episode eleven.
in the background, the wax figures are lined up, Otis has the bread. Thief is telling child a story in the foreground.
Dad. And just as our whole family was about to be massacred by the forces of light...
(dramatic pause)
...they all went home.
Javert and Deputy come out of their freezes. Mom enters.
Javert. That’s it, I’m hauling you in. Sorry for the intrusion, folks.
Javert grabs Deputy by the scruff of the neck.
Deputy. Wait, I think I have it; My name is Cynthia and I’m Emperor of the Universe. No, wait! Bob! I feel very strongly that my name is Bob. Unhand me, know you not that I, Bob, am King Arthur’s knight?
by this time, they have exited.
Otis and Sandi come out of their freezes. Sandi clutches Otis to her.
Otis. So, you, uh, like the new model Mike O’Malley?
Sandi. Honey, I don’t care about the miles per gallon if I can get a good ride.
Otis. You don’t?
Sandi. Lose that bread and let’s go play with your cruise control.
Otis. This is one metaphor I think I’m going to like!
Otis tosses the bread at the Child’s feet. Otis and Sandi exit.
Suddenly Zack, Roy, Axel, Vera unfreeze. They circle the frightened family.
Zack. Hand us that bread, Child! The forces of darkness are almost ready.
Vera. The child calls to me. I want to slice her open, now. What are we waiting for?
Axel. I’m gonna suck the blood from the old woman’s arteries.
Roy. I love children. They go down good with beer.
Vera. The girl is mine! I have claimed her by the laws of the blood feast.
Axel. The girl si mine to butcher!
Roy. The young girl, Axel, not the old girl. You can have the old one.
Vera. The child’s blood is mine!
Zack. SHUT UP!
(to family) Now, we don’t mean any harm, so give us the bread and no one will get hurt, Honest Injun.
Mom. Give me the bread, honey.
Child gives Mom the bread.
Mom. Make a diversion, dear!
Dad. (jumps up and down) BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!
Mom. Run, child, run!
child runs out thru vomitorium.
Zack. Aghk! Now we’re really pissed!!
one-armed folks stomp around, angry.
Roy. Give us the bread, now, or be killed!!
Mom. Okay.
Mom tosses them the bread.
Dad. What are you doing?! You gave them the bread!
Mom. It’s okay, dear, I know what I’m doing. Just watch.
Zack. Ha! You are wrong! The talisman is complete! You have damned your entire race.
Mom. (to Dad) No, I’m right.
Zack. Now we will summon the Great two armed demon.
one-armed folks bow before the bread, chanting "Hommina hommina hommina..."
Two Arm Demon enters.
Vera. Oh, Great Two Armed Master!
Roy. Oh, Mighty One, we have summoned you to do your will.
Zack. What is your will? Shall we destroy this world? Shall we rape? Shall we murder and burn?
Axel. Silence. Let him speak his will.
pause, the demon says nothing, just grins, but the one-armed folks suddenly begin choking.
they die.
demon exits.
Dad. Waitaminute. They all died. The whole threat to human existence brought about by the weird coincidences of the harmonic convergence has just petered out.
The great forces of light cancelled each other out, then the forces of darkness were destroyed by their god.
Mom. That’s right.
Mom exits.
All the wax figures return to their poses. Otis has the bread.
Child returns.
Dad. ...So everything was Okay.
Child. Then nothing matters, does it?
Dad. That’s right. All this time I was afraid the forces of light would get me or the forces of darkness would get me or the law would get me or bad luck would catch up with me, but there’s no such thing as harmonic convergence and luck. Or eve if there were ‘mighty forces’ in the world, they don’t matter. You shouldn’t’ spend your time worrying about them or hiding from them, Because they always cancel each other out... Light and Darkness, Good luck and Bad luck, Law and Chaos, Democrat and Republican, Corporations and Unions, even Mom and Dad. They cancel each other out and the only one who can solve your problems is you.
Child. Even though I’m not as big as the forces of Darkness, I shouldn’t be afraid because they don’t matter.
Dad. That’s right.
Otis unfreezes.
Otis. Forces of Darkness Beware!
Otis clubs Dad, killing him.
Otis drops bread.
Otis exits.
Child. (screams)
then she calms down. the Child tears open the bread package.
Child. This is just old bread!
Dad. (coming back to life) That’s right! So if it looks like Fate and Darkness and the whole world are ganging up on you, Just remember, nobody matters but you.
they start to exit through vomitorium
Dad. (singing as they exit:)
Don’t let it get you down, Grapehead.
Don’t’ let it get you down.
‘Cause you know tomorrow there’ll be wine on the table
and it won’t be from your brain,
So,
Don’t let it get you down, Grapehead.
Don’t let it get you down.
‘Cause you know tomorrow there’ll be wine on the table
and it won’t be from your brain.
the end
FARMER Sean Clark
MIKE O'MALLEY Mike Moran
ANNIE JAVERT Cheryl Snodgrass
ROGER Todd McNerney
OLD JAKE Brad Schnurr
THIEF Dan Gurler
PAT RAMSEY Bonnie Metzgar
ROGER (2) Dean Schmitt
SANDI Michele Sohner
OTIS Frank Ensenberger
ROGER (3) Jeri Schulke
ONE-ARMED MAN Brad Schnurr
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