THE INTERVIEW

by Adam Burton and Chris Okiishi

2/27/98

[Two people seated at a "desk" (the table) centerstage. Man is behind desk, "woman" is on other side.]

INTERVIEWER [shuffling through papers]: So, Ms.... Lapinsky?

LEWINSKY: Lewinsky. Monica Lewinsky.

INTERVIEWER: Yes, yes. As you know, this is the final interview required to approve your application for service as a White House intern. I feel it my duty to warn you that this is a psychological interview. Your actions, reactions, body language, as well as the content of your answers will all be carefully scrutinized by a highly trained professional (myself) prior to approval. Don't be nervous, but we will be taking into account nearly every gesture and linguistic inflection you offer. Make sure to show us why you should be allowed to serve in the White House. Do you understand?

LEWINSKY [batting eyelashes]: Yes, sir.

INTERVIEWER: So first, just tell me why you want to be a White House intern.

LEWINSKY: Okay, well, I figured it would be the best way I could service--I mean, serve my country. [bats eyelashes some more, reaches over to touch interviewer's hand.] Am I doing okay so far?

INTERVIEWER [taking her hand and setting it back over near her somewhere]: Now, now, Ms. Lewinsky, it's my job to gather information, not to divulge it. Moving right along... What first made you consider this line of work?

LEWINSKY: Well, I was at a pool party, with this senator's son, and, well, he was just so fun to be around, ya know? It was a beautiful sunny day and there were tons of people there and he came over to me and started talking, and next thing you know he was getting all, like, hot and bothered, and sweat was running down his forehead, and I could tell he was having trouble thinking straight, so I said, "let's go somewhere quieter," and so I told my friends we were going inside to get some water, ya know, because like the kitchen was right next to his bedroom, so we went in there and we laid down and--

INTERVIEWER: Excellent! You are so perceptive to recognize the signs of heat stroke before it became a dangerous situation. Excessive sweating, loss of coherent thought, best treated with fluids, shade, and rest. How incredibly admirable of you.

LEWINSKY: Okay, whatever, so then he was on top--

INTERVIEWER [interrupting]: I'm afraid we have to move on to the second part of this assessment. Have you ever done free associations before?

LEWINSKY: Only in college, but then I was in a sorority.

INTERVIEWER: Excellent, so this should be no trouble whatsoever.

LEWINSKY [excitedly, suggestively]: So you want me to---

INTERVIEWER: Yes. I will say a series of words and you just say the first thing that pops into your mind.

LEWINSKY [disappointed]: Oh.. That's not how we did it in college..

INTERVIEWER: Ready?

LEWINSKY [seriously]: Positioned.

INTERVIEWER: No, no..

LEWINSKY [enthusiastically]: Yes, yes!

INTERVIEWER: We haven't yet begun!

LEWINSKY: We are... virgins?

INTERVIEWER: Let's try this again from the top.

LEWINSKY: Multiple org--

INTERVIEWER [takes her hand]: Ms. Lewinsky. The test has not begun yet.

LEWINSKY: What?

INTERVIEWER: Let's just move on to the last phase of the interview. I would like you to draw a picture of yourself engaged in workplace activities in the future, should you get this internship.

[LEWINSKY takes a pad and pencil and makes a sketch. Hands it to INTERVIEWER.]

INTERVIEWER [trying to discern image]: Oh, what a delightful combination of whimsy and dada. And indeed, dancing would be involved in some of the social functions you might be called upon to attend as a part of this job. However, I'm not sure the lambada would be the most appropriate choice.

LEWINSKY [turning picture]: Actually, it's supposed to be turned this way.

INTERVIEWER [staring, then giving up on making sense of it]: All the same, then. I don't think I need to keep you in suspense, Ms. Lewinsky. In my opinion (the only one that counts), you are ideally suited for this position.

[LEWINSKY squeals with delight as INTERVIEWER takes out envelope and folds paperwork to mail away.]

INTERVIEWER: I just need to forward this paperwork to the head office.

[INTERVIEWER takes out stamps as LEWINSKY leans over, tongue out for a kiss. INTERVIEWER notices...]

INTERVIEWER: No, but thanks. [indicating stamp] ...self-adhesive. [Stamps envelope.]