Movie Review: Starsky & Hutch

by Jeff Goode

(Two people. One of them, having just seen Starsky & Hutch, looks a little confused.)

JEFF

I finally saw that "Husky & Starch" movie. Man, that movie was totally confusing.

MIKE

"Starsky & Hutch".

JEFF

Who?

MIKE

"Starsky & Hutch". That was the name of the movie.

JEFF

Why, what did I say?

MIKE

I don't know. You said something else.

JEFF

I didn't say, "Husky & Starch"?

MIKE

No, you did, you said that.

JEFF

So what's your problem?

MIKE

My problem is that's not the name of the movie! The movie is called "Starsky & Hutch", not... whatever it is you called it.

JEFF

"Husky & Starch".

MIKE

That! Not that. That's not it.

JEFF

Okay, who saw the movie, you or me?

MIKE

I don't need to see it. It's based on a '70s cop show called "Starsky and Hutch". So when they made it into a film, they called it "Starsky & Hutch" after the TV show of the same name.

JEFF

Yeah, I didn't get that from the film.

MIKE

You didn't get that there were two characters named Starsky and Hutch, and the whole movie was all about them?

JEFF

No, I didn't get that they were cops.

MIKE

I see. So you didn't notice them shooting people...?

JEFF

Yeah.

MIKE

And arresting people, and flashing their badges?

JEFF

I noticed the shooting.

MIKE

Okay, well, that was them being cops.

JEFF

Why didn't they have uniforms?

MIKE

I don't know. It was the '70s. They were too cool to wear uniforms.

JEFF

CHIPS had uniforms. They weren't cool?

MIKE

CHIPS had motorcycles, too.

JEFF

Yeah...?

MIKE

They were different shows. Different shows have different things.

JEFF

Well, that explains it, 'cuz this was definitely different.

MIKE

Yeah, that makes two of you.

JEFF

They were both cops? Or just Husky.

MIKE

Starsky.

JEFF

It's pronounced "Starsky"?

MIKE

No, it's not a pronunciation thing. You're saying a completely different word. It's Starsky. I don't know where you got Husky from.

JEFF

Well, because the girl in the film looks kinda husky.

MIKE

Which girl?

JEFF

The one you said. Husky.

MIKE

Starsky!

JEFF

She looks husky.

MIKE

Starsky is a guy.

JEFF

Oh, then I'm thinking of the other one. Starch.

MIKE

Hutch.

JEFF

She looks husky.

MIKE

She's not husky, either. She's a guy. They're both guys. And her name isn't Starch, it's either Hutch or Starsky, depending on who the hell you're talking about.

JEFF

Okay, which one was the cute, little brunette?

MIKE

That would be Starsky.

JEFF

And you think she's a guy.

MIKE

He is a guy, and his name is Starsky.

JEFF

But he's played by a girl.

MIKE

No, he's played by Ben Stiller.

JEFF

That was Ben Stiller???

MIKE

Yes!

JEFF

Wow. I did not recognize him.

MIKE

How could you not recognize Ben Stiller?

JEFF

I dunno. Maybe because of the prosthetics.

MIKE

(sarcastic) Yes, I can see how all the fancy prosthetic makeup they used in "Starsky & Hutch" might have confused you.

JEFF

And the fake tits.

MIKE

They did not have fake tits!

JEFF

Hey, who saw the movie?

MIKE

Ben Stiller had fake tits in "Starsky and Hutch"?

JEFF

Unless they were real ones, and he got 'em for the movie.

MIKE

Why would Ben Stiller need breast implants to play the role of David Starsky?

JEFF

Because he was a Lesbian.

(Mike is speechless.)

They both were. It was sick.

MIKE

They were not Lesbians!

JEFF

Nuh uh. I know what I saw. Those guys were all over each other. So either they were Lesbians, or that is gayest movie I have ever seen.

MIKE

You're saying, in the movie "Starsky & Hutch", Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson were Lesbians?

JEFF

Holy shit! That was Owen Wilson???

MIKE

Yes!

JEFF

Well, that explains the weird fake nose.

MIKE

It's not weird or fake. He broke his nose in high school.

JEFF

Well, he deserves an Oscar for this movie, then, because I had no idea that was Owen Wilson under all that make-up. He totally looked like somebody else.

MIKE

Who did you think it was?

JEFF

I dunno, but dude, in this movie, he looks exactly like Charlize Theron with a fake prosthetic nose.

MIKE

Charlize Theron?

JEFF

Yeah. And he put on some weight. And I think he was wearing special shoes that made him look taller.

(beat)

MIKE

Did you go see "Monster" again?

JEFF