Movie Review: The Passion of The Christ

by Jeff Goode

(Two people. One of them, having just seen The Passion of The Christ looks a little disturbed.)

JEFF

I saw that movie, The Passion of Christ this week.

MIKE

Oh yeah? How was it?

JEFF

(uneasy) Oh. Good. Good.

MIKE

Was it anti-Semitic?

JEFF

Oh, no, I don’t think so. Not at all, really.

MIKE

Cuz they’re all saying it is.

JEFF

Oh. No. …no. No. …no.

MIKE

What? What is it?

JEFF

Well, it’s just…

MIKE

It is, isn’t it?

JEFF

No, not-- It’s not the movie. The movie’s fine. It’s just that I saw it the other day…

MIKE

Yeah?

JEFF

And now I want to kill Jews.

MIKE

Really? Wow. …How many?

JEFF

Oh. Just a few. Two or three.

MIKE

And you think the movie did this to you?

JEFF

Well… I don’t see how it could. I mean, there’s nothing in the film itself.

MIKE

Anyone specific?

JEFF

Oh no. Of course not. I mean, Barbra Streisand.

MIKE

Sure.

JEFF

And then one or two others.

MIKE

And this started right after the film?

JEFF

Well, not right after.

MIKE

I suppose it could be a coincidence.

JEFF

It has to be.

MIKE

When you say, "not right after", what do you mean? The next day?

JEFF

It was during the film.

MIKE

Oh. Well, that’s troubling.

JEFF

I know.

MIKE

What do you think it was?

JEFF

Well, I dunno. I guess I first noticed it during the beating scene.

They were all beating him with sticks and whipping him and laughing.

MIKE

Those were Romans.

JEFF

W-what?

MIKE

The Roman soldiers were the ones beating him.

JEFF

Then why were they dressed like Jews?

MIKE

They were dressed like Jews?

JEFF

They had on these old fashioned… Jew clothes, like helmets and capes and armored breastplates.

MIKE

Those were Roman centurion costumes. Because they were Roman.

JEFF

Oh, really? Well, but it was more than just that. There was this creepy devil guy slinking around all the time. With really white skin.

MIKE

That was the devil.

JEFF

It was?

MIKE

Yeah, I think so. That’s what I heard.

JEFF

Why was he acting like a Jew?

MIKE

I don’t think he was. He was acting like the devil.

JEFF

Oh. Well, what about all the crowds of people yelling at him and throwing stones and saying, "crucify him"?

MIKE

Those might have been Jews.

JEFF

Okay, cuz those were the ones that really got me. They were following him through the city, spitting on him and calling him names: "Jew! Jew! Pick up your cross, Jew! Don’t bleed on the sidewalk, Jew! Keep walking, Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew!" God I hate that word.

(beat)

MIKE

Um… Is it possibly you were a fuck-up before you saw this movie?

(beat)

JEFF

See! I knew there was nothing wrong with that film!

(BLACKOUT)

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