by Jeff Goode

Each person has a covered dish.

I am thankful that we live in a world where killing a Palestinian child is better than killing an American child. Because all of my children are American.

Also I'm thankful that kidnapping a little black girl is not as bad as kidnapping a little white girl, because both of my daughters are white.

I am thankful that the damage my car does to the environment will not effect me, but my grandchildren and their children.

I am thankful that I live in a country where my vote doesn't count because I really have better things to do on a Tuesday night.

I'm thankful that God made little girls, and taught so many of them how to use the internet.

I'm thankful that I have a good lawyer.

I'm thankful that my husband is not a mind-reader, because there are some things I really don't want him to know about until it's too late.

I am thankful for discrimination because I don't have to feel bad when I treat other people like shit / crap.

I'm thankful that I'm a lesbian. Because that's a low-risk group.

I'm thankful that I'm a woman, because the men have everything in this world. And they all want to get in my pants.

I am thankful that my church, at least, forgives me for what I did to that boy.

I'm thankful that I have friends who don't always call me on all my bullshit, like those other fuckers I used to hang out with.

I'm thankful I have my health. Because I'm really not ready to quit smoking.

I'm thankful that I found someone who will love me forever, because that gives me time to find someone else.

I'm thankful that we live in a nation of laws and one of them is the statute of limitations.

I'm thankful for the collapse of the stock market, because that's what I was predicting.

I'm thankful for my medication.

I am thankful that I made enough money this year that being a decent human being is now optional.

I'm thankful that my memory is not what it used to be, because I'm pretty sure I did some fucked up shit.

I'm thankful that no one ever found out. And that's all I'm going to say.

I'm thankful for my successes and my failures. But especially my failures because expectations are so much lower now.

I'm thankful that I lived to see this day because I have 3 brothers who didn't. And I was the one driving.

I'm thankful that I'm a citizen of a great nation because we're going to kick the asses of all the citizens of those other nations.

I'm thankful that I did not contract HIV when I had sex with those three women who I barely knew at that party that one time after we all had way too much to drink and I found them passed out in the basement.

I'm thankful for this day, when we can all gather together and share and feast. And all I had to bring was rolls.

"Thankful" debuted November 29, 2002. Directed by Amy Lynn Pigott. With the following cast: Eric Pot, Christina Romero, Chris Clarke, Brett Webster, Eric Johnson, Knighty, Judy Pot, Sukie Sang Gayle.

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