copyright © 2001 Joshua DeBeer

[slow and somber, sort of depressed sounding]

I never win anything.

No, really, I never win anything. I don't win door prizes, I don't win raffles, I don't win contests, and I've never won the lottery. When I buy a box of Cracker Jacks, I get one that they forgot to put a prize in. If we do the "Secret Santa" thing at work, I invariably get a gift like a box of tissues, a door-stop, or a five-year-old fruitcake.

Or worse.

I shouldn't say that I never win *anything*. I mean, after all, I have won a chance to be entered into a drawing for a million dollar prize. All I have to do is accept a free month's subscription to the magazine of my choice from the pre-selected list below. Feel free to cancel any time, by fax, to the number below, international long distance fees may apply.

[more brightly, getting more excited towards the end of the paragraph]
Imagine my surprise, then, when on my very first visit to No Shame, the ticket that I received upon entering bore the very same numbers that were called out to us just a few moments later. Wow! I won something! A stage prop! This is so cool! The girl that won last time got a walking stick. Will I get a walking stick? If I get anything, it should be at least as cool as a stick, right?

Maybe better!

[slowing down, sounding more depressed]

I won a guitar pick. [holds up guitar pick for everyone to see]

I suppose it's a nice guitar pick. It's not broken, or discolored, or anything. It's plastic, and it bears the words "Fender Medium" in gold lettering. I've never used a guitar pick before. I'd be willing to give it a shot if I had a guitar.

[plays air guitar for a second]

I used to have a guitar, but that was before my kids decided to see if the neck of the guitar would support their weight...

It wouldn't.

Well, now I've won the chance to be entered into a drawing for a million dollar prize, and a... guitar pick.
[shrugs and begins turning away]

[voice calls from the back of the room, loudly]
BK: $500 to the first person that can supply me with a guitar pick!

[Josh looks up with hope and surprise on his face, looks at his guitar pick, and calls out]
Hey! I've got a guitar pic...

[Another voice override's Josh's, loudly]

CJ: Here you go! [hands BK a guitar pick]
BK: Thank you! [Looks at the guitar pick, and hands CJ the check]

[CJ and BK shake hands and return to their places]

[Josh's shoulders slump, and he makes his way dejectedly back to his seat]


"Guitar Pick" debuted December 7, 2001, performed by Josh DeBeer.

[Josh DeBeer's website]

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