MR. LYMON
Don't know for sure if I heard about medicinal urine drinking before or
after I heard
about golden showers. I can tell you that neither idea 'specially appealed
to me.
A warm glass a pee's not my idea of a beverage any more'n gettin' pissed
on's my
idea a hanky panky. Hanky panky's stickin' yer dork in yer wife's honey
hole and that's
it. No stickin' yer dork other places, no whips and chains, no pissin'' on
people
and what the hell is this idea you're supposed to move your dork around in
there
for? Good book never said nothin' 'bout movin' your dork around in there.
Eat, drink and
be merry, take it easy on the seventh day, but nothin' 'bout wigglin' yer
dork.
I ain't gonna wiggle my dork 'less the Lord tell me to. Sorry there Floyd.
I got
a little sidetracked there. What was I talkin about a minute ago? Oh
yeah. Now, Floyd, you
been in the world what now? Seventeen years. Seventeen years you been
alive. You
seen Christmas seventeen times, ain'tch'a? Well, ain'tch'a?
FLOYD
Yes.
MR LYMON
Yes you seen Christmas seventeen times. How many Christmasses you seen
'fore you
figgered out there weren't no Santy Claus?
FLOYD
Seven.
MR LYMON
Seven times. That makes [counts on finger
s] ten times you seen Christmas knowin' there ain't no Santy Claus, ain't
that right,
Floyd?
FLOYD
Well, when I was ten
MR LYMON
Don'cha start on that again, Floyd. You may try an try but 'till the lord
send down
an angel and tell me otherwise, you never gone' convince me Santa Claus
beat you
up when you was ten.
FLOYD
Don'cha remember the bruises, Dad?
MR LYMON
Floyd, if you had bruises on your face, I put 'em there myself. Now tell
me what
is this? [shows the photograp
h]
FLOYD
Dad.
MR LYMON
What is it?
FLOYD
You know what it is.
MR LYMON
I know what it is. You tell me.
FLOYD
It's a photograph.
MR LYMON
It's a photograph of you isn't it?
FLOYD
Yes Dad.
MR LYMON
It's the same photograph of you your mother and me and your two little
brothers found
in their christmas stockings, isn't it?
FLOYD
Yes, dad.
MR LYMON
And who put it there.
FLOYD
Sant Claus put it there dad! I don't expect you to believe me. But Santa
Claus took
that picture. I saw him.
MR LYMON
You know what son? Let's just say for now Santa Claus did take those
pictures. Why'ncha
tell me what you's doin in them.
FLOYD
Dad!
MR LYMON
G'wan, Say it!
FLOYD
It's called a golden shower.
MR LYMON
A golden shower, huh. An who else's in this picture givin' you that golden
shower,
huh?
FLOYD
Dad, there's just me in that photo.
MR LYMON
That's right. So if there's just you, who's givin you that golden shower?
FLOYD
I'm givin' it to myself.
MR LYMON
[gesturing to au
dience] Why'oncha show all your aunts and uncles an' grandparents how you
was givin
yourself a golden shower.
FLOYD
Dad!
MR LYMON
Oh! You're too decent, too shy to sho
w them. Yet you wasn't too decent to take pictures of it an use 'em as
stocking stuffers,
was ya?
FLOYD
Dad, that was Santa!
MR LYMON
Shut up an' show 'em! [FLOYD begins to get into the pos
ition.] I never read 'bout Santa in the Bible. Oh, let me guess, he come
right after
the three wise men and stuff some chocolates into baby Jesus' socks. That
right?
Floyd, you make me SICK! See what you was doin? Now whyoncha tell me who
take
that picture. No way you was holdin' the camera and doin
' that at the same time.
FLOYD
Dad, Santa forced me
MR LYMON
How the hell anyone could force a boy to
do that is beyond me. Ya couldn't force me ta piss at my own mouth not
with a gun
or if I was thirsty or nothin'
FLOYD
[still in the embarrasing p
osition] FUCK YOU DAD! You don't know! You weren't there. San
ta did come last night, and he did take those pictures of me pissing at my
mouth.
I didn't think he'd show them to anybody. I didn't know.
[LIGHTS TO 1/2.
enter GABRIEL]
GABRIEL
Mister Lymon, do you know who I am?
MR LYMON
No. How the hell'd you get in here?
GABRIEL
I am [me
lodrama] The Angel Gabriel!
MR LYMON
Shit chy'are!
GABRIEL
Aw, fuck it. I'm too tired to argue with you. Someone's been posing as
Santa Claus
to take advantage of kids, beat them up and take lewd photos of them.
[FLOYD
gets up] I have taken it upon myself to find out who.
MR LYMON
Yer the fuckin faggot took those pictures a my boy Floyd, ain'tcha?
GABRIEL
Oh, fuck you. [Pulls out a gun and
aims at MR LYMON. Before he can
fire, JESUS shouts deifically from the a
udience.]
JESUS
Gabriel. This is God.
GABRIEL
Really?
JESUS
No, dummy. It's just me, Jesus. Dad says not to shoot the hillbilly.
GABRIEL
Aww, why the hell not? He's a cock.
JESUS
[Emerges from the
audience.]Give me the gun. [GABR
IEL gives JESUS t
he gun. JESU
S shoots GABRIEL who dies an
gelical
ly.] [To MR LYMON] Sir, the boy's a pervert and a liar. [begin
s to exit] Mr Lymon thank you for never wiggling your dork.
"Yer In the Golden Shower of Jesus' Love: Santa Claus Pt. 2"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED,
PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE
AUTHOR
"Yer In the Golden Shower of Jesus' Love: Santa Claus Pt. 2" debuted October 22, 1999.
Floyd was played by Jamal River, Gabriel was played by Chris Stangl, Nick Clark played Mr.
Lymon, and Al Angel played Jesus.
Library]
