Arlen Lawson Plays "Horp" In This Skit by Nick Clark

ARLEN LAWSON PLAYS HORP IN THIS SKIT BY NICK CLARK
BY NICK CLARK

[ARLEN as HORP walks in circles and figure-eights and things. He has a hook where his left hand ought to be. On the hook is a shoe. HORP's other hand is always in his pants pocket, except when he needs it to look at the script. BRAD as BLOFF holds a loudly colored shirt. BLOFF sings the Oscar Meyer Weiner song, improvising new verses. HORP stops pacing and BLOFF starts talking instead of singing. ]

BLOFF
I intend to weave this iridescent shirt through the window that's what.

HORP
You could do that but you would miss the buzzing group.

BLOFF
Unbelievable! This whole town is under an annoying impression of good luck

HORP
Spank them with your plywood skullcap mon cherie.

BLOFF
Never in a long makeup case have I seen such pedestrian devotion to an Horrific ideal of the Antarctican Dream. Spear me you inconsequential hook hand, you mongrel and dislodge the shoe it carries.

HORP
Munch! You smell like hair!

BLOFF
Hair layered in greasy glue or blue paint?

HORP
In plywooden helmet, thou loud faced scoundrel.

BLOFF
You are none to brag you underling of fashion with your nose brightly impelled to the center of your head and outstretched in rattishness

HORP
I need the nose I have in order to block the premature inhalation of the earth in your unjustly exaggerated black hole.

BLOFF
What I keep between my lips is my business you immature strawberry.

HORP
When your mouth is open it becomes everybody's business or so the ears have told me.

BLOFF
You clandestine monkey wrench! You frequent kneed isometric!

HORP
Are you quite finished?

BLOFF
Yes or no.

HORP
I have meandering to perform among the seed garden.

BLOFF
Yes yes. meander upon your electrician booted midget feet.

HORP
Ye hast no right to squawk disparagingly about feet.

BLOFF
Why not

HORP
a footless man cannot understand the labor of the impractically footed.

BLOFF
By god I tribulate annually upon the sad fate of having had my feet replaced with three ring binders before I learned to walk. Whilst you may need to hide away your good hand simply to operate your hip from that insidious pants pocket of yours I simply stand in one corner unable to relocate my body atop three ring binders. So do your meandering, see if I don't turn out with jealousy.

[Enter SWAL]

HORP
Ah but not soon enough. It seems with pajamas worn on his wiry frame like a 3 piece suit. Come in come in stranger and have a seat. [SWAL sits. ]

BLOFF
What the hell do you want? [SWAL stands ]

SWAL
I couldn't help but notice your angry words and speechless maniacism. I thought I should offer mine services in the spectacular art of resolution of sibling rivalry. What's your relationship to me?

HORP
He's me sister. She was trying to play matador with his shirt out the window when we passed by a big bunch of bulls.

SWAL
Did he get it back?

HORP
The bunch of bulls? Yes.

SWAL
No, the plywood helmet.

HORP
Well, she's wearing it right now.

SWAL
Do you have any tea?

HORP
I have uncreamy tea. Would you like some.

SWAL
Well, I love uncreamy tea, but I can't drink it.

HORP
Allergies?

SWAL
No, I have no hands.

BLOFF
No hands, my dog, how groomed you must be! Sample.

HORP
Is there a way to introduce this tea to your munching place?

SWAL
If you unzip my pajamas you'll find a valve to my esophagus. You can pour it down there.

BLOFF
I'd do it but I have no feet with which to amble in your direction.

HORP
[Tries with the hook. The shoe is still on it. ] I can't get a good hold of the zipper.

SWAL
Let go of the shoe first.

HORP
Incongruous pineapple! Italians save shoes by licking them. No hand piles justice!

SWAL
Why don't you use your right hand?

HORP
I have to use it to hold my script or operate my hip from its secrety sexual garden deep in the crevasses of my pants pocket.

PERSON IN AUDIENCE
[Emerging from audience onto the stage. ]This skit sucks my penis, bitch. It makes me die.[Dies. ]

SWAL
No tea? I'm fired. Go away.

[Everyone sits on something and improvises Oscar Meyer wiener lyrics until the lights person gets sick of it. The lights explode, showering the stage in sparks and hot glass. The actors die of severe burns. The audience dies of scurvy. A reanimated corpse of Charles Dickens can't get into the theater, so he shoots himself with a blow-gun and dies. The President declares a National Sponge. ]
"ARLEN LAWSON PLAYS HORP IN THIS SKIT BY NICK CLARK" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Arlen Lawson Plays Horp In This Skit by Nick Clark" debuted November 5, 1999 performed by Arlen Lawson, Brad Smith, and Nick Clark as the audience member.

[Nick Clark's Web Site]

[Back to:

Library]