copyright © 1999 Nick Clark

SANTA CLAUS IS A PRICK: PART I
by Nick Clark and the Lebanese Wheels of Soul

GABRIEL
Hey.

VINNIE
What?

GABRIEL
Can you guess who I am?

VINNIE
Yeah, you're the angel Gabriel.

GABRIEL
[Disappointed ]This entrance was supposed to be more dramatic.

VINNIE
Next time lose the nametag and wings.

GABRIEL
I'll bear that in mind.

VINNIE
Have a seat. Take a load off. [GABRIEL sits. ] You the real angel Gabriel?

GABRIEL
Yep. Want proof? I know your Santa Claus story. You were ten years old and you had finally managed to stay up late enough to see Santa. Only when he came down the chimney, he saw you and said "Fuck your turkey! Fuck your Barbie dream house!" then he called you a cunt and knocked you over and started beating you with his bag of toys until you were bleeding.

VINNIE
I never told anyone that story. I didn't think they'd believe me. Okay. So you're the angel Gabriel. Would you like some coffee?

GABRIEL
Oh, I avoid caffeine as a rule.

VINNIE
I thought that was just Moroni.

GABRIEL
No. My analyst recommended quitting caffeine. I've been having problems with anxiety Well. I've got nothing to do tonight. What are you up to?

VINNIE
Some fucker cast me for this lame No Shame sketch, but other than that I'm free. You wanna get a beer or something?


GABRIEL
What!? [Laughing ]It was a joke. You thought the angel Gabriel wanted to take you out on a Friday night? Jesus Christ!

[Enter JESUS]

JESUS
What is it now, Gabe?

GABRIEL
What? Oh, sorry. We were just taking your name in vain.

JESUS
Fuckers. [JESUS exits. ]

GABRIEL
Crap! You'd think he'd be used to it by now!

VINNIE
Yeah.

JESUS
[Offstage ] Hey Gabriel!

GABRIEL
Yeah!

JESUS
Haha! How do you like it! Shithead!

VINNIE
What a jerk. I hope he dies.

JESUS
Already did, asshole!

VINNIE
Nobody's talking to you, Jesus. [To GABRIEL] What was it that you wanted to ask to me about?

GABRIEL
Well, we're looking for someone to bear the son of God. We thought maybe you'd do it for us.

VINNIE
What are you talking about? I'm a man.

GABRIEL
You must not read Scientific American.

VINNIE
Okay, okay. So, what about you-know-who [Gestures toward JESUS]


GABRIEL
Well, I mean, you saw what he's like

VINNIE
Right, right. Still, it doesn't sound like much fun.

GABRIEL
It's religion. It's not supposed to be fun.

VINNIE
Oh. Yeah. I guess you're right. Okay. I'll do it.

GABRIEL
Great. [They stand. GABRIEL shakes VINNIE's hand. ] Welcome aboard, son. [GABRIEL exits. ]

VINNIE
Jesus Christ.

JESUS
Fuck you!


[Lights down. ]
"SANTA CLAUS IS A PRICK: PART I" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Santa Claus Is a Prick: Part I" debuted September 24, 1999.

Chris Stangl played Gabriel, Nick Clark played Jesus and Jared somebody played Vinnie.


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