I never win anything.
No, really, I never win anything. I don't win door prizes, I don't win raffles, I don't win contests, and I've never won the lottery. When I buy a box of Cracker Jacks, I get one that they forgot to put a prize in. If we do the "Secret Santa" thing at work, I invariably get a gift like a box of tissues, a door-stop, or a five-year-old fruitcake.
I shouldn't say that I never win *anything*. I mean, after all, I have won a chance to be entered into a drawing for a million dollar prize. All I have to do is accept a free month's subscription to the magazine of my choice from the pre-selected list below. Feel free to cancel any time, by fax, to the number below, international long distance fees may apply.
[more brightly, getting more excited towards the end of the paragraph]
Imagine my surprise, then, when on my very first visit to No Shame, the ticket that I received upon entering bore the very same numbers that were called out to us just a few moments later. Wow! I won something! A stage prop! This is so cool! The girl that won last time got a walking stick. Will I get a walking stick? If I get anything, it should be at least as cool as a stick, right?
[slowing down, sounding more depressed]
I won a guitar pick. [holds up guitar pick for everyone to see]
I suppose it's a nice guitar pick. It's not broken, or discolored, or anything. It's plastic, and it bears the words "Fender Medium" in gold lettering. I've never used a guitar pick before. I'd be willing to give it a shot if I had a guitar.
[plays air guitar for a second]
I used to have a guitar, but that was before my kids decided to see if the neck of the guitar would support their weight...
Well, now I've won the chance to be entered into a drawing for a million dollar prize, and a... guitar pick.
[shrugs and begins turning away]
[voice calls from the back of the room, loudly]
BK: $500 to the first person that can supply me with a guitar pick!
[Josh looks up with hope and surprise on his face, looks at his guitar pick, and calls out]
Hey! I've got a guitar pic...
[Another voice override's Josh's, loudly]
CJ: Here you go! [hands BK a guitar pick]
BK: Thank you! [Looks at the guitar pick, and hands CJ the check]
[CJ and BK shake hands and return to their places]
[Josh's shoulders slump, and he makes his way dejectedly back to his seat]
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"Guitar Pick" debuted December 7, 2001, performed by Josh DeBeer.