copyright © 1999 Nick Clark

Picket by Nick "Sexy Has Never Been My Middle Name And I Will No Longer Tolerate These Slanderous Lies, Okay, Well, Maybe Just a Little" Clark

[Lights up. A bunch o folks is standin' onstage marching in an oval. Bobo wears a sandwich board or carries a picket sign which says that Life is Unfair.]

BOBO
Life is unfair.

HOAGIE
We demand change.

FUMP
Hell no, we won't We won't Hey, Bobo, what is it that we're not doing?

BOBO
What?

FUMP
Well, seems to me if we're protesting the unfairness of life, if we're staging a picket, we should be striking from something.

BOBO
Like we should commit suicide to protest life's futility?

FUMP
It would be in keeping with the picket motif.

BOBO
Makes sense to me. [Pulls out gun and shoots himself in the head, blows smoke from barrel, dies. The picket line stops. ]

FUMP
It was a hypothetical question. [The picket line continues. The protesters have to step over BOBO's body. FUMP picks up the sign from BOBO.]

HOAGIE
We demand change.

FUMP
Life is too futile. We demand fairness.

[Enter POOPIE]

POOPIE
Hey, picketing life's futility?

GRANDILLIMO
Yup.

POOPIE
Cool. Good luck. Fight the good fight, and stick it to the man!


GRANDILLIMO
We will, or die trying.

[Exit POOPIE he has to step over BOBO's body .]

[THE MAN enters ]

THE MAN
[Addressing FUMP] Hi. We've heard your demands and I think we're willing to negotiate.

FUMP
'Kay. [The picket line stops and FUMP and THE MAN sit down at the negotiating table. The others crowd 'round and watch the negotiations intently .]

THE MAN
So, your problem with life is what exactly?

FUMP
Um, it's unfair to us. Also, it's futile.

THE MAN
Let's deal with the unfairness issue first. How do you recommend we address this issue?

FUMP
To be honest I never expected we'd get this far Mr....

THE MAN
Oh, I'm The Man. How do you do, Mr. Fump? [Reaches out to shake hand s.]

GRANDILLIMO
Aha! [Leaps up and sticks "it" to the man. Then he sis dow n.]

THE MAN
[Be at] So I guess we're all settled then?

FUMP
Uh, yeah? Okay. [THE MAN exits. FUMP walks over t o HOAGIE.]

HOAGIE
How'd it go.

FUMP
Great. He has mints in a dish on his desk. I snagged a handful. Would you like some?

HOAGIE
Yeah sure.[FUMP hands him a mint, and mints to the rest of the protesters. They all suck on them loudl y.] And the negotiations?

FUMP
I got mints. You can't rush these things.



HOAGIE
Hey, I've got a wife and two children at home. If I can't see the point in feeding them, and keeping a roof over their head, why should I bother?

FUMP
Because your mother would be disappointed in you?

HOAGIE
She's dead.

FUMP
But she might still be looking down on you from heaven.

HOAGIE
Oh, she's not in heaven.

FUMP
Do you think the author will ever find an end to this No Shame bit?

HOAGIE
No. Now back to my wife and kids.

GRANDILLIMO
They just died. It's in the paper. You don't have to bother not bothering to care about them.

FUMP
Your wife and kids are dead. That's four people died as a result of this No Shame bit. That seems pretty conclusive to me.

HOAGIE
But this bit is about life's futility. And you can't tell me you actually have any sympathy for any of those people?

FUMP
So how do you propose we end this turkey?

HOAGIE
We don't end it. The point we're trying to get across here is that life is tedious, boring and pointless. This bit should mirror life's tedium, boredom and pointlessness as much as possible.

FUMP
Fuck that. [Takes the gun fro m BOBO's hand and shoots everybody on stage except himself. When the gun runs out, he uses another gun which he has on him. He stands for a secon d.]Lights down![The Lights STAY UP. FUMP fires into the audience, singing "My Way" like Sid Viciou s.] Lights Down! [The lights stay up. FUMP shoots himself and dies. The lights DO NOT go down. After a while. ..] Lights down! [Lights do not go down. FUMP gets up, shoots at the light booth. The lights go down immediate ly.]
"Picket" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Picket" debuted November 19, 1999.

Nick Clark was Fump, Mike Cassady was Grandillimo, Ryan somebody was Bobo, Mark Hansen was Hoagie, Balls Campbell was Poopie, Al Angel was The Man.


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