copyright © 1999 Mike Cassady
"RELIGIOUS SATIRE #24" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE
DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE
EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
RELIGIOUS SATIRE #24
or
Jesus of Nazareth Kicks Back
By: Mike "Sacrilege" Cassady
LIGHTS UP on Jesus and two of his friends lay
out stargazing.
SAMMY
Hey Jesus, wanna pass me another beer?
CHRIST
Yeah man, here u go. (passes him a beer)
DICKCRAMP
How many is that for you Sammy?
SAMMY
Just seven.
CHRIST
Don't go too far, remember last time we were out here? You ended up riding DickCramp here
back into town like a mule.
SAMMY
The worst part was that he didn't even mind.
DICKCRAMP
No, the worst parts were the amazing cramps in my dick.
CHRIST
Man, that's digusting.
DICKCRAMP
Sorry J.
(beat)
SAMMY
You know, there's nothing more beautiful than a sky like this one tonight.
DICKCRAMP
Isn't it amazing? Sitting out here in the middle of the desert, stargazing. Man, I wish somebody
would invent the telescope already. I mean, shit, people are already talking about indoor
plumbing, don't you think somebody could get a move on here? (pause) Hey, look at that one
over there! (pointing to a star)
CHRIST
Yeah, my dad made that.
The two boys look over at Christ, pause and go back to drinking
SAMMY
Look over there, I think that's a planet!
DICKCRAMP
What the fuck is a planet?
SAMMY
I don't know, humans as a civilization won't discover them for centuries.
CHRIST
(bored with their stupidity) Planets are large clumps of matter floating in the infinite
space my dad made.
Another pause as the boys look to Christ again, they shrug and continue talking
SAMMY
Great beer.
DICKCRAMP
More of that imported Roman stuff?
SAMMY
Yeah, kills me to drink something Romans made, but, you know...anything to get a little crucified
once in awhile.
CHRIST
Actually, if it makes you feel any better, by dad created that beer, not the Romans.
SAMMY
(outraged) All right Jesus, I've had just about enough. I've put up with your bullshit ever
since the third grade. And don't kid yourself man, there was hardly a waiting list to become your
friend back then. Nobody besides me so much as looked at you after you resurrected the class
ferret for show-and-tell.
DICKCRAMP
Settle down, dude.
SAMMY
No, no, it's time that I told him. Jesus, you're a conceited mother fucker.
CHRIST
(pauses, looking to Sammy) I forgive you.
SAMMY
Will you stop saying that? (sets beer down and stands) I don't need to be forgiven!
CHRIST
Your sins have been absolved.
SAMMY
I said enough with the forgiveness bullshit, you're starting to freak me out!
DICKCRAMP
Sammy...
CHRIST
Do I need to prove it to you? (starts reaching towards Sammy)
SAMMY
No, get the fuck away from me!
DICKCRAMP
Not this again...
CHRIST
Why don't you give me a chance?
SAMMY
I'm not gonna let you turn my wallet into bread again, you already owe me four hundred dollars!!
CHRIST
Your material belongings mean nothing...
SAMMY
To you maybe! I've got bills, and I'm still paying off that pillar of fire stunt you pulled at The
Gap for Hebrews™ last week.
CHRIST
There's no way that shit was authentic...
SAMMY
That's not the point! DickCramp you wanna help me out a little here?
DICKCRAMP
First of all leave me out of this! And second, will you guys please stop calling me that?
CHRIST
(mockingly) Calling you what? Dickcramp? Dickcramp! Dickcramp!
SAMMY
(laughing) I love you Jesus.
DICKCRAMP
You guys are assholes.
SAMMY
Yeah, but assholes that'll be riding you into town tonight!
CHRIST
He's got a valid point.
DICKCRAMP
Shit.
LIGHTS DOWN
"Religious Satire #24" debuted September 3, 1999.
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