What? What are you--

MIKE

It's done with special effects.

JEFF

Selma Blair doesn't need special effects, she's totally hot. In real life.

MIKE

Hot. Not flammable.

JEFF

I'm sorry, have you met Selma Blair?

MIKE

No, have you?

JEFF

(gloats) Let's just say I know some people.

MIKE

Does one of them happen to be Selma Blair?

JEFF

No, but one of them cleans her pool, and he assures me that if you saw her in real life - and in a bikini - you would know that the part of the film where she bursts into flames incinerating everyone in her path is extremely accurate.

MIKE

Okay, this is ridiculous. Hellboy is not real. And it's not supposed to be real. It's a comic book.

JEFF

No, it's a movie.

MIKE

But it's based on a comic book.

JEFF

No, it's based on history. Unless you think they just invented Nazis just to be in this movie.

(Mike exasperated, walks out.)

And the FBI - I suppose they just made them up, too? And the Ogdru Jahad - the demon lords of outer space who are lurking beyond the space-time portal waiting for the chance to re-infect our world with their evil?

(Mike comes back with a comic book, throws it at Jeff.)

MIKE

There!

JEFF

What's this?

MIKE

Hellboy the comic! I knew you were going to do this. So I got you a copy.

(Jeff peruses the comic.)

JEFF

Oh my God... Rasputin is in here. And Hitler. And it's a comic book?

MIKE

That's right!

JEFF

When was this written?

MIKE

I dunno. 1994, I think.

JEFF

So wait. So all those assholes who say World War II never happened and the holocaust was a hallucination. They were right?!

MIKE

What! No, they're not right!

JEFF

But if Hitler is a fictional character invented in 1994, how could he have built the concentration camps in 1945? Unless they were fictional, too.

MIKE

What? No! Hitler's not fictional.

JEFF

But he's in this comic book.

MIKE

Some things are real that are in comic books!

JEFF

Like Hellboy?

MIKE

No, not like Hellboy.

JEFF

Like Selma Blair.

MIKE

Selma Blair is not in the comic book.

JEFF

Then why is she in the movie?

MIKE

She plays a character in the movie who was in the comic book - who was fictional - who apparently bursts into flames to fight Hitler - who was real.

JEFF

But she's fictional, so she's only pretending to fight Hitler?

MIKE

No, she's really fighting Hitler.

JEFF

In her imagination?

MIKE

No, in your imagination! You are supposed to go to the theater and imagine that Selma Blair and all the other characters in Hellboy are pretending to fight evil Nazis for real in a pretend story out of a real comic book.

JEFF

Which they made into a movie.

MIKE

Yes!!

JEFF

Okay, that's the part I found fake.

MIKE

That they made it into a movie??

JEFF

Yeah. No real demon would wear that much make up.

MIKE

(Beat.)