LIGHTS DOWN AND UP on a Clerk sitting at desk working with forms. Jesus sits in an adjacent chair.

Next?

JESUS
(the only person in the room, looks around, steps up) Is this the unemployment line?

CLERK
Yes, as the sign outside clearly reads. You'd like to apply?

JESUS
Well...(hesitates)

CLERK
It's a simple question, sir.

JESUS
Yes! Yes I'm here to apply!

CLERK
Okay. Name? (begins writing on form)

JESUS
I am Christ your Lord.

CLERK
Right, okay. (writing) Is that your full name Mr. Lord?

JESUS
No, I am Jesus of Nazareth.

CLERK
So, the name is Jesus of Nazareth, Christ your Lord?

JESUS
There will be no others before me...

CLERK
(thrusts paper at Christ) Here you write it!

JESUS
Fine. (begins writing)

CLERK
Wait a minute, weren't you a part of that whole "Christianity" thing?

JESUS
Yeah.

CLERK
What happened to that gig?

JESUS
We filed for bankruptcy.

CLERK
No shit. What broke you?

JESUS
Well, we lost a lot of business after that whole "end of the world" fiasco. Once everybody moved underground to hide their already hideously mutated bodies from the barren nuclear wasteland on the surface-it became difficult to advertise. We lost some of our best people. And I guess supposedly we were "responsible for all life on the planet"...yada yada yada.

CLERK
Yeah, I bet some would be kinda' pissed. (pause) I was never a believer myself.

JESUS
Yeah, we always had trouble with your demographic.

CLERK
But don't think I didn't try. Because I did.

JESUS
Whatever. Talk to me three weeks ago buddy.

CLERK
Tell me about it. Before the radiation poisoning I could leave the office without getting stared at all the time.

JESUS
What is it? (looking him over) I don't see any major deformities.

CLERK
I guess mostly it's just a self esteem, paranoia thing.

JESUS
I see.

CLERK
Plus this extra testicle growing on the back of my neck. (turns to show him)

JESUS
(flinches) Jesus Christ!

CLERK
(pause) Are you allowed to take your own name in vain?

JESUS
I guess so. Who's gonna stop me now?

CLERK
Point taken. (pause) I can't believe I said the word testicle to Jesus Christ.

JESUS
Don't worry about it. Asshole.

They laugh.

CLERK
Hey, I'm just about to close up shop. Wanna go get pissed?

JESUS
Hmmm....I probably shouldn't.

CLERK
Maybe get some unleavened bread? Eh?

JESUS
You don't even know what that is, do you?

CLERK
I read about it someplace...

JESUS
The Bible?

CLERK
Whatever.

JESUS
Let's go. (they begin to leave) Are you Hebrew?

CLERK
No

JESUS
Great. First round's on you!

CLERK
Fucker.

They exit, laughing.
LIGHTS DOWN

"Religious Satire #413" debuted September 17, 1999.

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