copyright © 1994 JoAnne Butcher

AY PAPI!

by JoAnne Butcher

and the Miami No Shame Players

MUSIC UP

LIGHTS UP, Characters are in struck poses, a tableau.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Good Evening and Welcome to Ay Papi!

ALL

Ay Papi!

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Ay Papi, where the blood runs hot and the sangria is cold. Where the men are men, and the women are women…and some of the men are women…and a few of the women are men, but there’s not too many of those. Starring Adam Hahn as REYNALDO.

As they are announced, actors cross center and utter their line.

REYNALDO

(swarthy) I love to love all the women that I love.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Tony Trout as Don Pedro

DON PEDRO

The people are my sheep. They flock, I herd. Sheeeeeeep.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Megan Gogerty as Anna Maria.

ANNA-MARIA

(crosses herself) I love God above all things. But mess with me, buster, and I kill you.

NARRATOR

Brooks Peck as Carlos

CARLOS

(kisses Anna-Maria on the cheek) I love my wife. (eyeing Reynaldo) No, really I do.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Mike Rothschild as Esteban

ESTEBAN

(Crosses w/ confidence, then breaks into tremulous fear) Help.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Danielle Santangelo as Lolita

LOLITA

(orgasmic) Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes!!!! I do love shopping at Neiman Marcus.

NARRATOR

Karen Moeller as….

She is holding a gun. Everyone gasps.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

And John Smick as the statue of Jesus. Last week on Ay Papi! (repeated), AY PAPI! Reynaldo discovered his twin cousin had kidnapped his mistress, Lupe…the fourth mistress to be kidnapped, that month. Ana-Maria dreamt that God told her to buy a new toaster, and so…she bought a new toaster. Luke rescued Laura from Scorpio only two days after having his gall bladder removed.

The characters, confused begin to break from their positions.

Alan and Bobbi conspired to steal the Cartwright’s fortune. And the new emergency room administrator….

LOLITA

Emergency room?

Anna-Maria

(to Narrator) Hey! Estupido! That was last week on General Hospital.

ALL

Ohhhh

ANNA-MARIA

(to Narrator) Mess up again, buster, and I KILL you.

NARRATOR

Um… And now, AY PAPI! (repeated) Ay Papi!

Anna-Maria scrubs the floor in front of the Statue of Jesus. She stops to pray, climbing up the statue in her intensity.

ANNA-MARIA

Please, please help me. I beg you, father, to listen to the prayers of a weak and feeble woman. I need your help to help me in my helplessness. They–they being my husband, Carlos–want to take me from my love, Reynaldo. I love him. I love him and his swarthy man chest. And with your help, I will have him–AFTER I TAKE HIM BACK FROM THAT BITCH, LOLITA. I KILL HER. I KILL…

Don Pedro Enters.

ANNA-MARIA

Ah, Don Pedro, you have caught me red-handed…

DON PEDRO

Yes, my child.

ANNA-MARIA

…cleaning the church floor, and praying for my sick Aunt, who has her some of this cirrhosis of the liver.

DON PEDRO

Anna-Maria, I’ve been wanting to ask you…

ANNA-MARIA

Yes, Father?

DON PEDRO

Would you care to dance?

Music plays.

They dance. Carlos Enters. Anna-Maria spies him.

Music stops.

Anna-Maria

Ay Papi!

ALL

Ay Papi!

DON CARLOS

Why Carlos, we were just polishing the silver. How are you?

Carlos tries to speak

Anna-Maria

Yes, the silver. For the wedding. I am glad you are in time.

Carlos tries to speak.

DON PEDRO

The groom will be here any moment.

Karen enters and shoots Carlos, as he is about to speak. She exits. Anna-Maria begins screaming and crying, and tearing at her hair.

ANNA-MARIA

Thank you, God. Now I am at last free for my…Reynald-O.

REYNALDO enters. She faints.

REYNALDO

This is a sight to raise the passion of any hot-tempered Latin man. An honorable caballero, struck down in his game.

Don Pedro begins administers last rites. Reynaldo interrupts, pushing the body away with his foot.

REYNALDO

But enough. Today is the day Reynaldo unveils his most manly plot yet to win the lady of today’s passion.

ESTEBAN enters. REYNALDO sees him and quickly tip-toes to hide behind the statue of Jesus.

ESTEBAN

Is this where the wedding is at? I’m getting married to my high school sweetheart, the sweet and lovely Lolita. Oh, Don Pedro, I must ask you a very important question.

DON PEDRO

Yes, my son?

ESTEBAN

Just before my father died–on the last episode–he said to me. "Esteban, the birds, the bees, you must learn how to please, aaaaahhhhhhh….

Don Pedro

Aaaaaahhhhhhh?

ESTEBAN

Well, he was falling off a cliff.

Don Pedro

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh. Let’s dance.

Music starts. Everyone dances. Reynaldo with Anna-Maria, Don Pedro with Esteban. Carlos rises and dances with Karen.

REYNALDO

(aside) I will take the sweet and lovely Lolita from this fool and he won’t even notice.

ANNA-MARIA

(aside) I will take Reynaldo from the sweet and lovely Lolita and I will kill her.

Lolita enters, looking anything but sweet. Music stops.

Carlos falls back dead. Karen exits.

LOLITA

I am the sweet and lovely Lolita.

Reynaldo drops Anna-Maria and rushes to her. They tango and kiss passionately. Lolita breaks the kiss.

LOLITA

Leave me alone, you Puto!

She slaps him. Over the following exchange, they slap each other after each line. Esteban and Don Pedro provide the slapping sounds, falling off-rhythm completely.

Reynaldo and Lolita

I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you.

Reynaldo

I…pardona me.

Reynaldo crosses and slaps Esteban and Don Pedro, then crosses back.

Reynaldo

I don’t know how I feel about you.

Lolita

It does not matter. I am marrying Carlos…I mean Esteban because I love him.

Anna-Maria

Good, then Reynaldo is mine.

Reynaldo

Lolita is mine

Lolita

(pointing at Esteban) His money is mine.

REYNALDO

There is a simple answer. Esteban, I challenge you to a duel.

Esteban

Ay Papi!

All

AY PAPI.

Freeze. MUSIC starts

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Join us next Friday when Carlos says…

He rises up and falls back down

All on a new espisode of Ay Papi!

ALL

Ay Papi!

QUICK FADE TO BLACK

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