Papal Semen (working title) [ver.1]

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2002

VIRGIN

I'm saving myself.

For the pope.

Not just any pope.

The current pope.

Because no way I'm fucking a dead man.

(She fidgets with her crucifix.)

He's kind of sexy, don't you think? The pope.

There's just something about him.

He seems so... infallible.

Just makes you want to fuck him up. (giggles)

He's really not my type, normally.

I think he's a little old for me.

I mean old old.

Like deathbed old.

[But that's okay, I just need him for one night.]

I bet he's like a 50 year old once you get him in the sack, though.

All that pent up fornication.

It's tough being a virgin. Trust me, I know.

Celibacy sucks ass.

All right, go ahead and snicker.

I know it's hard to believe, in this day and age.

But I've been saving myself since I was a kid.

This isn't something I just decided to do yesterday, you know.

I've been thinking about it for a long time.

When all the other little girls were trying on different boys' last names,

I was thinking, one day, I'm going to be Mr. & Mrs. Pontiff.

Although I don't think they'll let us get married in a church.

Even if he is the pope.

That's all right, though. I don't really believe in marriage anyway.

I'm just in it for the papal semen.

And I knew the only way to get it, was to be a total virgin when I finally meet him.

Because the pope is not going to have sex with just anybody.

It's like my boyfriend says, "You catch more bees with honey." I mean my ex. Don't worry, nothing happened. I told you, I'm saving myself.

In fact, that's main reason we broke up.

He kept pressuring me to go all the way.

And do things I didn't want to do.

He wouldn't respect my decision to remain pure and chaste.

One time, I was sucking his cock, and he tried to tell me it wouldn't be a sin if we did it in the missionary position.

Yeah, right, like I don't know what missionaries do to savages. I'm not stupid.

Boys will say just about anything for sex.

I told him, my body is a temple and the only little bishop that gets to come inside is the bishop of Rome.

I'm very committed to that. Hard core.

It used to be I wouldn't even swallow.

But then somebody told me it was low in calories and high in protein.

So now I do it religiously.

Gotta watch my temple.

We're going to make a great couple. Me and the pope.

I know exactly what I'm going to say when I meet him:

Bless me father for I am about to sin.

Is that the holy spirit in your cassock, or are you just glad to see me?

And I'm not kidding myself.

I know this a long shot.

I mean, the man's a catholic priest, for Christ's sake.

So I brought some gay porn.

And a baster. Just in case.

I hope he's at least partly straight, though.

Because if I'm going to be with the pope,

I'd really like to fuck him in the biblical sense.

Not that I'm religious. Not at all.

I know that's hard to believe, in this day and age.

But that's why I'm doing this.

Because when half the world believes in something

You better believe the other half better get with the program.

You don't want to be the only kid on the block who doesn't believe in the Easter Bunny, when all the other kids are collecting eggs.

You gotta say, "Yes, I believe in the Easter Bunny!"

I believe in an egg-laying magical male rabbit who's so into Jesus that he gives away his colorful unborn children every year to all the kids who go to catechism. Now sign me up for some candy!

(She contemplates the crucifix.)

I bet you could fuck someone up with one of these.

(She smacks it into her palm, like a hammer:)

BAM.

Or like this:

(She waves the crucifix over an imaginary supplicant.)

"You are forgiven!"

(giggles)

"Go forth and sin no more! And if you do, then come on back and we'll try another parish."

When you look at everything that's going on in the world today,

With all the violence and killing and atrocities.

You really have to be on the side of the Christians.

Because they will fuck you up.

When I was twelve years old, I watched three junior high boys beat the hell out of a kid with leukemia. Because he was against God. That's what they kept saying. I guess they didn't like it that he was gay.

I don't know why that would bother them, though, because I don't think he ever made a pass at any of them.

But maybe that's what it was. It's probably very emasculating to think that even the gay guy doesn't want to have sex with you.

So they beat the crap out of him for Jesus, because that's the way God would have wanted it.

But the whole time I was watching it, I kept thinking, why doesn't he just say, "I believe in Jesus, too! He had 12 male escorts, and for his last meal he made them eat his body. And drink his bodily fluids. He's practically a gay icon!"

I mean, I don't remember Tinky Winky ever telling Doubting Thomas to put his fingers in all of his holes.

I think that kid could have saved himself a good whipping if he just told them he was down with the Lord.

That's what I would do if I were in that situation.

But I'm not a very good liar.

I tried to get baptized once.

But when they asked me if I renounced Satan, I just couldn't keep a straight face.

I asked them if I could renounce Darth Vader, too, while I was in there.

They threw me out of the church and told me not to come back.

That's why I want to have the pope's baby.

Then they have to let you join the church.

You know, like the Virgin Mary.

She was Jewish.

But then she automatically got to be Catholic, after she had sex with God.

Now obviously I can't have sex with God.

...Because he's not real.

But the pope's real. I've seen him on TV.

And once you have the pope's baby you're set for life. Morally speaking.

I bet they give you a nice apartment at the Vatican.

And let you drive around in the bulletproof bubble car.

But you have to play your cards right.

You can't just go around telling everybody about it. Not during his lifetime.

Because then it's a scandal and he's disgraced and disbarred.

And then he's not the pope, he's just some dirty, old, ex-priest.

And you can't wait until after he's dead, either.

Because then it's a different kind of scandal.

And obviously you're lying, because why didn't you say anything before?

So then there's inquiries and blood tests.

And it turns out you were right.

But by then it's too late because now his reputation is completely besmirched.

And if he's a saint, then they have him de-sanitized

And turn him into one of those anti-popes.

That's what they have for when they find out later that a pope was a fuck up.

They say "That one didn't count" and they make him an anti-pope.

But I've got it all figured out.

What you have to do is: You come out with it right at the funeral.

Because nobody's going to badmouth the pope at his own funeral.

So you go right up to the coffin

And you say, "Look, Cindy, there's your daddy."

And I'm not saying it wouldn't be awkward at first.

I'm sure everyone would try to act all shocked and surprised.

And a hush would fall over the room.

But they know they can't drag you out and stone you to death right there in front of the body.

And there would be this really tense silence for a moment while they try to figure out the holiest way to kill you.

And somebody would get uncomfortable and say,

"Oh, look, what an adorable little girl."

To try to change the subject.

And just like that, the ice would be broken.

And everyone would crowd around.

And all the nuns would want to hold the child.

And all the bishops and congressmen would want to have their picture taken with the papal baby.

And then once some of those hit the newsstands, you're in.

Because they can't pretend it didn't happen now.

So instead they have to accept it.

Like it was their idea in the first place.

And once it's official, they turn you into some kind of living saint.

And look after you.

Because you're The Virgin Mother.

And then if anybody talks bad about you,

they tie him to a fence and beat the hell out of him.

[And after that, God can go fuck himself.]

And all it takes is a little papal semen.

(She waves the crucifix over the audience in a blessing.)

In nomine patri, et filii, et spiritu sanctu. ...BAM.

• q.v. Anger Box
• q.v. This is every piece I've ever written (10/14/06)