SASQUATCH AND MEANIE CUT THE CHEESE
Nov. 17, 2006
Adam Burton and Carolyn Jacobson
SASQUATCH: Did I tell you my
story about Giselle and Steve?
MEANIE: Wait, did she write
the "Ploema Blanana" poem? [not waiting]: I was besprised
SASQUATCH: --when the wella
blanna besploded besuddenly beside me.
MEANIE AND SASQUATCH: It was
NOT what I had bespected.
SASQUATCH: Yes. Same
person. When she was a freshman, she had a crush on this guy,
and had figured out somehow that his name was Steve.
MEANIE: Wait, I think I know
SASQUATCH: No, this was in
Connecticut. Let me tell the story. When she was a senior,
she was, at long last, at a party where he was present, and it turned
out they knew some people in common.
MEANIE: Oooh! You
told me about this! That's the party where she went to the food
MEANIE: --and wanted to eat
healthy so she bypassed all the appetizers and desserts and stuff--
MEANIE: --but when she saw
the cantaloupe platter she totally loaded up her plate and then she
was about to sit down when one of her friends pulled her aside and whispered
"Oh my God, Giselle, what are you doing with that plate full of
MEANIE: --and she realized
that she'd mistaken that hot sweaty cheese consistency for cantaloupe,
so she totally had to throw it away 'cause, I mean, she couldn't put
it back could she?
SASQUATCH: No. That's
not this story. That's a completely different story that I told you
last week. [pause] So the big moment was finally here: Giselle
was going to meet Steve, who had been the focus of her anonymous crush
for over three years.
MEANIE: Three years?
That's a long time. I had a crush on a guy for three years once
but when I met him it turned out he was dumb as a post.
SASQUATCH: That's not what
happened in this story. There were several people standing in
a circle, and Steve reached out his hand and said--
MEANIE: "Hi Giselle --
my name is Steve. I've been wanting to meet you ever since I saw
you in that coffeeshop freshman year..."
MEANIE: So he doesn't know
SASQUATCH: Forget it.
You're ruining this. It's not going to be funny now.
MEANIE: Aw, c'mon. [pause]
Don't be that way....
SASQUATCH: No, this is my story,
and you've ruined it.
MEANIE: What? I
was just trying to help...
SASQUATCH: Well, stop helping.
[pause.] OK. So she's finally about to meet Steve, and he
sticks out his hand and says, "Hi, my name is Brian."
[pause] Get it, she thought he was named Steve, but it turns out
he's named Brian.
MEANIE: Oh! It's
THAT story! And she was so confused hearing a name she didn't
expect that she said, "Nice to meet you. My name is Steve"!
SASQUATCH: Yes. That
story. Thanks for telling my story for me, asshole.
MEANIE: Oh, damn, I'm
sorry.... [pause.] You could tell my story about the cantaloupes...?
SASQUATCH: First, it's my story
about the cantaloupes. You just stole it. And second, you
just told it. As an interruption to my story. So there's
no point in me telling it.
MEANIE: No, it'll be great.
MEANIE: C'mon. Please?
You tell it really well.
SASQUATCH: OK. [pause]
So Giselle was at this wedding reception, and she was trying to find
something healthy at the buffet, but the food was primarily desserts
and fried appetizers. So she finally thinks she has found the
solution to her problems: cantaloupe. There is a huge mound of
cantaloupe, glistening and piled high--
MEANIE: --It's cheese!
It's cheese! It's totally totally cheese! It's so obvious
it's cheese! How could she have confused cantaloupe and cheese?!?
I love it! That is such an awesome story! I love you Sasquatch!
[pause] Why are you crying Sasquatch? [pause] Remember
when Giselle started crying in front of her class and couldn't stop?