copyright © 2004 Jeff Goode

So There We Were, Completely Surrounded

by Jeff Goode

original music by Brett Webster


So there we were

     Completely surrounded.

When who should walk in

     But that one guy!

You know who I’m talking about.

The guy from the place.

     What’s his name.

     With the thing.

So he walks in.

     Like it’s nothing. Like nothing’s happened.

And I said — understandably, I think —

     "What the hell??"

Like it’s not nothing, it’s something. That you’re here. Now.

     For no reason.

     Like an act of God.

     Only not a useful act of God.

     More like God fucked up and now you’re here.

     I mean, "What the hell???"

And he looks at me like I am… incomprehensible.

And he says: "What do you mean?"

And I’m thinking:

     What do I mean? What does it look like I mean??

I mean, here we are.

     Middle of God-only-knows.


     He walks in.

And, need I remind you —

     But I don’t want to say anything, because I don’t want to draw attention to it,

     But let’s face it:


About to have I-don’t-know-what done to us

     We can only imagine. Unimaginable.

     Unspeakable, from what I’ve heard.

     Seriously, as God is my witness,

on my mother’s grave, may she rest in peace when she dies,

     The stories I could tell you.

And not just stories.

     Things that actually happened to people.

And here’s this guy.

     Like it’s nothing.

     Like, "Oh, hi! So this is the place.

          So I’m here. Aren’t you gonna introduce me to your friends?"

     Like a prick.


So you know what I’m thinking.

And I look at my partner, who I think is thinking the same thing.

     Cuz we have this thing — you know what I mean

          Where we just-- You just know.

     You just look at each other and:

          Aha. Gotcha. Same page. Right behind you.


And we look at each other.


And we look at him.

And boom!!

          I just bolt.

     Cuz no way they’re expecting that.

And what are they gonna do?

Because there’s two of us, and one of that guy.

     And if we just get the hell out of there…

     They’re gonna go after him, right?

          We’re moving targets.

          He’s just standing there, like a prick.

So I’m running. And I’m running.

And just everything whipping by.

     And things, and "what the–", (ad lib tripping) "Okay, I’m okay."

And I hear screams.

And I run even faster.

And I hear more screams. Only different. Deeper. Deeper screams.

     And I just stop.

And I turn around.

And I don’t know why my partner didn’t…

     I can only assume there was some sort of miscommunication.

Because I dunno why my partner didn’t… Well… You know…

But he was always like that.

     Always getting his signals crossed.

--Because as far as I’m concerned, I was perfectly clear, but… (helpless) You know?

Some people just don’t listen.

…And that’s how I got out alive.


There's this thing I used to do whenever I had to cover for someone on the spur of the moment: I'd jump on stage and say, "So there we were, completely surrounded..." And adlib a few lines until I thought of something better to say. It never went very far, because I really didn't have a story, except that we were completely surrounded and a guy walked in.

In January 2004, while I was enjoying a three hour layover in a Chicago airport on the way to Cedar Falls, Iowa, I decided to write the rest of this monologue to perform at No Shame Theatre that night. Though I ended up performing a previously scheduled monologue in C.F., I brought this piece out at No Shame L.A. a few weeks later, and with Brett Webster on guitar as my "partner", we debuted the piece there.

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