copyright © 2003 James Erwin
Jesus Christ, Boy Detective
By James Erwin 319-241-1673
Pilate holds Barnabas by the arm. Jesus is in the middle of a smug explanation, while Mary Magdalene gazes adoringly. Judas looks on sullenly.
LIGHTS DOWN AND UP.
Jesus: …So you see, Judge Pilate, this man is guilty by reason of non compos mentis and mens rea, as WELL as habeas corpus!
Pilate: Good enough for me, Jesus! We’ll put this evildoer behind bars. Once again, you’ve saved the day. Sweet Georgia Brown!
Barnabas: I’ll get you for this, Jesus!
Pilate: I don’t think so, Barnabas. You’ll never lend money in the Temple again!
(Pilate drags Barnabas off stage left.)
Magdalene: Jesus, you’re so smart and handsome!
Jesus: Aw, geez, Mary!
Judas: He ain’t so special! He doesn’t even have a bike!
Magdalene: Judas MacPherson, you’re just plain jealous!
Judas: Jealous of him! Fat chance! Why, I think that pretty soon nobody’s gonna be jealous of him! Hahahahaha! (pause) Haha!
(MOB enters stage right. Pilate re-enters stage left.)
Mob #1: That’s him! Arrest him!
Pilate: Waltzing Matilda! What for?
Mob #1: He turned me in for tax evasion!
Mob #2: He gave me a parking ticket!
Mob #3: He made me stop torturing lightning bugs!
Mob #1: We’re sick and tired of his do-gooding! He’s turned our town topsy-turvy!
Mob #2: Let’s run him out of town!
(Mob makes "Yeah!" noises.)
Pilate: Well, flip my griddle-cakes! You oughta be ashamed of yourself. Jesus is the nicest kid in Jerusalem Acres!
Mob #1: Nice or not, he puts a bee in my trousers! Why, I think we should nail him up on a tree and leave him to bake!
(long, long pause)
Pilate: Uh, what are you talking about?
Mob #1: Well, I just think we should put nails through his hands and leave him on a tree to die.
Pilate: Ohhh. Now that’s kind of harsh, Petey. I can’t nail a boy on a tree without showing just cause!
Mob #1: This ain’t one a your fancy book-learnin mobs, Judge! You nail him up or we’ll nail him up for you!
(MOB exits stage right grumbling)
Magdalene: Judge Pilate, you’re not gonna nail Jesus up on a tree, are you?
Pilate: What can I do, little Mary? They’ve got a fork in my porkchop!
Jesus: There must be some mistake! I haven’t done anything wrong! I just run a detective agency!
Judas: Well, I bet you can’t detect your way out of this!
Jesus: Just you wait, Judas! This is my toughest case yet- but I’ll solve it or my name’s not Jesus Fernandez!
(Jesus runs offstage.)
LIGHTS DOWN AND UP.
Every one but Jesus mills around on stage.
Pilate: I told Jesus to be here right at two o’clock! What’s keeping that boy?
(Jesus walks on stage left.)
Jesus: I’m here. And I think you should know something before you nail me up on that tree. Joe Fernandez isn’t really my dad. (everybody gasps) I don’t have a dad- because I’m an orphan! And until yesterday, I thought of this town as my family. Maybe we had our disagreements and maybe we had some fights- but it’s because I love all of you. And I think that deep down you love me.
Mob #1 steps forward.
Mob #1: Aw, gee, Jesus. I didn’t know you was an orphan. I was just funnin. I don’t think we should nail you on a tree. As a matter of fact, I think we should all give a big cheer for Jesus!
ALL: YAY!
Pilate: I’m so happy I’m fit to bust like a hoptoad on a July street! Let’s make some lemonade and have ourselves a jamboree!
Everybody claps and dances.
Magdalene: Looks like you’ve done it again, Jesus!
Jesus: All in a day’s work for a boy detective!
LIGHTS DOWN.
"Jesus Christ, Boy Detective" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Jesus Christ, Boy Detective" debuted February 21, 2003, performed by James Erwin, Chris Stangl, Paul Rust, mob.
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