copyright © 2006 Adam Burton / Carolyn Jacobson


Nov. 17, 2006

Adam Burton and Carolyn Jacobson

SASQUATCH: Did I tell you my story about Giselle and Steve?

MEANIE: Wait, did she write the "Ploema Blanana" poem? [not waiting]: I was besprised and becited--

SASQUATCH: --when the wella blanna besploded besuddenly beside me.

MEANIE AND SASQUATCH: It was NOT what I had bespected.

SASQUATCH: Yes. Same person. When she was a freshman, she had a crush on this guy, and had figured out somehow that his name was Steve.

MEANIE: Wait, I think I know him.

SASQUATCH: No, this was in Connecticut. Let me tell the story. When she was a senior, she was, at long last, at a party where he was present, and it turned out they knew some people in common.

MEANIE: Oooh! You told me about this! That's the party where she went to the food table--


MEANIE: --and wanted to eat healthy so she bypassed all the appetizers and desserts and stuff--


MEANIE: --but when she saw the cantaloupe platter she totally loaded up her plate and then she was about to sit down when one of her friends pulled her aside and whispered "Oh my God, Giselle, what are you doing with that plate full of CHEESE?"--


MEANIE: --and she realized that she'd mistaken that hot sweaty cheese consistency for cantaloupe, so she totally had to throw it away 'cause, I mean, she couldn't put it back could she?

SASQUATCH: No. That's not this story. That's a completely different story that I told you last week. [pause] So the big moment was finally here: Giselle was going to meet Steve, who had been the focus of her anonymous crush for over three years.

MEANIE: Three years? That's a long time. I had a crush on a guy for three years once but when I met him it turned out he was dumb as a post.

SASQUATCH: That's not what happened in this story. There were several people standing in a circle, and Steve reached out his hand and said--

MEANIE: "Hi Giselle -- my name is Steve. I've been wanting to meet you ever since I saw you in that coffeeshop freshman year..."


MEANIE: So he doesn't know her?

SASQUATCH: Forget it. You're ruining this. It's not going to be funny now.

MEANIE: Aw, c'mon. [pause] Don't be that way....

SASQUATCH: No, this is my story, and you've ruined it.

MEANIE: What? I was just trying to help...

SASQUATCH: Well, stop helping. [pause.] OK. So she's finally about to meet Steve, and he sticks out his hand and says, "Hi, my name is Brian." [pause] Get it, she thought he was named Steve, but it turns out he's named Brian.

MEANIE: Oh! It's THAT story! And she was so confused hearing a name she didn't expect that she said, "Nice to meet you. My name is Steve"!

SASQUATCH: Yes. That story. Thanks for telling my story for me, asshole.

MEANIE: Oh, damn, I'm sorry.... [pause.] You could tell my story about the cantaloupes...?

SASQUATCH: First, it's my story about the cantaloupes. You just stole it. And second, you just told it. As an interruption to my story. So there's no point in me telling it.

MEANIE: No, it'll be great. Go on.

SASQUATCH: [pause]

MEANIE: C'mon. Please? You tell it really well.

SASQUATCH: OK. [pause] So Giselle was at this wedding reception, and she was trying to find something healthy at the buffet, but the food was primarily desserts and fried appetizers. So she finally thinks she has found the solution to her problems: cantaloupe. There is a huge mound of cantaloupe, glistening and piled high--

MEANIE: --It's cheese! It's cheese! It's totally totally cheese! It's so obvious it's cheese! How could she have confused cantaloupe and cheese?!? I love it! That is such an awesome story! I love you Sasquatch! [pause] Why are you crying Sasquatch? [pause] Remember when Giselle started crying in front of her class and couldn't stop?



[Sasquatch and Meanie] [Sasquatch and Meanie, Take Two] [Sasquatch and Meanie Cut the Cheese]

[Carolyn Space Jacobson's website]

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