"Pete"
By, Christopher Clarke
Lights up.
PETE
Hi everybody. Sorry 'bout what happened earlier. I think I've
reached an agreement with the lightboard op. Operator. I guess
I didn't realize that when they say "and it's free," they mean
just for the audience. Thanks for clearing that up, Amy, I
appreciate it.
Pete anticipates the lights going out.
They don't.
PETE
Cool. Um, OK. Um, since I wasn't able to get all the way through
my scene last week, which I'm actually pretty jazzed about....
Those of you who were here last week -- I don't know if you could
tell, but there were a couple of minor technical hiccups.
Pete looks toward the booth.
The lights start no dim.
PETE
No no no! Sorry. Sorry. Just kidding.
(the lights return to full)
Actually, it was probably me who messed up a couple of line cues.
(beat)
So anyway - We're gonna try and get through the whole thing tonight
and I'm gonna need your help. Petra, my lovely scene partner and
platonic friend couldn't make it tonight. I actually haven't been
able to get a hold of her since she had her number changed. In fact,
I haven't been able to get a hold of anyone at all this week.
(beat)
So, I'm gonna need a volunteer from the audience to play Petra. Can
I get a volunteer?
Pete waits and in the event that no one
volunteers, he will pick someone and get
them up onstage.
Pete and his new scene partner ad lib
some introductions and how it went last
week.
PETE
So.... Right. Um, turns out, I only have one copy of the script,
so we're going to have to share, OK?
(beat)
Well, I'll just show it to you when it's your turn.
Pete sets up/explains to his new scene
partner a little bit about what the
character of Petunia is doing.
Pete shows his scene partner the first
set of stage directions.
PETE
Oh yeah. Um, could you put these on?
Someone from the audience hands him
a lighter or matches.
Pete hands his scene partner a pair of
black men's winter gloves.
When both Pete and his scene partner
are ready, they begin:
UNTITLED SCENE:
Petunia is walking briskly across the
stage.
Pete dives and tackles her. He stands
up and starts speaking.
PETE
Man, am I glad I caught you before you started running again.
Thanks for slowing down. What I really mean to say is, I appreciate
it.
(beat)
Look, I know you're busy. It's just that I've written you a poem.
Yeah, and I think it will change your mind.
(beat)
No. Don't say it. I know what you're thinking.
(long pause)
OK. No. I don't know what you're thinking. But wait. Let me take
a guess.
Pete closes his eyes tight and puts his
fingers to his temples. He concentrates
for what seems to be a very very very
long time.
PETE
(finally)
Nope. No idea.
PETUNIA
(she frowns at him)
PETE
Forgive me?
PETUNIA
(she looks away)
PETE
Technically speaking, I'm not really stalking you, right? No
restraining order. No foul.
PETUNIA
(she looks back at him disapprovingly)
PETE
So, how 'bout a poem? Are you ready for a little poetry?
PETUNIA
(she says nothing)
PETE
Alrighty then.
Pete takes out a folded piece of paper.
PETE
It's been a short time.
But a good time.
A good time for me.
And maybe for you.
You don't really know me.
But I sure know you.
You are a treasure worthy of admiration.
Your golden eyes. I appreciate your eyes.
Your breasts.... They rock!
Your flaxen hair. Oh, how I appreciate that.
PETUNIA
(she stares open mouthed)
PETE
You like?
PETUNIA
(pause)
PETE BREAKS THE SCENE:
PETE
Hmmm. There's quite a bit of physical business here in the stage
directions, would someone mind reading this while we act it out?
Pete hands the script to the stage
directions reader.
S.D. READER
(reading)
Pete moves slowly into Petunia. Petunia stands motionless.
Pete moves in closer.
PETE
Wait. I need some gum. Or a breath mint. Can anyone hook me up?
Someone from the audience hooks Pete up
(hopefully).
PETE
OK. Sorry. Could you go from the beginning of the stage
directions?
(indicating on script)
Here. Cool. Wish me luck.
Pete gives SD Reader the thumbs-up.
S.D. READER
Pete moves slowly into Petunia. Petunia stands motionless.
Pete moves in closer. She doesn't resist or even flinch a little.
She accepts him. He kisses her passionately. He moves his left hand
up to her breast. He breaks the kiss to say:
If for some reason the volunteer playing
Petunia is reluctant to follow the stage
directions, Pete will argue. Eventually:
PETE
Dude, I need my script back?
Pete goes back into "character".
PETE
I knew you could love me. I just knew it.
MUSIC CUE.
PETE
Wait. No. That's the wrong track. Try the next track.
MUSIC CUE: SOUND OP advances one track.
Pete goes back into the scene. He stops,
then says:
PETE
Mmmm no. That music's for this other, um, darker piece. Can you go
to the next track?
MUSIC CUE: SOUND OP advances one track.
Pete gives the sound op the thumbs-up and
goes back into the scene.
PETE
I knew you could love me. I just knew it.
(beat)
And you know what? I...I...
(tears begin to well in his eyes)
I appreciate that.
The MUSIC SWELLS as
the LIGHTS FADE.
When we get to black, the MUSIC slowly fades.
THE END
"Pete"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE
DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED
WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Pete" debuted January 24, 2003 with the following cast:
PETE - Christopher Clarke
PETUNIA - Jocelyn Pryde Hughes (volunteered)
S.D. READER - Heather Keller (volunteered)
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